The Number One Reason Couple's Fail in Couple's Therapy

When things aren’t working in a relationship it is easy to see how our partner has hurt us. Our focus is turned outward, noticing all the ways in which our partner’s haven’t shown up for us, haven’t expressed care, have let us down or been difficult or started fights with us. It’s easy to see how the other person is doing all the wrong things. We can start to have thoughts like “If only they would stop being so sensitive”, “If only they could focus on my emotions more”, “They don’t care for me, they can’t even sit and listen to me”. The narrative and pain is all abut what the other person did to us.

During the individual assessment session (Click Here to Read More About That) I sometimes hear “I need you to fix ___ about my partner” or “I need you to tell them to stop ____”. When I hear these types of statements it’s a sign to me that in order for the couple to do the real work of couples therapy, at least one of the partners needs to open up to exploring their role in the problematic relationship dynamics.

Couples therapy works under the the assumption that the couple is a system and that the system isn’t functioning well. It’s not one person who is at fault, it’s how the couple interacts, how they work together, that is at fault. This can be a hard concept for some people to understand because they’ve been in pain for so long that their brain has started to wire itself to the story “my partner is to blame”.

Couple’s where one or both partners lack the ability to do self exploration AND they aren’t open to exploring how they may have contributed to the relationship problem are doomed to fail. The inability or unwillingness to open up and look at your own behaviors creates an unequal dynamic in the relationship, where one person is placed in the position of carrying the greater effort of doing the work. When these dynamics have played out in my couples therapy practice, I see the person being blamed eventually burning out and becoming resentful. Feeling like their efforts are never good enough, that the other person can’t be satisfied, they began to disengage from the work and neither partner puts in the effort.

As you are reading this I’m sure you are thinking of some scenarios where one person is absolutely to blame for the couples unhappiness. For example, affairs. It seems easy to say that the person that cheated is the cause of the relationship problems. The person who cheated made a choice that is harmful to the relationship and they should make amends for that decision. However, the decision to cheat came from dysfunction that was already present in the relationship. To learn more about how this principle applies to affair recovery (click here)

Couples who start therapy with the inability to self reflect on their role in the relationship unhappiness are not doomed. This is a skill that can be learned. Many couples start couples therapy in this fame of mind but with some support and guidance, they are able to start to see how their actions contribute to the problem.

To start working on building this skill try asking yourself the following questions after a conflict: why was my partner upset? Did I do anything that caused them to be upset or contributed to them being upset? Did my actions or words cause the conflict to get worse? Is there anything I could have done to de-escalate the problem?

When you do couples therapy with me, Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Berkeley, California, you will go through a thorough assessment before even starting the work. This assessment helps me to be able to identify some of the stuck points that you and your partner might be facing, such as mindset. With this information, I am able to craft a plan to support you and your partner in starting to do the work of healing problematic relationship dynamics.

It is possible to have the relationship of your dreams, to heal your pain, and to grow as an individual in the relationship as well as to grow as a couple. Email today to set up a time to talk about how therapy may be able to help you and your partner heal your relationship.

3 Types of Conflict Attitudes

In my work as a marriage and family therapist I’ve found that there are 3 distinct types of conflict attitudes. There is the conflict comfortable (aka conflict neutral), conflict avoidant, and people who seem to seek out and relish conflict.

Most of my client’s describe themselves as being conflict avoidant. When issues come up in their relationship, at work, with family or friends, they look the other way. People who are conflict avoidant may even feel that they are afraid of conflict, seeing it as uncontrollable, something with no resolution or positive outcome for them. People who are conflict avoidant often live by the belief that if they don’t bring up an issue, then it will just go away. The problem is, issues seldom go away unless they are dealt with. In conflict they can withdraw, stonewall, or become dissociated. At times, when in conflict they can become very angry, lashing out, saying things they don’t mean, and at times become verbally attacking of their partners.

Conflict seekers seem to enjoy the rush of adrenaline they receive when in conflict. They can push their partners buttons, not respect boundaries, look for things to get angry about. Often times the conflict seekers are reactive to their emotions, going for 0-100 in a couple of seconds. In relationships, conflict seekers can push their partner away, seeming to have a never ending list of complaints or needs that their partner is able to meet. Conflict seekers tend to have a hard time with self soothing and regulating emotions. This can be problematic when they are trying to resolve a conflict with their partner as their partner feels that they are consistently met with resistance.

Conflict neutral people are comfortable with conflict. Conflict isn’t good or bad, it’s just a necessary part of being in relationship with others. Conflict neutral people tend to have a good understanding of their emotions, good at self soothing and regulating their emotions, and often times are good communicators. The conflict neutral people are comfortable listening to their partners emotions and needs, and they themselves are comfortable stating their emotions and needs. Conflict neutral people often times report that they have success resolving conflict with others.

Do you see yourself in any of the above listed conflict attitudes? Which one stands out most to you? Is it helpful or hurtful in your relationship? What about your partner, what is their conflict attitude? What have you noticed about their conflict attitude and how it either helps or hurts you two when you are in conflict?

If you are struggling in conflict in your relationship, couples therapy may be able to help.

When doing therapy with Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT, a trained couples therapist, you will be guided through the process of identifying your conflict patterns, gain insight into how those patterns either help or hurt your relationship and you’ll learn new ways of communicating and relating to one another.

If your partner doesn’t want to attend couples therapy, no problem. You can gain a lot of skills working one on one with a therapist that may help resolve your relationship problems. Often times once our partners see us making changes, they become motivated to join in on the change process.

Call today to schedule a free 20 minute phone consultation to find out how therapy may be able to help you improve your relationship.

Valentine's Day Every Day: A Blog Post On Building Gratitude In Your Relationship

I’ve never really been one for Valentine’s Day. It always struck me as odd that we would save all of our appreciations for one day out of the year. I don’t know about you but in my relationship, I want to feel like most days are like Valentine’s Day.

In my therapy practice, both with couples and individuals, I do a lot of work on setting reasonable expectations. It seems to me that the expectations are not reasonable for Valentine’s Day. It’s built up to be this amazing day, full of flowers, chocolate, an amazing date, and unfiltered words of affirmation for the entire day. Perhaps a more reasonable expectation for the day is a hug from your loved one, a sweet gesture such as you doing the dishes, them returning the gesture, then some purposeful time together (whatever that looks like for your relationship).

