How to be more present in your relationship

We all have a certain level of programming that we bring with us as we go through life and as we enter and are in relationships. This programming is partly made up by the experiences we had as children and comprise much of how our parents or primary caregivers treated us. From birth to around the age of 7 our brain is doing a lot of learning and changing. These early experiences with caregivers get solidified into our brain and they become the basis for our programming.

Programming can determine the type of student you were, the type of employee you are, how you feel at work and how you respond to emails. Many of my client’s identify as people pleasers and cite a long history of overworking in school and at work, struggling to say no or set boundaries. This is a programming.

Programming can also determine how you show up in a relationship, how you handle conflict with your partner, and how satisfying you find the relationship dynamics.

In order to change our programming, we need to become present and to notice the ways that we are showing up in our relationships and in the world.

An example of not being present in a relationship would be when you are early in the relationship, you are enjoying dating, have a lot of passion for one another, the sex is fantastic, and your mind is constantly focused on thoughts like “is he the one?”, “how much time should we date before we get married?”, “why hasn’t he asked me to marry him yet?”, “what if he cheats on me?”, “what if his parents don’t like me?”. Focusing on the future, rushing to the next step, fixating on the past, these are ways that we are not present to our relationship in the moment.

Sometimes we can get so wrapped up in these thoughts that we go on autopilot, going through the day, not present to any true part of our life. Cooking dinner, eating, cleaning up. Moving and going, checking things off of our to do lists, not really experiencing or connecting.

Becoming more present in our lives, in our relationships can be hard. It requires slowing down, intention, awareness.

The next time you are noticing yourself on autopilot, whether in your relationship or in some other area of your life, take a short pause (1-2 minutes). If you can and if you feel safe, close your eyes. If you can’t close your eyes then fix your gaze on something relaxing or neutral. Take a slow deep breath in, filling up the belly and chest. Repeat this a few times and try and become present in your body. Next, bring in your 5 senses. What do you hear in the room with you, what do you hear outside? What do you smell? How does your body feel in the places where it connects with the chair? Notice your thoughts. Can you observe them without judgement? Can you taste anything? What is that taste?

A practice to try when you are wrapped up in thoughts and noticing yourself worry about the future or focusing on the past is to state “right now” statements to yourself. Pick statements that you know to be true. Here are some examples: “right now I am happy in my relationship”, “right now everything is going great in my relationship and I am enjoying getting to know my new partner”, “right now I feel secure in my relationship”, “right now we are having a conflict but I know we will work on getting through this”, “right now I am feeling anxious, this is just a feeling”.

Right now statements can help you to ground into what you know to be true in this moment.

Are you struggling with being present in your relationship or in another part of your life? Therapy can help you with becoming more mindful and present and help you to reprogram the unhelpful patterns you’ve developed. When you do therapy with Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, virtual therapy in California and Berkeley, you will learn to develop the muscle of awareness so that you can start to identify your behavior and relational patterns that are keeping you from living the life you desire. By becoming more aware, you are then able to make choices in how you want to respond to feelings, thoughts, relationship dynamics and much more.

Email today to schedule your free 20 minute phone consultation.

Why We Stay Stuck & How to Get Unstuck

“Change involves a surprising amount of loss, the familiar” - Lori Gottlieb

How is fear of change keeping you from moving forward in your life? How is it keeping you from creating the life you want? How is fear of change keeping you from achieving life goals? How is it holding you back from happiness?

A client I worked with a number of years back used to talk about changing jobs, sharing a desire to try a new field. Having worked in a mostly business environment their desire for a creative outlet was intense. They wanted to explore careers in the beauty industry, music, and teaching. However when it came time for us to talk about what was holding them back, why they weren’t able to try and take steps towards this change, they would often respond with “what if I hate it?”. A valid and reasonable concern. When we would talk about ways to answer that question, to try things out, to explore possibilities, they would come back week after week saying that they hadn’t done their therapy homework, hadn’t done the research, hadn’t looked at any possible jobs. The fear of change was so strong in them that they couldn’t even allow themselves to dream, or to even gather information about what was possible.

The reality was that for this client, changing jobs was a risk. When we pulled back the layers to look at what was holding them back they were able to see that they were afraid of getting into the new job and hating it, being bad at the new job, having to learn a new job to do, meeting new colleagues (what if I don’t like them or they’re annoying), the new commute, and much more. Rather than seeing the possibility with change, they saw all the changes that they would be making and immediately saw them as problems. With the “what if” game it often goes to worst case scenario. We can switch that thought around though and see possibilities. What if this client changed jobs and loved it, what if she was great at it and found her calling? What if the commute was shorter and allowed her more free time to pursue her passions? What if she found a new best friend in one of her colleagues?

My question to you - what is the familiar to you? What is it that you are trying to hold on to? Is the risk greater to stick with what you know, or try something new?

Not sure how you feel about the change you are looking at? Try this - write down the story you are currently telling yourself about change or lack there of. What do you notice about that story? Is there another way you can tell that story?

Are you facing a big change? Not sure how to navigate it or having some big feelings about the change? I, Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Berkeley California, often help people navigate the challenges that come with change. Some of the ways we might support you in navigating change are to first create more awareness around the habits or life circumstance you’d like to change. We might explore some of the patterns that you feel stuck in and help you identify the ways in which your choices may be keeping you stuck in feeling unhappy. Along with exploring choices, therapy can help you to better understand your values, your emotions, and what it is you really want. With clarity, an understanding of emotions, and with a better understanding of yourself, you can start to feel more confident, feel better about yourself. Call today to learn more about how therapy might help you to start feeling better.

Valentine's Day Every Day: A Blog Post On Building Gratitude In Your Relationship

I’ve never really been one for Valentine’s Day. It always struck me as odd that we would save all of our appreciations for one day out of the year. I don’t know about you but in my relationship, I want to feel like most days are like Valentine’s Day.

In my therapy practice, both with couples and individuals, I do a lot of work on setting reasonable expectations. It seems to me that the expectations are not reasonable for Valentine’s Day. It’s built up to be this amazing day, full of flowers, chocolate, an amazing date, and unfiltered words of affirmation for the entire day. Perhaps a more reasonable expectation for the day is a hug from your loved one, a sweet gesture such as you doing the dishes, them returning the gesture, then some purposeful time together (whatever that looks like for your relationship).

