What to Do When You've Said Something Wrong During an Argument With Your Partner

You’ve been fighting for hours about the same thing. Your tired, your frustrated, your blood pressure is shooting through the roof, and you start yelling. What comes out is cruel, off topic, and so not helpful to resolving the fight. You feel bad, your partner is even more mad, and now the two of you have taken a step backwards in working through this fight.

We’ve all been there. When this happens it is painful for sure, but not impossible to fix.

When things become escalated during a conversations and you can see that it is going no where good you have some options - one option being to try and give a repair.

There are a couple of types of ways that you can give a repair to your partner after you’ve said something you regret or when you see that you words have escalated the fight.

1. Affection: Remind your partner you love them, offer them some reassurance. Often times when we are in a fight we can have our fears triggered. Things like “they’re going to leave”, “they don’t love me”, “this is impossible, we can’t work through this” can come up and make it harder for our partners to work through conflict. Examples of affection include; “Hey, I love you and were going to get through this”, “I see that you are really trying to work this out with me, thank you”, “you are doing better with the dishes, thank you”.

2. Agreement: If your partner has successfully persuaded you in their argument, agree and move on. A simple statement like “true, you do have a good point” is often enough to move the conversation along towards resolution.

3. Compromise: Try and meet your partner part of the way towards their needs and see if they are willing to compromise to meet your need. To do a compromise, you need to be in the position to be able to understand your partners point of view and what they need. Example of a compromise: Partner 1: “You spend all day at softball, we never do anything on the weekends because of that”. Partner 2: “That’s not true, we have all day Saturday to do chores and grocery shop”. Partner 1: “Exactly! How is that time together?” Partner 2: “I see what you are saying. How about I pick up the groceries on Thursday night, and we come up with some kind of chore system where we get the chores done little by little throughout the week. Then we can have Saturday together.”

4. Defining the Conflict: It is not uncommon for one person or both partners to get lost in a conflict. With emotions, defenses, and issues that keep popping in and out of a conflict it can feel as if the 2 of you are talking about 2 different things. When things get heated in a fight it can help to take a pause and define the conflict. Example: “I just want to check in and make sure I understand why you are upset. You’re upset because ____. Is that correct?”

5. Guarding: This is when the conflict has risen to a point where one partner is feeling as if the other is approaching dangerous territory. Guarding can be used to gently set a boundary - “Careful, you know I get mad when you talk about my mom”.

6. Humor: Always a good thing. Humor can be used to laugh at the situation. Never laugh at your partner.

7. Making Promises: Make a promise to try and work on the issue. For example, if the issue is housework, say “How about I try and work on doing the dishes each night. It would help me too if you reminded me to take out the trash because I forget”.

When doing couples therapy I often work with couples on identifying moments, signs that their partners give them that let each partner know that the conversation or conflict is heading in a bad direction - one where resolution might not happen. I then work with the couple to help them identify helpful repair strategies, strategies that their partner might be most receptive too. I work with the couple to help them understand that it is each persons responsibility to help manage the flow of conflict, help their partner to manage emotions, and to work towards resolution. Repair attempts are just one of many strategies that couples can work on in therapy.

Start working on your relationship today! For a free phone consultation call (619)383-1900 or go to the homepage, scroll to the bottom of the page and click the link to schedule your free phone consultation.

What To Expect During The First Couple Of Sessions (Couples Therapy)

It’s been months of non stop fighting and the two of you have agreed it’s time to go to counseling.  You feel anxious, unsure what to expect, hopeful that this helps. It feels like so much is riding on this.  You hope you choose a good therapist, you hope the therapist can help you explain your side, you hope they can help the two of you start talking again.

It takes a lot of courage to come to couples therapy.

You may be gearing up to come into therapy and unload everything that is wrong in your relationship, some therapists might have you do this.

When a couple comes to me, Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT I work with couples right away to get them talking and to help them start connecting again.  Friendship is key to being able to work out any relationship problem.

In my first session with client’s I start off by first welcoming them to therapy.  I go over the business stuff I’m required to verbally say to you and answer any questions you or your partner might have about the paperwork, fees, confidentiality, etc.

From there I invite one of you to share what brought you into couples therapy.  In this first session both you and your partner get to share about some of the issues that led you to couples therapy.  I might ask about your history in couples therapy, what the two of you gained from past experiences in couples therapy, what didn’t work in couples therapy.  I usually ask about the history of your relationship, how you met and how you got to where you are today (living together, married, committed, etc.). If time allows, I have you and your partner discuss a problem while I watch, like a fly on the wall.  During this time I’m just observing the interaction between the two of you and seeing what is working, and what isn’t working.  