One thing that Covid has made abundantly clear is that we don’t know what the next moment holds, we can’t take things or people for granted and that their are many, many unknowns out there. Knowing how precious each moment is, knowing how important our relationships are, every day we should should be striving for gratitude in those relationships; mom, sister, partner, friends, daughters, sons, all relationships.

One way we can work on building up that gratitude, strengthening the muscle of not taking people for granted is through a modified gratitude practice. For the week, choose one relationship - doesn’t matter who it is. Each day, before bed think of 3 things about that person that you are grateful for. It can be an action they performed, words they said, the way they looked at you, a joke they told, a hug they gave, how they look in their PJ’s. Think of 3 things about that person that you are grateful for. Challenge yourself to come up with 3 unique things every day for one week. Sometimes the gratitude with repeat itself, try not to get hung up on that. At the end of the week, share that list with your partner or whom ever you chose for this practice.

How did it feel to focus on why you are grateful for that person?

How did they respond when you shared your list?

Did you notice any changes in the relationship since starting this gratitude practice?

Have you noticed any changes in yourself?

While not a Gottman strategy, it does touch upon a Gottman skill and a level of the Sound Relationship House. By focusing on your gratitude, carving out moments to be purposefully grateful, you are strengthening the level of the House called fondness and admiration. You are also working on undoing any negative sentiment override you and your relationship might be experiencing. Negative sentiment override is when we have too many negative experiences in our relationship, our brain starts to get wired to see and notice only the negative. By focusing on the good, our eyes open more to the positives in our relationship.

Every day can be Valentine’s Day when you are working on being more present, mindful, attuned to the relationship, and grateful for what your partner (or any loved one) brings to your life.

Why Your Conversations Turn Into Fights

Ever say something normal to your partner like, “hey, the kitchen is super messy”, only to have it turn into a full blown fight?  Or have you ever had your partner say something to you like “Star Trek is better than Star Wars” and find yourself in a 3 day argument?

Seemingly normal conversations with our partners can easily turn into huge fights when our triggers are left unchecked.  

What is a trigger?  Great question, I’m glad you asked.  A trigger is a topic, story, gesture, face, movement (anything) that triggers within us a strong, and often undesired feeling.  These strong emotions are frequently tied to our history and our stories.

As we go through life, have experiences, enter and exit relationships, we develop a lens in which we filter our information.  This lens is created and developed by the life we live and the experiences and relationships we have.  As our partners talk and interact with us, these interactions go through that lens, get distorted and we take that in.  Most of the time we are neutral about the information coming through this lens, sometimes we like what we see and sometimes it triggers us.

If you grew up in a house with a mom or a dad that was a clean freak who would get upset, yell or give out consequences if the dishes weren’t done, then as an adult you might get fearful when your partner shares an observation that the kitchen is messy.  Rather than seeing that as a neutral statement, or a chance to talk about how to keep the kitchen clean, you might go into defensiveness, blocking your partners statement with comments on their cleanliness, or lack thereof.  

If your older cousin was a die hard Trekkie, going to conventions and learning klingon then you might have a bias towards Star Trek.  Maybe that bias keeps you from being able to understand why your partner might like Star Wars.  When you innocently say to  your partner “Star Trek is better than Star Wars” and your partner disagrees, you might feel invalidated and tell yourself the story “they (your partner) just don’t respect me or my family”.  

Triggers, if left unchecked, can lead us to big misunderstandings where we tell ourselves stories about our self, our partner, our relationship.  These stories may or may not be true but when they are painful stories, they cause us to be defensive.

Take a moment and write down 3 triggers that show up and cause conflict in your relationship.  Write down your triggers, not your partners (although knowing their triggers is also important).  

Read through that list, notice how each trigger makes you feel.  Do you notice yourself getting angry, feeling tense in your body?  Does a trigger make you think of a certain painful or uncomfortable event?  Does a trigger make you tell a story about yourself and/or your worth?  Notice what comes up for you, try not to judge it.  

If you notice yourself getting triggered during a conversation with your partner, get curious.  Ask yourself “what am I feeling?”, “why am I feeling this way?”, “is this because of something my partner said or is it possibly reminding me of something else?”, “what story am I telling myself right now?”.  Getting curious about your trigger and your emotions can hep you to grow your awareness of your triggers.

As your awareness of your triggers grows, you can start to practice self soothing during conversations with your partner.  Some examples of self soothing are: focusing on breath, saying calming statements, taking a break from the conversation, asking your partner to go for a walk while you talk, or rewriting that story you are telling yourself (ex. “My partner doesn’t understand me” to “my partner is just sharing with me that they like watching Star Trek”).  

Self soothing helps you to stay in conversations longer with your partner, helping the two of you to start to resolve conflicts and misunderstandings more easily.

Does all this sound complicated?  It is.  If it were easy, you would have figured this out, made some changes, and the fighting with your partner would be seldom, if not non-existent.  

Couples therapy can help you and your partner to identify, talk about, understand, and learn how to manage your triggers so that when they show up in your relationship, they don’t take over.  

Begin Couples Counseling for relationship conflict in the Bay Area, California (Online/Virtually).

Couples counseling can help you and your relationship.

Helping couples communicate better and resolve conflict is not the only service we offer at Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT.  I am able to treat most couples concerns such as relationship unhappiness, affair recovery, co-parenting, and more.  I also meet with individuals and can support you through a variety of relationship and non-relationship concerns such as anxiety, self esteem, and moving beyond a break up.

Don’t go it alone, work with a trained and experienced couples therapist who can help you and your partner to heal from an affair.  Call today for a free 15 minute phone consultation (619)383-1900.

It Doesn't Matter Who Is "Right", What Matters Is How You Listen To Each Other

It’s not uncommon for a couple to find their way into my office in the midst of an argument, each person wanting to declare to me why they are “right” and why I should tell their partner they are “wrong”. Couples are often surprised to hear me say in response, “It doesn’t matter who is right or wrong. You don’t need to agree or disagree with one another, you just need to listen.” So unsatisfying, am I right?