One thing that Covid has made abundantly clear is that we don’t know what the next moment holds, we can’t take things or people for granted and that their are many, many unknowns out there. Knowing how precious each moment is, knowing how important our relationships are, every day we should should be striving for gratitude in those relationships; mom, sister, partner, friends, daughters, sons, all relationships.

One way we can work on building up that gratitude, strengthening the muscle of not taking people for granted is through a modified gratitude practice. For the week, choose one relationship - doesn’t matter who it is. Each day, before bed think of 3 things about that person that you are grateful for. It can be an action they performed, words they said, the way they looked at you, a joke they told, a hug they gave, how they look in their PJ’s. Think of 3 things about that person that you are grateful for. Challenge yourself to come up with 3 unique things every day for one week. Sometimes the gratitude with repeat itself, try not to get hung up on that. At the end of the week, share that list with your partner or whom ever you chose for this practice.

How did it feel to focus on why you are grateful for that person?

How did they respond when you shared your list?

Did you notice any changes in the relationship since starting this gratitude practice?

Have you noticed any changes in yourself?

While not a Gottman strategy, it does touch upon a Gottman skill and a level of the Sound Relationship House. By focusing on your gratitude, carving out moments to be purposefully grateful, you are strengthening the level of the House called fondness and admiration. You are also working on undoing any negative sentiment override you and your relationship might be experiencing. Negative sentiment override is when we have too many negative experiences in our relationship, our brain starts to get wired to see and notice only the negative. By focusing on the good, our eyes open more to the positives in our relationship.

Every day can be Valentine’s Day when you are working on being more present, mindful, attuned to the relationship, and grateful for what your partner (or any loved one) brings to your life.

Why Your Conversations Turn Into Fights

Ever say something normal to your partner like, “hey, the kitchen is super messy”, only to have it turn into a full blown fight?  Or have you ever had your partner say something to you like “Star Trek is better than Star Wars” and find yourself in a 3 day argument?

Seemingly normal conversations with our partners can easily turn into huge fights when our triggers are left unchecked.  

What is a trigger?  Great question, I’m glad you asked.  A trigger is a topic, story, gesture, face, movement (anything) that triggers within us a strong, and often undesired feeling.  These strong emotions are frequently tied to our history and our stories.

As we go through life, have experiences, enter and exit relationships, we develop a lens in which we filter our information.  This lens is created and developed by the life we live and the experiences and relationships we have.  As our partners talk and interact with us, these interactions go through that lens, get distorted and we take that in.  Most of the time we are neutral about the information coming through this lens, sometimes we like what we see and sometimes it triggers us.

If you grew up in a house with a mom or a dad that was a clean freak who would get upset, yell or give out consequences if the dishes weren’t done, then as an adult you might get fearful when your partner shares an observation that the kitchen is messy.  Rather than seeing that as a neutral statement, or a chance to talk about how to keep the kitchen clean, you might go into defensiveness, blocking your partners statement with comments on their cleanliness, or lack thereof.  

If your older cousin was a die hard Trekkie, going to conventions and learning klingon then you might have a bias towards Star Trek.  Maybe that bias keeps you from being able to understand why your partner might like Star Wars.  When you innocently say to  your partner “Star Trek is better than Star Wars” and your partner disagrees, you might feel invalidated and tell yourself the story “they (your partner) just don’t respect me or my family”.  

Triggers, if left unchecked, can lead us to big misunderstandings where we tell ourselves stories about our self, our partner, our relationship.  These stories may or may not be true but when they are painful stories, they cause us to be defensive.

Take a moment and write down 3 triggers that show up and cause conflict in your relationship.  Write down your triggers, not your partners (although knowing their triggers is also important).  

Read through that list, notice how each trigger makes you feel.  Do you notice yourself getting angry, feeling tense in your body?  Does a trigger make you think of a certain painful or uncomfortable event?  Does a trigger make you tell a story about yourself and/or your worth?  Notice what comes up for you, try not to judge it.  

If you notice yourself getting triggered during a conversation with your partner, get curious.  Ask yourself “what am I feeling?”, “why am I feeling this way?”, “is this because of something my partner said or is it possibly reminding me of something else?”, “what story am I telling myself right now?”.  Getting curious about your trigger and your emotions can hep you to grow your awareness of your triggers.

As your awareness of your triggers grows, you can start to practice self soothing during conversations with your partner.  Some examples of self soothing are: focusing on breath, saying calming statements, taking a break from the conversation, asking your partner to go for a walk while you talk, or rewriting that story you are telling yourself (ex. “My partner doesn’t understand me” to “my partner is just sharing with me that they like watching Star Trek”).  

Self soothing helps you to stay in conversations longer with your partner, helping the two of you to start to resolve conflicts and misunderstandings more easily.

Does all this sound complicated?  It is.  If it were easy, you would have figured this out, made some changes, and the fighting with your partner would be seldom, if not non-existent.  

Couples therapy can help you and your partner to identify, talk about, understand, and learn how to manage your triggers so that when they show up in your relationship, they don’t take over.  

Begin Couples Counseling for relationship conflict in the Bay Area, California (Online/Virtually).

Couples counseling can help you and your relationship.

Helping couples communicate better and resolve conflict is not the only service we offer at Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT.  I am able to treat most couples concerns such as relationship unhappiness, affair recovery, co-parenting, and more.  I also meet with individuals and can support you through a variety of relationship and non-relationship concerns such as anxiety, self esteem, and moving beyond a break up.

Don’t go it alone, work with a trained and experienced couples therapist who can help you and your partner to heal from an affair.  Call today for a free 15 minute phone consultation (619)383-1900.

It Doesn't Matter Who Is "Right", What Matters Is How You Listen To Each Other

It’s not uncommon for a couple to find their way into my office in the midst of an argument, each person wanting to declare to me why they are “right” and why I should tell their partner they are “wrong”. Couples are often surprised to hear me say in response, “It doesn’t matter who is right or wrong. You don’t need to agree or disagree with one another, you just need to listen.” So unsatisfying, am I right?

