What is Self Care?

Often, by the time a mom comes into my office they are burnt out.  They say things like “I don’t know what’s wrong with me” as they sob on the couch and describe to me a feeling of being deeply tired, stressed, overworked, and feeling like a failure in every area of their life.

It’s not that these women don’t love being moms.  In fact the extreme opposite is often the case. They love being a mom so much, they forget about everything else in their life, and one day they wake up and they have nothing left to give.  It’s at this point, where they feel they have nothing left to give, that they wander into my office.

I work with women to help them to start taking care of themselves in a way that still allows them to take care of their families.  The word self care gets thrown around a lot and is usually coupled with bubble baths, wine, and scented candles but that kind of self care is not realistic for the busy mom so I work with my client’s on simplifying self care.  Self care simplified means making sure the basics are covered. Am I well rested? Am I hydrated? Am I hungry? Self care is asking yourself “What do I need right now?” Sometimes the answer will be “A bubble bath, some wine, and to light one of my nice scented candles”.  Sometimes the answer will be surprisingly simple, like, “I need to go to the bathroom” or “I need to drink some water”.

You see, when you’re a busy mom you are so trained to tune into what’s going on with your family that sometimes you forget to tune into what’s going on with you.

Your assignment this week, if you choose to accept it, is to set a reminder on your phone.  When the reminder goes off, I want you to take a moment to breathe in deep 2-3 times and to ask yourself “what do I need right now”.  Whatever comes up is OK. You don’t have to act on whatever comes up for you, you don’t have to do anything. Step one is to just acknowledge what your need is.

Want more individualized support?  I have a couple of openings in my San Diego practice right now.  To schedule an appointment call (619) 383-1900.

2 Online Resources for Self Care

Need a moment to yourself or a way to unwind?  Here are 2 of my favorite online resources that have helped me to fit in a little bit of self care when life is feeling a little crazy.

1. Yoga with Adriene -  I am a huge YWA fan and Find What Feels Good (FWFG) fan.  Adriene runs a subscription based website called Find What Feels Good and for $9.99 a month you get access to all her videos.  Before you sign up for the subscription service be sure to check out her Youtube channel where she releases one free yoga video a week.  If you are someone who has tried yoga in the past and have been unable to get beyond the sometimes pretentious vibe of yoga then check out Adriene.  Adriene has a down to earth style, great sense of humor and is body inclusive and affirming.  Here's a like to the YWA Youtube channel: https://www.youtube.com/user/yogawithadriene and a link to her subscription based website:  https://yogawithadriene.vhx.tv/

2. Breathe with Calm - Feeling a little keyed up and anxious?  Just got some bad news and want to scream and cry but you got to go pick up the kids (Hey, no judgement, I’ve been there), take a moment and breathe.  Breathe with Calm is a website that guides you through a breathing exercise with written instructions and a visual.  https://www.calm.com/breathe

If you have 30 minutes this week, log onto the Yoga with Adriene Youtube channel and give one of her sessions a try.  If you find yourself short on time or having periods of high anxiety and stress this week, give the Calm website a try.

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Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist located in the Hillcrest neighborhood of San Diego.

Happy Valentine's Day Moms

Valentine's Day as a mom often means taking the kids to buy Valentine's, struggling to get the kids to complete the Valentines while simultaneously making cookies for the class party.  The aftermath is often a messy kitchen, a table covered in glue and glitter and a tired mom who has to clean it all up. This year, Valentine’s Day is on a weekend which means you’ve already done the hard part, you’ve taken care of your Valentine’s Day obligations as a mom.  Now I want you to turn the focus to yourself.  

This Valentine’s Day I want you to carve out some time for taking care of you. Take a moment and ask yourself what do you really need?  What is your body, mind, and being craving?  Maybe you want some alone time with your partner.  Maybe you need some sleep.  Maybe you need some relaxation. Below are some ideas of ways to take care of yourself this Valentine’s Day.

• Bubble Bath
• Massage - Maybe take turns with your partner, giving and receiving massages
• Alone Time - Ask your partner to take the kids out of the house for a few hours
• Sleep
• Manicure/Pedicure - Summer is on its way, time to get those feet sandal ready
• Chocolate - Don’t go cheap on yourself, treat yourself to your favorite chocolate or dessert
• Make a Valentine For Yourself - You are an awesome mom, write it down and appreciate your own strengths and efforts as a mom
• Buy Yourself Flowers and Make an Incredible Arrangement

If you are feeling guilty about taking time for yourself you can strike a deal with your partner to reciprocate and provide him with a chance to spend some time doing what he loves.

Morning Routines

Last time we talked about building self care into your nightly routine.  How’d it go for you?  Were you able to add one act of self care into your evening? In the comments section below let us know how it went.  

This week I thought we’d focus on morning routines.  Morning routines can look a little less sexy than evening routines.  Having kids often means we wake up and are in go mode until the kids get to school.  Finding shoes, finishing homework, making sure everyone has their lunch, ate breakfast, and is clear on who goes to what activity after school can be a bit of a juggling act.  

So what can you do to make mornings a little less daunting?   

Plan ahead.  Lunches can be made the evening before or you can even make lunches on Sunday to last the whole week.  Struggling to get the lunches made; get the kids to help or set your child up for school lunches.  No need to feel guilt or shame, school lunches may have improved since you were a kid AND your child having hot lunch is not a statement of the kind of mom you are.  If taking the chore of making lunch off your list allows you to spend more stress free time with your children then go for it.  Positive time spent with your child will have a greater impact on their happiness and well being than compared to packing a nutritionally sound lunch.

Plan ahead.  Create a chart, tack up some poster board, get a white board and write out the after school plans and activities for the week.  This will help you to remember who goes where and when, give your children some accountability and responsibility, and help your partner to feel more connected and part of the activity.  Who knows, your partner may even see something on the schedule and offer to help out.  

Got a needy love bug in the morning?  Take a moment to check in with your child.  Sometimes nighttime can feel lonely and it can be a challenge for young children to get through the night.  Checking in with little ones and giving a morning snuggle can help to set the right mood and tone for the morning.

Get up earlier.  You’re probably thinking I’m crazy for even suggesting this but if you get up at least 10 minutes earlier you are giving yourself a cushion to deal with problems that may come up such as lost shoes.  If you are feeling really ambitious you can get up 30-45 minutes early and squeeze in some quiet time for yourself.  Taking 15 minutes to drink a cup of coffee before you wake up your family can make a world of difference in your day.

Set an intention for the day before you get out of bed.  Think of what you want to focus on, what’s really important.  Maybe choose one or two feeling words that you want to guide you through the day such as calm and accomplished.  When stressful situations come up or when you find yourself feeling worn out you can go back to the intention you set for the day and make decisions focused on how you want to feel and be.  

Making small changes daily can make a huge impact over time.  Think about one thing you might like to change about your morning routine.  Maybe it's fitting in 10 minutes for yourself before the kids get up or maybe it's packing lunches before bed.  Allow for the fact that change is not immediate and takes practice and patience.  If you fail at implementing one of the strategies listed above or it doesn’t have the impact you hoped for, no worries.  There's always tomorrow to try something new.

Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT

Santa Barbara, CA