We’ve been programmed in our life to believe that their is a right and a wrong, things are black and white, and that if the other person could just see that I’m right, well then we wouldn’t have this problem. I challenge this belief. If we think through and pull apart the many different conflict that we have had with our partner over the years, I’m sure you can come to one where your partner turned to you in the heat of the battle and said something along the lines of “Fine, you’re right, I’m wrong. Can we be done now?”. Thinking back to that same argument, did you feel heard? Did you feel understood? Did you feel like your partner cared for you in that moment? Maybe you did, but I’m guessing, probably not. That conversation probably ended feeling unresolved, despite you being “right”.

When we are in conflict with our partner, with the ones we love, more than anything we want to be heard and understood. This is a new way to think about conflict for most people. Most people believe that in conflict their has to be a winner and a looser. What couples learn when they come to do couples therapy with me, Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Gottman Couples Therapy, is that they learn that they need to listen, they need to put aside that urge to be “right”, and they need to open up to listening in order to stop fighting.

Listening is often the skill couples spend the most time on when they come to couples therapy. This is because in order to really listen, we need to discover our defenses, triggers, and learn to work through them in order to really listen. In order to discover those defenses and triggers, we need you and your partner to start working on listening.

Couples & Marriage Counseling can help you and your partner learn to the tools to become better communicators and can help you two learn how to become better at conflict.

Listening in conflict with your partner involves the following steps:

1. Take care of your needs. You can’t listen if you are hungry, haven’t had a glass of water since your morning coffee 8 hours ago, or if you need to use the bathroom. If you are in the middle of an argument and notice you are starving or have to use the restroom, press pause on the conversation and take care of your needs.

2. Someone has to go first in the listener role. You don’t get extra points for going first, but sometimes we need to set aside our competing agendas and let our partner speak first. Some couples rock, paper, scissor for who goes first, other’s request to go first, what ever works in your relationship is fine.

3. Listen to your partners words, try and understand the spirit behind their words. What is it that they want you to know? If you are having a hard time figuring out what they want you to know, maybe try and focus in on what they are feeling. Connection with your partner happens on the emotional level.

4. State back to your partner what you’ve heard. We do this for 2 reasons. 1, we are checking to make sure that what we heard is correct. When our defenses show up it creates a lens in which we take in information. We don’t always take in the correct information. Stating back what you heard gives your partner a chance to correct any miscommunications. 2, when we state back what we heard, our partners feel heard. When we feel heard, we feel less angry, we feel more connected, and we soften towards resolution.

5. Validate whatever part of your partners message that you can. Can you validate their emotion, their experience in the conflict, how they viewed the events that led to the conflict. Validate what you can. Validation deepens the softening and sends the message to your partner that you care and are trying to work through the issue.

6. Take ownership of your part in the conflict. Did you come home angry and as a result were short with your partner? Did you start a conversation on an empty stomach and get hangry half way through, did you forget to pick up something from the grocery store? It doesn’t matter how small your actions were, if they contributed to the conflict, own up to it.

7. Now switch, the listener becomes the speaker and vice versa. Couples struggle with how to make this switch. I tell couples that it is best to ask before changing roles. You might ask by saying something like “would you mind if I talked about why I got upset”, or “I experienced that (conflict, the event, your words) differently, can we talk about that?” or “I have some hurt feelings from our fight, can we talk those out"?”.

8. Take a break if you need to. Our bodies and brain take in conflict as a signal for danger. When we are in conflict our brain sends out signals of distress and stress hormones flood our bodies. We can easily go into what Gottman calls diffuse, physiological arousal. This is when our blood pressure climbs, our heart races, and we loose the ability to access the part of the brain that helps us to think through problems. In order to manage diffuse physiological arousal, we need to give our body about 20 minutes to calm down. Sometimes we need hours. Pay attention to the signals your body is sending and take a break from conflict if you need it.

Begin Couples Counseling for relationship conflict in the Bay Area, California (Online/Virtually).

Couples counseling can help you and your relationship.

Helping couples communicate better and resolve conflict is not the only service we offer at Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT.  I am able to treat most couples concerns such as relationship unhappiness, affair recovery, co-parenting, and more.  I also meet with individuals and can support you through a variety of relationship and non-relationship concerns such as anxiety, self esteem, and moving beyond a break up.

Don’t go it alone, work with a trained and experienced couples therapist who can help you and your partner to heal from an affair. Call today for a free 15 minute phone consultation (619)383-1900.

Can I Do Marriage Counseling Without My Spouse?

Can I Do Marriage Counseling Without My Spouse?

In an ideal world your spouse would be on board with working on your marriage. However, there are many reasons why your spouse or partner may be choosing to say “no” to marriage counseling. Most people have heard horror stories from friends or co-workers who report that each week they and their spouse would go into marriage counseling only to start a fight, have the therapist sit and observe, only to leave and continue the fight in the car on the way home. These stories can create fear that the issues between you and your partner can grow bigger if you go to therapy.

Other reasons your partner might not want to go to therapy; it’s scary to be vulnerable, they don’t know what to expect, they too are tired of the fighting and the way they cope with it is to withdraw, etc. Whatever their reason, it is best not to fight their need to stay out of counseling for the time being.

The fact that your spouse or partner doesn’t want to come to therapy doesn’t make it a deal breaker. You can work on the relationship, alone, in marriage counseling.

A trained couples therapist will be able to help you develop communication skills to decrease conflict, increase friendship and intimacy, and help you to find ways to start connect with your partner on a more frequent and consistent basis. You might also explore with your therapist your relationship patterns, attachment styles and triggers, and gain insight into how you and your personal history may be getting in the way of you having the marriage of your dreams. A trained couples therapist can also help you to learn how to navigate through transitions in relationships such as having a baby, your child leaving for college, partner becoming unemployed or getting a new job, moves, and much more.

Not sure you know what you want to work on but know that something in the relationship needs to change? Your therapist can help you figure out goals for therapy, what to expect from therapy and speak with you a little bit more about the direction of therapy and what to expect.

Most therapist’s will offer a free phone consultation before you schedule the session. This is a great time for you to talk a little bit about what is bringing you into therapy and a good opportunity for you to ask and find out how therapy might be able to help you and your relationship.