We’ve been programmed in our life to believe that their is a right and a wrong, things are black and white, and that if the other person could just see that I’m right, well then we wouldn’t have this problem. I challenge this belief. If we think through and pull apart the many different conflict that we have had with our partner over the years, I’m sure you can come to one where your partner turned to you in the heat of the battle and said something along the lines of “Fine, you’re right, I’m wrong. Can we be done now?”. Thinking back to that same argument, did you feel heard? Did you feel understood? Did you feel like your partner cared for you in that moment? Maybe you did, but I’m guessing, probably not. That conversation probably ended feeling unresolved, despite you being “right”.

When we are in conflict with our partner, with the ones we love, more than anything we want to be heard and understood. This is a new way to think about conflict for most people. Most people believe that in conflict their has to be a winner and a looser. What couples learn when they come to do couples therapy with me, Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Gottman Couples Therapy, is that they learn that they need to listen, they need to put aside that urge to be “right”, and they need to open up to listening in order to stop fighting.

Listening is often the skill couples spend the most time on when they come to couples therapy. This is because in order to really listen, we need to discover our defenses, triggers, and learn to work through them in order to really listen. In order to discover those defenses and triggers, we need you and your partner to start working on listening.

Couples & Marriage Counseling can help you and your partner learn to the tools to become better communicators and can help you two learn how to become better at conflict.

Listening in conflict with your partner involves the following steps:

1. Take care of your needs. You can’t listen if you are hungry, haven’t had a glass of water since your morning coffee 8 hours ago, or if you need to use the bathroom. If you are in the middle of an argument and notice you are starving or have to use the restroom, press pause on the conversation and take care of your needs.

2. Someone has to go first in the listener role. You don’t get extra points for going first, but sometimes we need to set aside our competing agendas and let our partner speak first. Some couples rock, paper, scissor for who goes first, other’s request to go first, what ever works in your relationship is fine.

3. Listen to your partners words, try and understand the spirit behind their words. What is it that they want you to know? If you are having a hard time figuring out what they want you to know, maybe try and focus in on what they are feeling. Connection with your partner happens on the emotional level.

4. State back to your partner what you’ve heard. We do this for 2 reasons. 1, we are checking to make sure that what we heard is correct. When our defenses show up it creates a lens in which we take in information. We don’t always take in the correct information. Stating back what you heard gives your partner a chance to correct any miscommunications. 2, when we state back what we heard, our partners feel heard. When we feel heard, we feel less angry, we feel more connected, and we soften towards resolution.

5. Validate whatever part of your partners message that you can. Can you validate their emotion, their experience in the conflict, how they viewed the events that led to the conflict. Validate what you can. Validation deepens the softening and sends the message to your partner that you care and are trying to work through the issue.

6. Take ownership of your part in the conflict. Did you come home angry and as a result were short with your partner? Did you start a conversation on an empty stomach and get hangry half way through, did you forget to pick up something from the grocery store? It doesn’t matter how small your actions were, if they contributed to the conflict, own up to it.

7. Now switch, the listener becomes the speaker and vice versa. Couples struggle with how to make this switch. I tell couples that it is best to ask before changing roles. You might ask by saying something like “would you mind if I talked about why I got upset”, or “I experienced that (conflict, the event, your words) differently, can we talk about that?” or “I have some hurt feelings from our fight, can we talk those out"?”.

8. Take a break if you need to. Our bodies and brain take in conflict as a signal for danger. When we are in conflict our brain sends out signals of distress and stress hormones flood our bodies. We can easily go into what Gottman calls diffuse, physiological arousal. This is when our blood pressure climbs, our heart races, and we loose the ability to access the part of the brain that helps us to think through problems. In order to manage diffuse physiological arousal, we need to give our body about 20 minutes to calm down. Sometimes we need hours. Pay attention to the signals your body is sending and take a break from conflict if you need it.

Begin Couples Counseling for relationship conflict in the Bay Area, California (Online/Virtually).

Couples counseling can help you and your relationship.

Helping couples communicate better and resolve conflict is not the only service we offer at Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT.  I am able to treat most couples concerns such as relationship unhappiness, affair recovery, co-parenting, and more.  I also meet with individuals and can support you through a variety of relationship and non-relationship concerns such as anxiety, self esteem, and moving beyond a break up.

Don’t go it alone, work with a trained and experienced couples therapist who can help you and your partner to heal from an affair. Call today for a free 15 minute phone consultation (619)383-1900.

When Your Family Makes You Feel Like a Disappointment: How to Survive Thanksgiving & the Holiday's

It’s that time of the year again, the time when our family members feel free to ask awkward questions, questions that leave us feeling like the family disappointment. You love your family but you dread this time of the year because it brings up questions about your relationship, your career choices, and discussions on all the ways you have let your family down.

You love your family but you are so tired of feeling like a disappointment.

Below are a couple of tips to help you survive the holiday’s.

1. Plan ahead. Get an idea of how long you are comfortable staying and create an exit strategy. Know what you are going to say, when you are going to say, and to whom you are going to say it in order to get out of the house. For example if you know that Thanksgiving turns into a hot mess at 8 pm, after the pumpkin pie, have a plan to get out of your family members house just before the shit hits the fan. Have a one sentence statement to announce your departure, then get out as quick as possible. Examples of one sentence statements to get out out of Thanksgiving fast: “I better get going, got to feed the cat”, “I’m signed up for an early morning exercise class so I better get going”, “I am tired, I’d better get going”, “Thanks for the wonderful meal but it’s time for me to get going”.

2. If your family is small enough, bring a board game with you. Not only will this take the attention off of you but it will also create a fun shift in the dynamics where family members can playfully compete and have fun while they wait for dinner.

3. Boundaries. Be clear on the topics that tend to upset you, get you anxious or angry. Have a one sentence go to statement to either change the subject or set a boundary. For example, if your mom likes to ask about your career then criticize you for not making a different career choice you might say “I appreciate your concern mom but I don’t want to talk about my career today”. You might have to set your boundary a few times before your family member backs off. That’s OK, just repeat your go to statement.

4. Don’t engage. Be aware that the holiday’s are frequently a triggering time for many people. Know the topics that get you upset, when they come up, change the subject, walk out of the room, or stay quiet. Seldom will engaging with the provoking family member result in you feeling better. If after the holiday’s have passed you are still struggling with your feelings about a certain conversation or issue with a relative, have a calm conversation with them then.