At the end of the session I talk about some more assessment pieces that I do, one is an in depth online assessment, the other is to schedule a one on one with each person in the partnership.  At the end of the session I also give you my clinical impressions, how I see myself helping you and your partner.

Sessions 2 and 3 are those individual sessions.

During our individual time together I invite you to share with me any additional information, concerns, or issues you’d like to address in our work together.  It’s a chance for you to talk a little more freely about some of the struggles you’ve been facing in your relationship. Some things I might ask in our time together;  what is your commitment to working on the relationship? What do you want to work on as a couple? What do you want to work on individually within the couple? History of affairs?  Alcohol and other drug use? At the end of our session together I re-cap and answer any questions you might have about therapy.

Session 4

With the information that you provided me through your couples session, individual sessions, and the online assessment I go a little bit deeper into my clinical impressions and suggest a few initial goals for therapy.  Therapy works best when you are working on goals that feel important to you. If you don’t agree with my goals, or if you find that you were wanting to work on something else, tell me, let’s talk about it.

Now the hard work starts.  Gottman therapy works under the framework of the Sound Relationship House.  The idea being that for you to work through the hard stuff, like conflict, you need to have a strong foundation upon which to grow; friendship and understanding of each other.  Goals for therapy focus on building friendship and connection, learning to speak to each other in ways the other can hear, learning to manage your emotions when you are in conflict, supporting your partner when they are flooded with emotions, and so much more.  

By the time you leave couples therapy my hope is that you feel reconnected to your partner, passionate about your relationship, you feel heard, seen, and accepted, you enjoy each other.  I want for you to have the confidence to know that the two of you can work through conflict and grow closer together as a result of it.

It absolutely is possible to grow closer to your partner through conflict.  A couples therapist can help you learn how to turn conflict into a chance to learn about your partner and grow.

Learn how to have constructive fights, turn conflict into a chance for connection, and grow your relationship.

Call Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist today and find out how couples therapy may be able to help your relationship (619) 383-1900

Negative Sentiment Override - A Major Block To You Having A Fulfilling Relationship

When all you ever seem to do is fight with your partner it’s hard to want to go home and spend time with them.  Finding extra things to do at work, or going out for happy hour with your friends seems like a reasonable excuse to avoid what has become a very tiresome pattern in your relationship.

It can feel awful to dread seeing your partner, to avoid going home.  When you live your life this way, avoiding your partner and hoping the two of you can find yourself back on a better path, it easily can turn into you or your partner feeling disconnected, withdrawing and making the problem between the two of your worse.

Negative sentiment override is what happens when over time, all the arguing, all the conflict between you and your partner has built up for so long that you can no longer give your partner (or they can no longer give you) the benefit of the doubt.  Perhaps for you it plays out in your life like this: For a month you’ve been planning to go to your parents house for dinner. You haven’t seen them in a while and you’ve been looking forward to spending some time with them. You told your partner about the dinner, asked them to come home from work on time, and made sure they could make it to dinner at your parents.  On the day that you are supposed to go to dinner at your parents your partner is 20 minutes late getting home from work. S/he wants to take a quick shower before leaving. 20 minutes late has now turned into 30 minutes later than you wanted to leave. As they are grabbing their stuff to get in the car you explode and angrily tell them “My family isn’t important to you.  Just stay home, you obviously don’t care about my parents or me. You’re so selfish.” Your partner who just rushed home after being stuck in a meeting s/he couldn’t get out of yells back at you “I’m selfish. I just about killed myself trying to get home on time. I tried!”.  

Eventually, the two of you wind up in a place where you just drop the issue, don’t speak about the problem, and use that interaction as just more proof that your partner doesn’t care about you.  

Many couples find themselves in similar patterns.  It’s completely normal to go through periods in your relationship where it’s just hard to get along with your partner.  Life tosses many curve balls into a relationship, work stress, having children, caring for aging parents are just some of the many things that cause couples to go through long periods of difficulties.

It’s true that when you can’t give your partner the benefit of the doubt, or they can’t seem to see the effort you’re putting into your relationship it can drive the two of you further apart.  However, if we can learn to fight with our partners in a constructive way, then conflict can be a tool that brings the two of you closer together. When we make changes to how we bring up a potential conflict, how we listen to our partner, how we work to negotiate our needs in our relationship then we can have a lasting and fulfilling relationship.

Without help the two of you could continue to fight, with increasing resentment, and eventually break up.