If you are interested in starting couples therapy or relationship therapy for yourself sent me an email. I am currently gathering a waiting list for anticipated open spots for January of 2020.

Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in the State of California and Missouri. Gwendolyn is a Level 3 Gottman trained therapist who specializes in helping couples to rebuild the friendship and spark in their relationship.

Does Online Counseling Really Work?

Does online counseling really work?

This is one of the most common questions I get. Online counseling absolutely does work and often times can be even more effective than doing in office counseling.

How online counseling works

Online counseling works much like in office counseling works only you meet with your therapist using a HIPAA compliant website or program (think Zoom) that allows you and your therapist to both see and hear each other.

The therapist is still able to read your emotions, make connections with you, and help you towards your therapy goal.

Sometimes online counseling can be more effective than in office therapy.

When doing couples therapy, it is not uncommon for couple’s to come into therapy having tried couples therapy once before only to have a bad experience that left them leaving the office and continuing to fight.

With online counseling you and your partner do not need to be in the same place. This sometimes can help to defuse the emotional tension and creates a break for the couple to work through any emotional and physiological arousal that may have occurred during the time of the session.

When doing in office couples work it can often feel like you need to respond to your emotions in the moment and continue to respond to them until you work them out with your partner. This is not always true. In fact if you or your partner is emotionally flooded it is necessary to take a break from the conversation for at least 30 minutes before coming back to it. Online counseling helps to create that space to allow you to take breaks, think about how you want to respond to your emotions, and to come back to the discussion with your partner once you are more clear on how you want to respond to your emotions.

Online counseling can be a great option for busy Bay Area couples. Let’s face it, the traffic in Berkeley, Oakland and surrounding areas is a nightmare. Online counseling provides the freedom to schedule your sessions during a lunch break, before or after working hours, in off hours time for example while you are doing your laundry.

If you have any questions about online therapy and how it works, feel free to reach out via email. In January of 2020 I will be opening my calendar again to phone consultations and new client’s.

Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in the state of California. Gwendolyn provides couples counseling and relationship counseling to the San Francisco Bay Area, Oakland, Berkeley, Orange County, and Los Angeles area.

The Importance of Stating a Positive Need

A big part of work in couple’s counseling is learning how to communicate in a way that your partner can hear while learning to hear what your partner is saying to you. Often times couples come to therapy frustrated with each other because they know their is a problem with their communication but they just can’t seem to figure out what the problem is or how to fix it.

Couple’s often start therapy feeling distant from their partner, feeling like their partner has checked out, and feeling hopeless because their efforts to get their needs met have gone ignored or they feel like their partner isn’t acknowledging all the effort and changes they’ve made for their partner.

Picture this: You walk in the door after a long day. You’re tired, you need to feed the kids, you just can’t wait to slip on your sweats and relax in front of the TV. As you walk down the hallway you notice dirty socks on the ground, you go into the kitchen and once again your partner has left his breakfast dishes on the counter, you go into the front room and find your partner sitting on the couch watching TV and they look up from the TV and say “Hey babe, what’s for dinner?”. Your heart starts to race, your thoughts start to race “what’s wrong with him? Why can’t he do anything around the house?” You get mad, you are tired, and you explode “What am I? The maid? Get up off your ass and make dinner.” Your partner, hurt, goes into the kitchen and quietly starts making something to eat. You feel like a jerk and retreat to the bedroom. You come out a few minutes later, changed into your comfy clothes and offer a meek apology followed by a “I need you to stop leaving the dishes on the counter”. Your partner hears that you were angry about the dishes and focuses on putting the dishes in the sink.

A week later the scenario repeats itself but this time the dishes are in the sick. You explode again and this time you say “I need for you to stop being so lazy and start helping around the house”. Your partner hears your words but feels criticized. They weren’t able to really hear what it is you were telling them because they were so focused on feeling hurt. Instead of hearing what you really needed which was “I need some help. I’m tired.” They left the conversation feeling criticized.

If not fixed this cycle repeats itself over and over with the couple feeling pushed further and further apart. After awhile one person stops trying to make changes, the other stops asking for their needs to be met, and emotional intimacy becomes scarce, and when emotional intimacy becomes scarce.

In my last blog post which you can find here, I shared a strategy to help you and your partner start to really hear each other. Today I’m talking about how to communicate in a way that will help your partner better hear what it is you are communicating.

So what does a couple do when they are in the situation I outlined above? One strategy each person in the couple can work on is making sure they are communicating their needs in a way their partner can hear. A need is simply as it sounds, something we need from our partner. A need can be a chore such as “I need you to help me do the dishes each night after dinner” or a need can be emotional “I need you to listen when I talk about my stressful day at work”. A need can even be a physical act of care such as “I need a hug”.

Sometimes we aren’t clear on what our need is, like in my story above. The partner who got upset could have been mad about the socks on the ground, the dirty dishes, the assumption that they were going to make dinner, feeling tired and seeing their partner relaxing on the couch. Many things went into that partner feeling angry. To get clear on our needs we need to first take some space from our emotions. Before reacting to the emotion, for example anger, take a moment and ask your self; what am I thinking? what am I feeling? Try and get clear on why you are feeling upset with your partner. Don’t ignore the feeling. Once you understand why you got triggered, what you are feeling and what you need then it’s time to go talk to your partner about it.

When talking to your partner you may have the urge to tell him or her all the things you want them to stop doing. This is because we can see the things that drive us nuts like the dirty socks on the ground or the dishes that were left out. We want our partners to stop doing the things that make us crazy mad. When we state our needs in a negative way our partners feel criticized and they stop listening.

If you find yourself saying “Stop leaving your socks on the ground” you may try instead “Can you please pick your socks up in the hallway. You left a dirty pair there.”, or if you find yourself saying “Why don’t you cook dinner? I do it all the time” you may try “I am noticing that I feel overwhelmed by cooking us dinner most nights. Can you take over dinner a couple of nights a week?”

Look over the statements below. See if you can identify the need in the statement and practice changing the wording around a little so that the need is stated in a more positive way.

• How come I’m the only one that plans anything for this family?

• I need you to stop just sitting there when your mom is criticizing me.