5. Remember, your opinion about your choices and your life is the only opinion that matters. Regardless of what you family asks, what they think, or the comments they make, at the end of the day you are the one living your life. If you can look yourself in the mirror, know that you are happy and doing a good job, then that is all that matters. Once the holiday gathering is over, reflect on your successes in life. Get out your journal or make a bullet list on your phone and write all that you are grateful for in your life, all that you have accomplished in your life, and your successes.

If the holiday’s have you stressed, therapy can help you to manage some of that stress. Learn tools to manage stress, gain insight into family dynamics and why that triggers stress for you, learn to set boundaries and much more.

Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Berkeley, California. Gwendolyn is taking appointments now for mid December / early January.

The Importance of Stating a Positive Need

A big part of work in couple’s counseling is learning how to communicate in a way that your partner can hear while learning to hear what your partner is saying to you. Often times couples come to therapy frustrated with each other because they know their is a problem with their communication but they just can’t seem to figure out what the problem is or how to fix it.

Couple’s often start therapy feeling distant from their partner, feeling like their partner has checked out, and feeling hopeless because their efforts to get their needs met have gone ignored or they feel like their partner isn’t acknowledging all the effort and changes they’ve made for their partner.

Picture this: You walk in the door after a long day. You’re tired, you need to feed the kids, you just can’t wait to slip on your sweats and relax in front of the TV. As you walk down the hallway you notice dirty socks on the ground, you go into the kitchen and once again your partner has left his breakfast dishes on the counter, you go into the front room and find your partner sitting on the couch watching TV and they look up from the TV and say “Hey babe, what’s for dinner?”. Your heart starts to race, your thoughts start to race “what’s wrong with him? Why can’t he do anything around the house?” You get mad, you are tired, and you explode “What am I? The maid? Get up off your ass and make dinner.” Your partner, hurt, goes into the kitchen and quietly starts making something to eat. You feel like a jerk and retreat to the bedroom. You come out a few minutes later, changed into your comfy clothes and offer a meek apology followed by a “I need you to stop leaving the dishes on the counter”. Your partner hears that you were angry about the dishes and focuses on putting the dishes in the sink.

A week later the scenario repeats itself but this time the dishes are in the sick. You explode again and this time you say “I need for you to stop being so lazy and start helping around the house”. Your partner hears your words but feels criticized. They weren’t able to really hear what it is you were telling them because they were so focused on feeling hurt. Instead of hearing what you really needed which was “I need some help. I’m tired.” They left the conversation feeling criticized.

If not fixed this cycle repeats itself over and over with the couple feeling pushed further and further apart. After awhile one person stops trying to make changes, the other stops asking for their needs to be met, and emotional intimacy becomes scarce, and when emotional intimacy becomes scarce.

In my last blog post which you can find here, I shared a strategy to help you and your partner start to really hear each other. Today I’m talking about how to communicate in a way that will help your partner better hear what it is you are communicating.

So what does a couple do when they are in the situation I outlined above? One strategy each person in the couple can work on is making sure they are communicating their needs in a way their partner can hear. A need is simply as it sounds, something we need from our partner. A need can be a chore such as “I need you to help me do the dishes each night after dinner” or a need can be emotional “I need you to listen when I talk about my stressful day at work”. A need can even be a physical act of care such as “I need a hug”.

Sometimes we aren’t clear on what our need is, like in my story above. The partner who got upset could have been mad about the socks on the ground, the dirty dishes, the assumption that they were going to make dinner, feeling tired and seeing their partner relaxing on the couch. Many things went into that partner feeling angry. To get clear on our needs we need to first take some space from our emotions. Before reacting to the emotion, for example anger, take a moment and ask your self; what am I thinking? what am I feeling? Try and get clear on why you are feeling upset with your partner. Don’t ignore the feeling. Once you understand why you got triggered, what you are feeling and what you need then it’s time to go talk to your partner about it.

When talking to your partner you may have the urge to tell him or her all the things you want them to stop doing. This is because we can see the things that drive us nuts like the dirty socks on the ground or the dishes that were left out. We want our partners to stop doing the things that make us crazy mad. When we state our needs in a negative way our partners feel criticized and they stop listening.

If you find yourself saying “Stop leaving your socks on the ground” you may try instead “Can you please pick your socks up in the hallway. You left a dirty pair there.”, or if you find yourself saying “Why don’t you cook dinner? I do it all the time” you may try “I am noticing that I feel overwhelmed by cooking us dinner most nights. Can you take over dinner a couple of nights a week?”

Look over the statements below. See if you can identify the need in the statement and practice changing the wording around a little so that the need is stated in a more positive way.

• How come I’m the only one that plans anything for this family?

• I need you to stop just sitting there when your mom is criticizing me.

• I need you to stop putting work before everything else.

What did you notice about the statements? Some sound like criticism, some sounds like needs.

In the first statement the need is “I need you to spend more time with the family”. To change that statement to a positive need you might try something like “I’d love a family day out. How about this Saturday we do something fun. Do you have any ideas for what we can do?”

In the second statement the person is feeling hurt and needing their partner to help set boundaries with their partners mom. To state that need positively you might say “It really makes me feel angry and sad when your mom criticizes me. I need for you to step in and ask your mom to stop when she is saying unkind things”.

In the third statement the partner is expressing the need for attention. To state that need positively you might say “I miss spending time with you. Can you scale back a little at work so that you are home in time for dinner each night?”

Learning to state needs in a positive way is very hard to master. Be kind and patient with yourself as you work on mastering this communication skill.

Working with me, Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I help couples to identify their communication challenges, relationship needs, and create a plan to address the couples unique needs. Whether as a couple or individual work, couples counseling or relationship counseling can have a positive impact on a relationship. You deserve to be happy, you deserve a loving relationship, call today to schedule your free 20 minute phone consultation to find out how couples therapy and relationship therapy can help you: 619-383-1900

A Simple Tool That Will Make a Huge Impact In Your Next Relationship Conflict

Most couples when they come to see me talk about their arguing, they just can’t seem to get beyond it, they don’t feel heard, and they feel like their partner just doesn’t get them. They keep having the same fights, talking about the same issues and getting no where. Often, by the time they make an appointment to see me one or both partners has shut down, stopped trying to communicate, resentment has set in and the couple is in a stalemate. In those situations we spend a lot of time in the early stages of therapy working on practicing putting down our own personal agendas and just listening to what our partner is trying to communicate.