The biggest downside of not overcoming negative sentiment override is that the cycle continues, leading to ongoing fighting, feeling distant, and possibly even breaking up.  You spend a good chunk of your time thinking back to the way things were, longing to have the relationship that the two of you used to have, longing to feel heard, loved, pursued.  Yours or your partners resentment starts to grow the more they long for what used to be and the negative sentiment override grows stronger. Being in a relationship with so much resentment, so much hurt, is  unbearable and not sustainable.

With help the two of you grow closer, feel more connected, and the fighting stops.

Although you may struggle with negative sentiment override in your relationship you and your partner have the potential to overcome it and grow closer.  When you choose to work on your relationship, there is a possibility for increased connectedness, re-igniting that spark in your relationship, and to grow together as a couple.  You have the opportunity to learn how to effectively communicate with your partner, get your needs met in your relationship, reduce resentment and frustration, and have a meaningful relationship.

3 Tips to Help You Reduce Resentment In Your Relationship & Start Connecting

Yes, its true you may be feeling resentment in your relationship but it is possible to release resentment and overcome negative sentiment override.  The key to overcoming resentment in your relationship is to actively work on improving the way you communicate, learning how to self soothe so that you can help de-escalate conflict, and remind yourself of your partners positive qualities.  

Take a look at these 3 tips to see how you can start to overcome resentment and negative sentiment override in your relationship.

One of the reasons you may struggle with negative sentiment override or resentment in your relationship is because of the way you and your partner are communicating with each other.  If every time you have a fight with your partner you feel attacked or judged overtime you might develop protective ways of coping with that feeling. This may mean you withdraw, maybe you lash out and argue out of defense, either way when you feel this way it’s not uncommon to reciprocate the judgement and attack in your own communication.

So what do you do about this?  You change the way you communicate with your partner.  You be the one to model change and over time your partner’s own resentments and or defenses will start to lessen.  Start by noticing how often you say a judging statement or an attack. Sometimes they are subtle and we aren’t even aware of the language and how it impacts our partners feelings.  Statements like “you never” and “you always” are usually signs of a judging or attacking statement. Once you get into the habit of catching yourself attacking or judging your partner, try and find a way to bring up the issue in a softer way.  For example if your usual go to is “you never do the dishes. I’m so sick of cleaning up after everyone” you might try “I’ve been feeling frustrated with how messy the house is. Can you help me by doing the dishes a couple of nights a week?” If what you really want is a cleaner house and help with the dishes the 2nd statement will get you a lot further towards achieving that goal.

Another reason that you may struggle with resentment in your relationship, or negative sentiment override is because of frequent fighting and lack of resolution.  It makes complete sense that if you are constantly arguing you would start to form a negative opinion about your partner and start to think the worst about them. You might even start to lose hope in the relationship and start to think that it is impossible for the 2 of you to solve any problems.

Therapy can help you learn many tools that will help make conflict more constructive and help to decrease the frequency of fights you have with your partner.  One thing you can try now is to practice self soothing. Many times couples come to therapy feeling hopeless and frustrated because when they do fight the arguments just keep escalating.  Conflicts escalate because our feelings start to get in the way and we start to become flooded in our emotions. When this happens it can be difficult to get your point across in an effective way and it can be difficult to hear what your partner is saying.  Mostly what we can away from these heightened fights is a feeling of frustration, anger, and resentment.

Some ways to self soothe include: take a break of at least 20 minutes, breathe - focus on breathing in and out, tell yourself and your partner that the two of you will figure out a way to get through this fight.

When you have a lot of resentment in your relationship or when you’ve gone through long periods of fighting and not getting along it can be hard to see your partner’s positive qualities.  If we aren’t careful our brains can also start to become re-wired to only see the negatives about our partner. Start a daily practice of thinking through your day and finding one positive thing to say about your partner.  Maybe its that they give great hugs, or maybe they took the kids to school today, or they said thank you for making dinner. Nothing is too small to start.

One thing I often hear in my practice is “I don’t want to be the one to back down.  I don’t want to give in to him”. This thought is normal but it’s not helpful. Negative sentiment override often places couples in a stalemate, neither willing to budge because they feel that their emotional bank account is so heavily drained.  My response - sometimes you have to give a little in order to get a little. As hard as it is I encourage you to be the change for your relationship. In the long run this will pay off for you.

It absolutely is possible to go from feeling hopeless in your relationship to hopeful and connected.  Therapy can help you to identify your relationship patterns, learn communication skills to help you work through conflict and find constructive ways to argue.  Therapy can help you to rebuild trust, friendship and fondness and admiration in your relationship.  

If your partner isn’t interested in going to couples therapy, no problem.  Relationship therapy for one person can make a difference for the couple.

You absolutely can have the relationship of your dreams.

Call 619-383-1900 to schedule an appointment now.