• I need you to stop putting work before everything else.

What did you notice about the statements? Some sound like criticism, some sounds like needs.

In the first statement the need is “I need you to spend more time with the family”. To change that statement to a positive need you might try something like “I’d love a family day out. How about this Saturday we do something fun. Do you have any ideas for what we can do?”

In the second statement the person is feeling hurt and needing their partner to help set boundaries with their partners mom. To state that need positively you might say “It really makes me feel angry and sad when your mom criticizes me. I need for you to step in and ask your mom to stop when she is saying unkind things”.

In the third statement the partner is expressing the need for attention. To state that need positively you might say “I miss spending time with you. Can you scale back a little at work so that you are home in time for dinner each night?”

Learning to state needs in a positive way is very hard to master. Be kind and patient with yourself as you work on mastering this communication skill.

Working with me, Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I help couples to identify their communication challenges, relationship needs, and create a plan to address the couples unique needs. Whether as a couple or individual work, couples counseling or relationship counseling can have a positive impact on a relationship. You deserve to be happy, you deserve a loving relationship, call today to schedule your free 20 minute phone consultation to find out how couples therapy and relationship therapy can help you: 619-383-1900

A Simple Tool That Will Make a Huge Impact In Your Next Relationship Conflict

Most couples when they come to see me talk about their arguing, they just can’t seem to get beyond it, they don’t feel heard, and they feel like their partner just doesn’t get them. They keep having the same fights, talking about the same issues and getting no where. Often, by the time they make an appointment to see me one or both partners has shut down, stopped trying to communicate, resentment has set in and the couple is in a stalemate. In those situations we spend a lot of time in the early stages of therapy working on practicing putting down our own personal agendas and just listening to what our partner is trying to communicate.

If this sounds like you and your partner - read on to learn a tool that will help you and your partner better hear what the other person is trying to communicate.

1. Each person get’s a piece of paper or notebook to write on.

2. Decide who will be the listener first (each person will get a chance to practice speaking and listening).

3. Rules for the speaker: A) No blaming or criticizing your partner B) No “You” statements, practice using “I” statements. I feel ___ when ___. I need ___. C) State your needs positively. For example “I need you to help with the dishes after dinner” NOT “I need you to stop making such a big mess and leaving it for me to clean up”.

4. Rules for the listener: A) Set aside your agenda and just focus on what your partner is trying to communicate to you. If you find it is hard to set your agenda aside, remind yourself that you too will have a turn to speak. B) As the speaker talks, take notes. C) Tune into your partners emotions, what is it they are wanting you to understand and know about their feelings and their experiences? D) Offer validation and ask questions (if needed) to deepen your understanding of your partner’s needs. E) When your partner is done speaking, state back what you heard your partner communicating to you.

5. Switch, speaker is now listener and vice versa.

When you start off using this tool it might not feel natural to use the paper to take notes or you may notice that you are distracted by your partner taking notes. I encourage you to work through this. Writing notes has many benefits, it helps the listener to better process what is being said, it helps to defuse some tension which decreases emotional flooding, and it helps support the listener if they become flooded while stating back what they heard the speaker say.

The goal with this tool is not to have resolution or compromise, it is only to hear and understand what your partner is saying and to help your partner understand what you are saying.

Using this early on in conflict will help you and your partner avoid getting the the point of resentment and withdraw.

If you and your partner could use a little help with navigating through conflict, working with a trained Gottman couples therapist will help you to learn valuable communication skills to help you and your partner learn to fight in a constructive way. Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT is a level 2 Gottman trained therapist and will be completing level 3 in mid September. Gottman therapy is a scientifically backed couples therapy method that supports couples in building emotional connection, maintaining friendship, communicating needs, and working through conflict.

Why wait? Your relationship is worth the investment. Call today (619) 383-1900 to schedule your free 20 minute phone consultation or scroll to the bottom of the homepage and click the button to be taken to my online scheduler.

How to Handle it When You or Your Partner Shuts Down During a Fight

John Gottman calls it Diffuse Physiological Arousal that state that a person goes into when they have started to emotionally flood and they are starting to shut down emotionally and physically. During Diffuse Physiological Arousal we might experience a racing heart, we might feel tense, we might go into what feels like fight, flight or freeze.

The 4 Horsemen - criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling tend to show up during Diffuse Physiological Arousal (DPA). This is because we (or our partners) are having a hard time managing the emotional flooding and are seeking ways to pull back or push away.

People who are in DPA have lost the ability to listen, some report hearing music or white noise, others report it being completely silent. People in DPA also can’t access their sense of humor, a key component to being able to navigate through conflict. Additionally when we are in the state of DPA we can’t give or receive affection which means any attempt by our partners to help us soothe or any attempt we make to soothe our partner is often overlooked and not helpful.

We can tell when our partner is in DPA because they start to show us the 4 horsemen by either criticizing, becoming defensive, stonewalling or expressing contempt. Another way that we can tell our partner is in DPA is if they start to repeat themselves (this is because in their physiological state, they can’t listen).

What Do We Do When We Are In DPA?

When you catch yourself or your partner showing signs of flooding:

1. Stop Immediately and take a break. Breaks should last at least 30 minutes in length. Research shows that it takes our bodies about 30 minutes to work through the physiological arousal of flooding. Sometimes we need more time and that’s OK. Breaks shouldn’t last more than 24 hours, after 24 hours the likelihood that you and your partner will return to the issue decreases.

2. Set a time to meet up again with your partner. Saying something like “This is hard, I need to take a break. How about we continue this conversation in 30 minutes, is that OK?” can help you to communicate your needs and set a time to return to the conflict.

3. During the break take positive actions to help yourself calm down. Physical movement such as going for a walk or doing a short yoga routine can help your body to process the physiological response to your emotions. Other soothing activities to do during a break can include listening to music, watching a TV show, doing a meditation, going outside to get fresh air.

4. Don’t ruminate on the issue. If possible think about something else, anything else. Spending your break ruminating on the issue will cause you to re-enter the conflict with more fire and fury.

5. If you need more time, ask for it, tacking on 30 minutes to an hour each time and checking in with your partner as you go.