If this sounds like you and your partner - read on to learn a tool that will help you and your partner better hear what the other person is trying to communicate.

1. Each person get’s a piece of paper or notebook to write on.

2. Decide who will be the listener first (each person will get a chance to practice speaking and listening).

3. Rules for the speaker: A) No blaming or criticizing your partner B) No “You” statements, practice using “I” statements. I feel ___ when ___. I need ___. C) State your needs positively. For example “I need you to help with the dishes after dinner” NOT “I need you to stop making such a big mess and leaving it for me to clean up”.

4. Rules for the listener: A) Set aside your agenda and just focus on what your partner is trying to communicate to you. If you find it is hard to set your agenda aside, remind yourself that you too will have a turn to speak. B) As the speaker talks, take notes. C) Tune into your partners emotions, what is it they are wanting you to understand and know about their feelings and their experiences? D) Offer validation and ask questions (if needed) to deepen your understanding of your partner’s needs. E) When your partner is done speaking, state back what you heard your partner communicating to you.

5. Switch, speaker is now listener and vice versa.

When you start off using this tool it might not feel natural to use the paper to take notes or you may notice that you are distracted by your partner taking notes. I encourage you to work through this. Writing notes has many benefits, it helps the listener to better process what is being said, it helps to defuse some tension which decreases emotional flooding, and it helps support the listener if they become flooded while stating back what they heard the speaker say.

The goal with this tool is not to have resolution or compromise, it is only to hear and understand what your partner is saying and to help your partner understand what you are saying.

Using this early on in conflict will help you and your partner avoid getting the the point of resentment and withdraw.

If you and your partner could use a little help with navigating through conflict, working with a trained Gottman couples therapist will help you to learn valuable communication skills to help you and your partner learn to fight in a constructive way. Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT is a level 2 Gottman trained therapist and will be completing level 3 in mid September. Gottman therapy is a scientifically backed couples therapy method that supports couples in building emotional connection, maintaining friendship, communicating needs, and working through conflict.

Why wait? Your relationship is worth the investment. Call today (619) 383-1900 to schedule your free 20 minute phone consultation or scroll to the bottom of the homepage and click the button to be taken to my online scheduler.

Is it ever OK to comment on someone's weight?

A client recently asked me “is it ever OK to talk to someone about their weight?”.  We had been discussing her feelings around her body and the messages that she received as a kid growing up.  This client was in the process of trying to understand how her parents apparent concern for her health had set her up for a lifetime of believing that her body was wrong.  If she couldn’t receive this message from her parents, could she receive it from anyone else?

The answer to the question “is it ever OK to talk to someone about their weight?” is long and complicated.  The short answer is no, it is never OK to talk with someone about their weight.

By talking to someone about their weight you are assigning value to that person's body based on its size.  A comment of “You look so good! Did you lose weight?” sends the message to a person that them being attractive is dependent on the size of their body.  

In turn a comment of “What happened to you?  I thought you were doing Weight Watchers” sends the message that they are not capable of managing their food and that their body screams “I can’t control myself around food”.  

Even if your comment is rooted in the desire to give a complement, think before you speak.  If you want to give a complement, what can you say that doesn’t involve their body? Sharing an appreciation for their friendship, sharing a fond memory, or talking about how important they are to you will go a lot further than a comment about their weight.

If you are genuinely concerned about the person and their weight first ask yourself if it is your place to bring up this issue.  Chances are this person is already aware of their weight struggle. They probably have already had a well meaning friend or family member comment on their weight.  They are probably already struggling with shame. Society is not subtle in its messaging to people about their bodies and their sizes.  

Check your assumptions.  Is your comment about their weight rooted in the belief that something is wrong with them.  That their weight equals a mental health concern, a lack of control, or some other issue that you don’t know to be true.  

Before speaking to someone about their weight, ask yourself what your real concern is.  A common one I hear is “I’m worried they’re depressed, they’ve gained so much weight”. Yes, sometimes people eat emotionally.  However not everyone does. The concern in that statement is not about the person’s weight. The real concern is they are depressed.  Rather than talking to the person about their weight a more effective approach would be to talk with them about the underlying concern, “I’m worried you’re depressed.  You just don’t seem happy”. Commenting on a person’s weight is more likely to add to any emotional burden that they may or may not be struggling with and is more likely to shut them down and close off communication.

In my practice I speak with many women of all shapes and sizes who have learned at one point or another that something is wrong with their body.  I work with women to unravel those stories that they have heard and sometimes created about themselves and their bodies. I help them to work through their fear of being seen in the world and help them to find value, confidence, compassion and self love for the person they are today.

Are you ready to start feeling good again?  Call today and schedule a free 15 minute phone consultation to learn more about therapy might be able to help you with your own relationship with your body.

3 Coping Skills to Try When Feeling Disappointment

It felt really vulnerable and scary.  You put yourself out there, risked being seen, and the worst case scenario happened.  Maybe you tried for that job promotion, or you asked that cute guy at the coffee shop out.  Whatever it was, you took a risk and are now left feel disappointed, self critical, and a little ashamed.  

If you are a fan of Brene Brown’s work then you know that in order to truly live life in a way that is meaningful, you’ve got to show up and risk being seen.  Congratulations! Chances are if you are reading this you already did the hard part...you risked showing up and being seen. Part of taking any risk means that sometimes we are going to fall.  So how do you pick yourself up after a fall?

1. Figure out what the story is that you are telling yourself and the belief underneath that story.  When we are going through difficult feelings we can sometimes turn the situation inwards, blame ourselves, and feel embarrassed.  To work through those difficult feelings, the feelings of shame, embarrassment, disappointment you need to understand the story you are telling yourself.  Often times self talk, our inner narrative, masks a fear; I’m not good enough, people don’t like me, I’m a failure, I’m not lovable.

In my therapy practice I frequently meet with women who have recently experienced a break up or divorce.  When exploring their self talk it frequently sounds like “I hate them”, “I can’t believe I trusted them”, “I can’t trust anyone”, “I’m all alone”, “no one will ever love me again”, “I’m so stupid to think that anyone could love me”, “I should have never let myself care”.  