6. If your partner becomes upset with your need for a longer break, offer reassurance. A statement like “This is important to me and I want to make sure that I can really understand what you are telling me. I can’t do that right now but I do love you and I want to work through this with you” can be reassuring to your partner.

If you are finding that you and your partner are having the same fights over and over and are unable to resolve conflict, couples therapy may be able to help. A trained couples therapist can help you and your partner to learn communication skills to help move the two of you beyond the arguments and towards feeling more connected, supported, and closer.

Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, a licensed marriage and family therapist in the states of California and Missouri is a Gottman trained, Level 2 (soon to be Level 3) therapist who specializes in couples seeking to rebuild their connection and create a fulfilling, meaningful, lasting love.

Call today, or click the link on the homepage to schedule a free 20 minute phone consultation to find out how couples therapy may be able to help your relationship.

What to Do When You've Said Something Wrong During an Argument With Your Partner

You’ve been fighting for hours about the same thing. Your tired, your frustrated, your blood pressure is shooting through the roof, and you start yelling. What comes out is cruel, off topic, and so not helpful to resolving the fight. You feel bad, your partner is even more mad, and now the two of you have taken a step backwards in working through this fight.

We’ve all been there. When this happens it is painful for sure, but not impossible to fix.

When things become escalated during a conversations and you can see that it is going no where good you have some options - one option being to try and give a repair.

There are a couple of types of ways that you can give a repair to your partner after you’ve said something you regret or when you see that you words have escalated the fight.

1. Affection: Remind your partner you love them, offer them some reassurance. Often times when we are in a fight we can have our fears triggered. Things like “they’re going to leave”, “they don’t love me”, “this is impossible, we can’t work through this” can come up and make it harder for our partners to work through conflict. Examples of affection include; “Hey, I love you and were going to get through this”, “I see that you are really trying to work this out with me, thank you”, “you are doing better with the dishes, thank you”.

2. Agreement: If your partner has successfully persuaded you in their argument, agree and move on. A simple statement like “true, you do have a good point” is often enough to move the conversation along towards resolution.

3. Compromise: Try and meet your partner part of the way towards their needs and see if they are willing to compromise to meet your need. To do a compromise, you need to be in the position to be able to understand your partners point of view and what they need. Example of a compromise: Partner 1: “You spend all day at softball, we never do anything on the weekends because of that”. Partner 2: “That’s not true, we have all day Saturday to do chores and grocery shop”. Partner 1: “Exactly! How is that time together?” Partner 2: “I see what you are saying. How about I pick up the groceries on Thursday night, and we come up with some kind of chore system where we get the chores done little by little throughout the week. Then we can have Saturday together.”

4. Defining the Conflict: It is not uncommon for one person or both partners to get lost in a conflict. With emotions, defenses, and issues that keep popping in and out of a conflict it can feel as if the 2 of you are talking about 2 different things. When things get heated in a fight it can help to take a pause and define the conflict. Example: “I just want to check in and make sure I understand why you are upset. You’re upset because ____. Is that correct?”

5. Guarding: This is when the conflict has risen to a point where one partner is feeling as if the other is approaching dangerous territory. Guarding can be used to gently set a boundary - “Careful, you know I get mad when you talk about my mom”.

6. Humor: Always a good thing. Humor can be used to laugh at the situation. Never laugh at your partner.

7. Making Promises: Make a promise to try and work on the issue. For example, if the issue is housework, say “How about I try and work on doing the dishes each night. It would help me too if you reminded me to take out the trash because I forget”.

When doing couples therapy I often work with couples on identifying moments, signs that their partners give them that let each partner know that the conversation or conflict is heading in a bad direction - one where resolution might not happen. I then work with the couple to help them identify helpful repair strategies, strategies that their partner might be most receptive too. I work with the couple to help them understand that it is each persons responsibility to help manage the flow of conflict, help their partner to manage emotions, and to work towards resolution. Repair attempts are just one of many strategies that couples can work on in therapy.

Start working on your relationship today! For a free phone consultation call (619)383-1900 or go to the homepage, scroll to the bottom of the page and click the link to schedule your free phone consultation.

How to find the right couples therapist

It’s unfortunate, the frequency with which one of my client’s tells me they had a bad experience with a couples therapist. It takes a lot of courage to go to couples therapy and by the time most couples decide to go to therapy they are at a point of desperation, they just want the relationship to get better.

Finding a couples therapist that matches your needs takes a bit of work. First, if you were hoping to use your insurance for couples therapy, most insurance plans will not cover a couples therapy session. This is because in order to use your insurance the service has to be medically necessary. Insurance does not view your relationship as a medically necessary issue to cover. For this reason alone I suggest that people do not call their insurance companies for a list of referrals to therapists.

Before calling any therapist take a moment and think about what you hope to get from going to couples therapy. Do you want to learn how to work through conflict? Are you feeling emotionally disconnected from your partner? Is your relationship recovering from an affair or breach of trust? Get clear on your needs before calling.

Next, decide what type of therapist you are looking for. There are 2 main schools of couples therapy (there are plenty more but in general therapists tend to fall into one of these two) Gottman Couples Therapy and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. The way I think about Gottman is that it is skills based and focuses on helping couples to improve communication, learn skills, build friendship, trust and respect. Emotionally focused couples therapy focuses on attachment wounds and helping couples to heal and connect with their partner. Both are great, both have their merits, its just a matter of which one is a better fit for your needs. Click here to read a blog I wrote on the differences between Gottman and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy.

To find a therapist there are a lot of great search directories out there. One of my favorites is Therapy Den. One of the reasons that I like them is because they give back. They take a portion of the fees that therapist’s pay to be listed on their site and they donate it to organizations such as Planned Parenthood and the Trevor Project. One of the largest therapist directories out there is Psychology Today. This is a great site to use if you want to try and use your insurance as it lets you filter out your options by insurance companies. However you can also do this on Therapy Den. If you are interested in a Gottman trained therapist, the Gottman Referral Network will help you find a therapist that is trained in the Gottman Method.

When you’re ready, start calling or emailing therapists and set up a phone consultation. Most therapists will offer a free 15 minute phone consultation to discuss how they work and to answer any questions you might have. When I conduct my phone sessions I reserve a little bit of time to hear what is going on, why you are looking into therapy, I share with you my method (Gottman) and talk about what I see us working on together if you decided to book a session with me. I also save time to answer any questions you might have.

Some Questions To Ask During Your Initial Consultation

1. Do you have special training in couples therapy? If so, what.

2. Do you practice Gottman or Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy?

3. What would we work on in therapy?

4. I’ve heard that couples therapy can cause an increase in fighting, what should we expect in therapy and what should we do if we find ourselves fighting a lot?

5. How can you help us?

When you do therapy with me, Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I use Gottman Couples Therapy. I focus on helping couples to rebuild their friendship, enjoy their time together, and I help couples learn valuable communication skills to help them work through conflict in a productive way. If you are interested in Couples Therapy or Individual Relationship Therapy go to the homepage of this website and click on the button at the bottom of the page to schedule your initial consultation.

What To Expect During The First Couple Of Sessions (Couples Therapy)

It’s been months of non stop fighting and the two of you have agreed it’s time to go to counseling.  You feel anxious, unsure what to expect, hopeful that this helps. It feels like so much is riding on this.  You hope you choose a good therapist, you hope the therapist can help you explain your side, you hope they can help the two of you start talking again.

It takes a lot of courage to come to couples therapy.

You may be gearing up to come into therapy and unload everything that is wrong in your relationship, some therapists might have you do this.

When a couple comes to me, Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT I work with couples right away to get them talking and to help them start connecting again.  Friendship is key to being able to work out any relationship problem.

In my first session with client’s I start off by first welcoming them to therapy.  I go over the business stuff I’m required to verbally say to you and answer any questions you or your partner might have about the paperwork, fees, confidentiality, etc.

From there I invite one of you to share what brought you into couples therapy.  In this first session both you and your partner get to share about some of the issues that led you to couples therapy.  I might ask about your history in couples therapy, what the two of you gained from past experiences in couples therapy, what didn’t work in couples therapy.  I usually ask about the history of your relationship, how you met and how you got to where you are today (living together, married, committed, etc.). If time allows, I have you and your partner discuss a problem while I watch, like a fly on the wall.  During this time I’m just observing the interaction between the two of you and seeing what is working, and what isn’t working.  

At the end of the session I talk about some more assessment pieces that I do, one is an in depth online assessment, the other is to schedule a one on one with each person in the partnership.  At the end of the session I also give you my clinical impressions, how I see myself helping you and your partner.

Sessions 2 and 3 are those individual sessions.

During our individual time together I invite you to share with me any additional information, concerns, or issues you’d like to address in our work together.  It’s a chance for you to talk a little more freely about some of the struggles you’ve been facing in your relationship. Some things I might ask in our time together;  what is your commitment to working on the relationship? What do you want to work on as a couple? What do you want to work on individually within the couple? History of affairs?  Alcohol and other drug use? At the end of our session together I re-cap and answer any questions you might have about therapy.

Session 4

With the information that you provided me through your couples session, individual sessions, and the online assessment I go a little bit deeper into my clinical impressions and suggest a few initial goals for therapy.  Therapy works best when you are working on goals that feel important to you. If you don’t agree with my goals, or if you find that you were wanting to work on something else, tell me, let’s talk about it.

Now the hard work starts.  Gottman therapy works under the framework of the Sound Relationship House.  The idea being that for you to work through the hard stuff, like conflict, you need to have a strong foundation upon which to grow; friendship and understanding of each other.  Goals for therapy focus on building friendship and connection, learning to speak to each other in ways the other can hear, learning to manage your emotions when you are in conflict, supporting your partner when they are flooded with emotions, and so much more.  

By the time you leave couples therapy my hope is that you feel reconnected to your partner, passionate about your relationship, you feel heard, seen, and accepted, you enjoy each other.  I want for you to have the confidence to know that the two of you can work through conflict and grow closer together as a result of it.

It absolutely is possible to grow closer to your partner through conflict.  A couples therapist can help you learn how to turn conflict into a chance to learn about your partner and grow.

Learn how to have constructive fights, turn conflict into a chance for connection, and grow your relationship.

Call Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist today and find out how couples therapy may be able to help your relationship (619) 383-1900

Gottman or EFT? Which one will save my marriage?

We’ve all heard those nightmare stories from our friends about those couples who went and the therapist only made it worse.

The reality is that going to couples therapy does bring up unresolved issues.  It does sometimes mean that things get worse before they get better. That’s why finding a trained couples therapist is so important.

With couples therapy there are 2 main modes of treatment; Gottman Couple’s Therapy and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT).  Both treatment approaches have their merits and both are backed by science.

Gottman Therapy

John and Julie Gottman are psycho-therapist’s in Seattle, Washington.  John Gottman has been researching couples for many years, even decades and can predict the success of a marriage with 90% + accuracy.

Gottman couples therapy is based on the Sound Relationship House framework.  The Sound Relationship House is like the layers of a relationship, at the foundation is what Gottman refers to as Love Maps - knowing your partner, the next layer is Fondness and Admiration.  The Sound Relationship House builds up from the foundation to managing conflict to eventually building shared meaning. Simply put, you need a good foundation to create a life of shared meaning.  That is why at the bottom of the Sound Relationship House you’ll find Love Maps (knowing your partner) and Fondness and Admiration. When the shit hits the fan you need to know and like your partner in order to stick it out with your partner.

Gottman couples therapy relies heavily on skill building.  With Gottman couples therapy the therapist helps to create an environment which in the early stages of therapy helps build that fondness and admiration.  In the mid to later stages of therapy the therapist takes on more of a coach role, educating couples on communication skills and strategies and then coaching the couple as they work to use these newly learned skills.  

With Gottman Couples Therapy couples leave the therapy session with skills they can start using right away that help them to start to work through conflict and decrease fighting.

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy

Sue Johnson is the creator of emotionally focused couples therapy (EFT).  EFT is based attachment theory and helps couples to create a more secure attachment with each other.

The idea behind EFT is that we all respond to emotions and some of our responses are rooted in fear and defenses.  Our attachment wounds and attachment styles impact how we respond to emotions. Our partners have the capacity to trigger attachment wounds, emotional defenses and fearful responses.  EFT works with couples to help them learn how to re-organize their emotional responses which creates a new way of relating with your partner.