In digging below these statements what my client’s often discover in therapy is that they are afraid that they are not lovable, they are afraid that they are not good enough.

2.  Re-attribute the responsibility.  What are some other potential factors that contributed to the outcome.  

Using the example above, divorce or a break up, rather than buying into the belief that you are unlovable and that is why the relationship ended, ask yourself what are some other reasons for the break up?  Is it that the two of you grew apart, maybe your life started to take off and your partners life stayed stagnant. That will cause conflict in the relationship. Maybe your goals changed...he wanted kids and you never imagined wanting children.  Is it possible that alone you are great, alone your partner is great, but together the two of you are like oil and vinegar - you just don’t mix. Or perhaps no matter how hard you tried, you could never fully get to the point where the two of you were actually communicating.  

There are many things that contribute to an outcome.

3.  Focus on your success.  You took a risk, it didn’t pay off - no shame in that game.  Failure doesn’t mean anything bad about you. Failure doesn’t mean anything about the type of person you are.  Failure doesn’t mean anything about your future. Taking a risk, asking for what you want means that you are a courageous bad ass.  That’s something to celebrate, not feel bad about. When you catch yourself falling into the trap of judging yourself, feel embarrassed because you took a risk and showed up to life I want you to repeat this mantra “I am a courageous bad ass who deserves amazing things in my life”.

Want a little guidance moving beyond your disappointment? When you do therapy with me, Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, I work with women who have experienced disappointment in many forms; job loss, relationships ending, loss of a dream like having children, putting yourself out there for a raise or promotion. Most of these disappointments are temporary but can have an emotional impact on your self worth and confidence. I can help you get to the root of what is going on, why you are feeling disappointment and I can help you move beyond that hurt, shame, and discomfort. Call 619-383-1900 to schedule a free 15 minute consultation today.

What Feelings Am I Having?

Before you can address an uncomfortable feeling you need to first be able to label the feeling that you are having.  Our bodies and our brains communicate our feelings to us in many ways. People are often surprised to learn that their body is screaming their feelings at them, communicating in ways such as back problems and stomach aches.  There is no magic formula to identifying and labeling feelings. Everyone’s body is different and everyone’s body communicates to them in different ways. It’s important for you to learn the ways that your body communicates to you.

One way to start learning about how your body communicates uncomfortable feelings to you is by doing a body scan.  A body scan is basically taking notice of your body and the ways that your body is signaling feelings to you.

To do a body scan you would close your eyes and start by just focusing on your breath.  Breathe in and out, noticing the sensation of your stomach as your breathe in and breathe out.  Once you feel relaxed and focused you can start at the top of your head and slowly scan downward just noticing the different sensations in your body.  

- Do you notice pressure at the top of your head?  

- Are you tense in your neck or shoulders?  

- How does your heart feel?  Is it racing, is it beating slowly?  

- Is your gut communicating anything to you?  

- What about your back?  

- Keep moving down the body, observing and noticing the ways that your body is communicating to you.

The first few times that you do this exercise you might not be able to label your emotions or understand the ways in which your body is communicating your feelings to you.  That’s OK - with time and practice you will start to be able to understand and notice the ways that your feelings show up.

Set an alarm on your phone to go off one time a day for the next 7 days.  Use this alarm as a reminder to do a body scan and see if you can start to notice any feelings or messages that your body is sending you.

Feelings: Good or Bad?

You may have noticed throughout my blog and website that I refer to feelings as uncomfortable and comfortable.  That’s because we therapists believe that feelings are neither good or bad, they just are. An uncomfortable feeling might be sadness, anger or anxiety.  A comfortable feeling might be joy or happiness. Noticing the ways that feelings show up in your body can help you decipher if they are comfortable or uncomfortable.

Frequently when a person experiences many uncomfortable feelings they start to develop defenses to those feelings or they start to look for ways to numb those feelings.  Some common defenses to feelings are; overworking, drinking, avoiding, and sometimes even anxiety can be a defense.

Learning to work through our defenses and to experience the core emotions below our feelings is a key step in being able to work through uncomfortable feelings and in being able to let them go.  Finding a way to access your feelings and to sit with those uncomfortable feelings is important.

This week, as your homework, think about some of the defenses that you might have developed over time that keep you from being able to experience your core emotions.

An Assignment

I work primarily with women in my practice.  Some are moms, some are working professionals, some are college students, some are all three at the same time.  No matter who this woman is, where she comes from, or why she is doing therapy with me there is always one thing that these women have in common, all of these women feel the need to justify taking care of themselves.  I’m not talking about basic care like take a shower and do your laundry kind of care. I’m talking about taking care of basic things like sleep, alone time, exercise, saying no to that extra assignment at work, taking a lunch break.  I meet with woman after woman who expresses “I just don’t have enough time”, “I eat at my desk”, “I can’t remember the last time I just sat outside and enjoyed the sun on my face”. I can’t help but wonder, why is it so hard for us, as women, to take care of ourselves.  Not only is it hard for us, we feel like we have to justify it when we do with statements like “I didn’t have breakfast, that’s why I had to have lunch”.

Because I care about you and because I want for you to feel that you have the excuse and permission to take care of yourself I am giving you an assignment.  Here is your assignment:

Find a quiet spot where you feel comfortable to close your eyes for just a breath or two.  Take a deep breath in, release that breath. Keep your eyes shut while you place your hand on your tummy.  Breathe in again and notice your hand rise and fall as you breath in and release your air. Now I want for you to ask yourself; what do I really need?  What is my body, my mind craving? Now without judgement, do whatever it is that came to mind. Don’t give yourself time to overanalyze, don’t think about it, just do it.  Maybe what came up for you is that you want some alone time with your partner. Maybe you need some sleep. Maybe you need some relaxation. Below are some ideas of ways to take care of yourself.

• Bubble Bath

• Massage - Maybe take turns with your partner, giving and receiving massages

• Alone Time - Ask your partner to take the kids out of the house for a few hours

• Sleep

• Manicure/Pedicure

• Chocolate - Don’t go cheap on yourself, treat yourself to your favorite chocolate or dessert

• Buy Yourself Flowers and Make an Incredible Arrangement

• Join that exercise class you’ve been wanting to check out

• Ask a friend to pick your kids up from school for the day

• Go to the movies

• Take a lunch break

• Say no to that extra assignment at work

If you are feeling guilty about taking time for yourself you can strike a deal with your partner to reciprocate and provide him with a chance to spend some time doing what he loves.

Your Relationship After Baby

Even the best of couples can feel off in their relationship after a baby arrives.  Exhaustion has set in, routines have changed, and you are in the midst of renegotiating household responsibilities.  As the kids get older it can continue to feel as if you and your partner are no longer spending time together, connecting, taking time to be a couple.  

John Gottman is a researcher who has studied couples and is considered a leading resource for couples therapists.  One tool that Gottman suggests to get a couple back on track is the use of a Love Map.  A Love Map, simply put, is a way to get to know the small things in your husband or wife’s life.  Asking questions such as “who do you like to go to lunch with at work?” and “what do you worry about?” can help to build a better understanding of your partners world.

You may think you know the answers to many of these questions and perhaps you do but I’m guessing some of the answers have changed over time.  Just as our world is constantly evolving - think back to when you had your baby and the changes you experienced with your friendship circle, thoughts and way of feeling.  Heck, even how you experienced going to the grocery store changed.  It might be surprising to learn that our partners also underwent a change too.  Even if your kids are grown and gone or you are just starting a new relationship, asking questions about your partner is a great way to build what Gottman refers to as a “solid foundation” for your relationship.

This week I encourage you to ask questions about your partner's life, likes and dislikes.  Learn what is currently making them tick, take an interest in their work, ask questions, ask about their experiences during the day.

You can start building a Love Map by asking your partner questions such as “What’s my favorite place to eat lunch?” or ask your partner questions like “Where do you like to go out for lunch when you’re at work?”  Here are some additional questions to get you started on building your Love Map.

If you could take a vacation anywhere, where would you go?

What is your favorite vacation we took and why?

What’s your favorite restaurant?

What’s your most embarrassing moment?

What’s the best book you’ve read in the past year?

What is your proudest moment?

As your partner shares listen without judgement, ask questions, be curious and have fun.

Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Vacaville, Pollock Pines and Sacramento.  Providing online counseling for women and couples - serving all areas of California.

Morning Routines - Tips for Busy Moms

This week I thought we’d focus on morning routines.  Morning routines can look a little less sexy than evening routines.  Having kids often means we wake up and are in go mode until the kids get to school.  Finding shoes, finishing homework, making sure everyone has their lunch, ate breakfast, and is clear on who goes to what activity after school can be a bit of a juggling act.  

So what can you do to make mornings a little less daunting?   

Plan ahead.  Lunches can be made the evening before or you can even make lunches on Sunday to last the whole week.  Struggling to get the lunches made; get the kids to help or set your child up for school lunches.  No need to feel guilt or shame, school lunches may have improved since you were a kid AND your child having hot lunch is not a statement of the kind of mom you are.  If taking the chore of making lunch off your list allows you to spend more stress free time with your children then go for it.  Positive time spent with your child will have a greater impact on their happiness and well being than compared to packing a nutritionally sound lunch.

Plan ahead.  Create a chart, tack up some poster board, get a white board and write out the after school plans and activities for the week.  This will help you to remember who goes where and when, give your children some accountability and responsibility, and help your partner to feel more connected and part of the activity.  Who knows, your partner may even see something on the schedule and offer to help out.  

Got a needy love bug in the morning?  Take a moment to check in with your child.  Sometimes nighttime can feel lonely and it can be a challenge for young children to get through the night.  Checking in with little ones and giving a morning snuggle can help to set the right mood and tone for the morning.

Get up earlier.  You’re probably thinking I’m crazy for even suggesting this but if you get up at least 10 minutes earlier you are giving yourself a cushion to deal with problems that may come up such as lost shoes.  If you are feeling really ambitious you can get up 30-45 minutes early and squeeze in some quiet time for yourself.  Taking 15 minutes to drink a cup of coffee before you wake up your family can make a world of difference in your day.

Set an intention for the day before you get out of bed.  Think of what you want to focus on, what’s really important.  Maybe choose one or two feeling words that you want to guide you through the day such as calm and accomplished.  When stressful situations come up or when you find yourself feeling worn out you can go back to the intention you set for the day and make decisions focused on how you want to feel and be.  

Making small changes daily can make a huge impact over time.  Think about one thing you might like to change about your morning routine.  Maybe it's fitting in 10 minutes for yourself before the kids get up or maybe it's packing lunches before bed.  Allow for the fact that change is not immediate and takes practice and patience.  If you fail at implementing one of the strategies listed above or it doesn’t have the impact you hoped for, no worries.  There's always tomorrow to try something new.

Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT - Providing online counseling for women.  Located in Vacaville, California - serving all areas of California.

5 Affirmations for When You Feel Like a Bad Mom

Any woman who has ever been a mom knows intimately that deep guilt that creeps in every once in awhile.  Mom guilt, that sneaky asshole can hit at any time for any reason. When at work we can be overcome with guilt for not being at home, when at home we feel guilt for thinking about work, when we are with our partners we feel selfish for being away from the kids.  A lot of times the things we feel most guilty for are the things we most need, the things that make us whole, functioning, normal, human beings. But even though we can logically talk ourselves through our guilt, it doesn’t always help. Below are 5 affirmations for you use when you feel like a bad mom.  The reason to use affirmations is that it is one way to support building stronger, healthy neural connections that help fight off that awful feeling of mom guilt. Take a look at the following affirmations and see if any stand out to you.

1. I am a fierce, bad ass, motherfucking mom.  No one cares for my kids the way I care for my kids.

2. I am allowed to go out with my (friends, partner, to book club, etc).  It makes me a happy and better mom.

3. A good enough mom is pretty damn good.

4. I love my kids and they love their mom.

5. I am the perfect mom for my child.

Pick one affirmation that speaks to you.  Say it to yourself when you are feeling anxious, say it when you are feeling stressed, say it to yourself when you are feeling calm, in control and like the perfect mom.  Using affirmations can help us to rewire our brain, build stronger neural connections that help to fight off uncomfortable feelings like mom guilt, and to focus on thoughts and feelings that improve our moods and feelings.

If you struggle with mom guilt and would like more support, contact Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in San Diego, California at (619) 383-1900.

5 Affirmations For Anxiety

We’ve been talking a lot about anxiety on the blog the past couple of weeks.  Hopefully you’ve had a chance to try some of the strategies I’ve shared and have found at least one new skill to help you calm your anxiety.  If not, that’s ok. In therapy we do a lot of work finding the “right” strategies for your specific need. This means that sometimes clients have to try a lot of different things before they find something that helps.  

Today I’m sharing with you 5 affirmations for you to say to yourself when you are feeling anxious.  Affirmations are a great way to disrupt an uncontrollable thought pattern or to disrupt a thought that is on a loop.  Affirmations can also help you start to rewire the brain so that you experience more calm throughout your day. Once the brain recognizes the affirmation as a calming statement (takes time and lots of practice), saying your affirmation one time can bring a feeling of instant calm.

When using any of these affirmations, choose just one to work with.  Say it over and over to yourself until you have it memorized. Practice saying the affirmation as you walk, from your car to your office, from your desk to lunch, around the house.  Put the affirmation on a piece of paper and place the paper in your wallet or tape it in a place you will see it throughout the day. When you feel anxious, close your eyes (if you feel comfortable and are in a safe place to do so), focus on your breath and say the affirmation over and over to yourself.  

Remember, pick just one affirmation to work with for a couple of days.    

1. I am calm, I am safe.

2. I am doing the best that I can.

3. I trust that everything will be OK.

4. I feel calm, I feel in control, I am OK.

5. I am safe, I am OK.

If none of these affirmations resonate with you, make your own.  Choose a statement that helps to calm your specific anxiety trigger or worry.  Make sure it is short and easy to remember.

One final note on affirmations.  When you start saying/using your affirmations you might feel like it feels fake.  That’s OK. Keep working with the affirmation. What you are doing when using an affirmation is working to rewire your brain for calm.  It may feel uncomfortable or not true at first. That’s to be expected.

If you would like personalized support with your anxiety, I am happy to help.  I have some available appointment times both in office or online. When you are ready to get started, call 619-383-1900 to schedule your appointment.

Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist located in San Diego, California.

How to Stop Feeling Anxious - 3 Quick Strategies to Try When You are Over Taken by Anxiety

When you’re in the middle of anxiety it can be hard to know what to do to help yourself gain control and to calm the anxiety.  Here are 3 quick strategies to try that may help you when you are feeling anxious.

1. Breath - Take a moment and tune into your breath.  Notice if you are holding your breath or taking shallow breaths.  Breath in for a slow count of 4, filling up your lungs, belly and chest with air.  Hold that breath for a slow count of 6. Slowly release that breath for a slow count of 8.  Don’t worry if you can’t release the breath for that slow count of 8, work up to it. Repeat the process at least 3 times in a row.

2. Ground - In a seated position put your feet on the ground, gently press you feet into the ground, noticing all the areas where your feet and the floor meet.  Take a moment to feel your leg muscles and notice how they contract as you root to the ground. Close your eyes if this helps you to focus. Aim to sit with feet grounded and gently pushing to the floor for 3 minutes.

3. Muscle tension - put your palms together and push your hands together.  Notice your muscles tensing in your arms and chest. Push for 15 - 20 seconds then release.  Repeat at least 3 times.

Choose one strategy to work on this week and practice it at least 5 times a day when you are not feeling anxious.  You don’t have to practice it 5 times in a row, 5 times throughout the day should do the trick. Practicing when you are not anxious will help you to remember to use the skill when you are experiencing anxiety.

If you notice that you are feeling anxious more than normal and are having a hard time working through the anxiety, a therapist may be able to help.  I have seen first hand how therapy has helped my clients to gain some control over their anxiety and to help them start managing their anxiety on a daily basis.  When you're ready, I'm here to help you.  To make an appointment call (619) 383-1900 or go to www.GwendolynNelsonTerry.com to find out more information on how therapy can help you.  

Tips for Talking to your Therapist

This week I am posting a link to a blog I was featured in on Thriveworks.  The blog normalizes some of the discomfort of starting therapy, sharing your story, and opening up to your therapist.  Towards the end of the blog are some tips I provide on how to prepare for your session and how to open up to your therapist.  I hope you find the information useful.

Here is a link to the blog http://thriveworks.com/blog/tips-open-honest-counselor/

If you have any questions or are curious about the therapy process, feel free to send me an email.  I love hearing from readers.  

Are you ready to start making some changes in your life?  Are you ready to start working on your happiness?  If so, I am opening a few extra slots to take on some new clients.  Call 619-383-1900 to schedule your session today or go to www.GwendolynNelsonTerry.com to find out more information about how therapy might be able to help you.

What is Self Care?

Often, by the time a mom comes into my office they are burnt out.  They say things like “I don’t know what’s wrong with me” as they sob on the couch and describe to me a feeling of being deeply tired, stressed, overworked, and feeling like a failure in every area of their life.

It’s not that these women don’t love being moms.  In fact the extreme opposite is often the case. They love being a mom so much, they forget about everything else in their life, and one day they wake up and they have nothing left to give.  It’s at this point, where they feel they have nothing left to give, that they wander into my office.

I work with women to help them to start taking care of themselves in a way that still allows them to take care of their families.  The word self care gets thrown around a lot and is usually coupled with bubble baths, wine, and scented candles but that kind of self care is not realistic for the busy mom so I work with my client’s on simplifying self care.  Self care simplified means making sure the basics are covered. Am I well rested? Am I hydrated? Am I hungry? Self care is asking yourself “What do I need right now?” Sometimes the answer will be “A bubble bath, some wine, and to light one of my nice scented candles”.  Sometimes the answer will be surprisingly simple, like, “I need to go to the bathroom” or “I need to drink some water”.

You see, when you’re a busy mom you are so trained to tune into what’s going on with your family that sometimes you forget to tune into what’s going on with you.

Your assignment this week, if you choose to accept it, is to set a reminder on your phone.  When the reminder goes off, I want you to take a moment to breathe in deep 2-3 times and to ask yourself “what do I need right now”.  Whatever comes up is OK. You don’t have to act on whatever comes up for you, you don’t have to do anything. Step one is to just acknowledge what your need is.

Want more individualized support?  I have a couple of openings in my San Diego practice right now.  To schedule an appointment call (619) 383-1900.