Both of these methods have been shown to be important in helping couples to work through relationship difficulties.  Both methods have been shown to help couples to decrease fighting in the relationship.  

When you come to me, Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT, for couples therapy you will get couples therapy from a trained couples therapist.

When selecting training for treating couples I was drawn towards Gottman because of the science that backs it.  While both are rooted in data and science, Gottman spoke to the more logic and data driven side of me. As a therapist who married a scientist I love facts, figures, rules, and things I know work.  

I know how important your relationship and your family is to you.  

Call (619) 383-1900 today to schedule your free 15 minute phone consultation to find out how Couples Therapy with me, may be able to help your relationship.

Is your partner resistant to couples therapy?  No problem, relationship therapy can be done through individual therapy.  Call (619) 383-1900 today to schedule your free 15 minute phone consultation to find out how individual therapy may be able to help your relationship.

Negative Sentiment Override - A Major Block To You Having A Fulfilling Relationship

When all you ever seem to do is fight with your partner it’s hard to want to go home and spend time with them.  Finding extra things to do at work, or going out for happy hour with your friends seems like a reasonable excuse to avoid what has become a very tiresome pattern in your relationship.

It can feel awful to dread seeing your partner, to avoid going home.  When you live your life this way, avoiding your partner and hoping the two of you can find yourself back on a better path, it easily can turn into you or your partner feeling disconnected, withdrawing and making the problem between the two of your worse.

Negative sentiment override is what happens when over time, all the arguing, all the conflict between you and your partner has built up for so long that you can no longer give your partner (or they can no longer give you) the benefit of the doubt.  Perhaps for you it plays out in your life like this: For a month you’ve been planning to go to your parents house for dinner. You haven’t seen them in a while and you’ve been looking forward to spending some time with them. You told your partner about the dinner, asked them to come home from work on time, and made sure they could make it to dinner at your parents.  On the day that you are supposed to go to dinner at your parents your partner is 20 minutes late getting home from work. S/he wants to take a quick shower before leaving. 20 minutes late has now turned into 30 minutes later than you wanted to leave. As they are grabbing their stuff to get in the car you explode and angrily tell them “My family isn’t important to you.  Just stay home, you obviously don’t care about my parents or me. You’re so selfish.” Your partner who just rushed home after being stuck in a meeting s/he couldn’t get out of yells back at you “I’m selfish. I just about killed myself trying to get home on time. I tried!”.  

Eventually, the two of you wind up in a place where you just drop the issue, don’t speak about the problem, and use that interaction as just more proof that your partner doesn’t care about you.  

Many couples find themselves in similar patterns.  It’s completely normal to go through periods in your relationship where it’s just hard to get along with your partner.  Life tosses many curve balls into a relationship, work stress, having children, caring for aging parents are just some of the many things that cause couples to go through long periods of difficulties.

It’s true that when you can’t give your partner the benefit of the doubt, or they can’t seem to see the effort you’re putting into your relationship it can drive the two of you further apart.  However, if we can learn to fight with our partners in a constructive way, then conflict can be a tool that brings the two of you closer together. When we make changes to how we bring up a potential conflict, how we listen to our partner, how we work to negotiate our needs in our relationship then we can have a lasting and fulfilling relationship.

Without help the two of you could continue to fight, with increasing resentment, and eventually break up.

The biggest downside of not overcoming negative sentiment override is that the cycle continues, leading to ongoing fighting, feeling distant, and possibly even breaking up.  You spend a good chunk of your time thinking back to the way things were, longing to have the relationship that the two of you used to have, longing to feel heard, loved, pursued.  Yours or your partners resentment starts to grow the more they long for what used to be and the negative sentiment override grows stronger. Being in a relationship with so much resentment, so much hurt, is  unbearable and not sustainable.

With help the two of you grow closer, feel more connected, and the fighting stops.

Although you may struggle with negative sentiment override in your relationship you and your partner have the potential to overcome it and grow closer.  When you choose to work on your relationship, there is a possibility for increased connectedness, re-igniting that spark in your relationship, and to grow together as a couple.  You have the opportunity to learn how to effectively communicate with your partner, get your needs met in your relationship, reduce resentment and frustration, and have a meaningful relationship.

3 Tips to Help You Reduce Resentment In Your Relationship & Start Connecting

Yes, its true you may be feeling resentment in your relationship but it is possible to release resentment and overcome negative sentiment override.  The key to overcoming resentment in your relationship is to actively work on improving the way you communicate, learning how to self soothe so that you can help de-escalate conflict, and remind yourself of your partners positive qualities.  

Take a look at these 3 tips to see how you can start to overcome resentment and negative sentiment override in your relationship.

One of the reasons you may struggle with negative sentiment override or resentment in your relationship is because of the way you and your partner are communicating with each other.  If every time you have a fight with your partner you feel attacked or judged overtime you might develop protective ways of coping with that feeling. This may mean you withdraw, maybe you lash out and argue out of defense, either way when you feel this way it’s not uncommon to reciprocate the judgement and attack in your own communication.

So what do you do about this?  You change the way you communicate with your partner.  You be the one to model change and over time your partner’s own resentments and or defenses will start to lessen.  Start by noticing how often you say a judging statement or an attack. Sometimes they are subtle and we aren’t even aware of the language and how it impacts our partners feelings.  Statements like “you never” and “you always” are usually signs of a judging or attacking statement. Once you get into the habit of catching yourself attacking or judging your partner, try and find a way to bring up the issue in a softer way.  For example if your usual go to is “you never do the dishes. I’m so sick of cleaning up after everyone” you might try “I’ve been feeling frustrated with how messy the house is. Can you help me by doing the dishes a couple of nights a week?” If what you really want is a cleaner house and help with the dishes the 2nd statement will get you a lot further towards achieving that goal.

Another reason that you may struggle with resentment in your relationship, or negative sentiment override is because of frequent fighting and lack of resolution.  It makes complete sense that if you are constantly arguing you would start to form a negative opinion about your partner and start to think the worst about them. You might even start to lose hope in the relationship and start to think that it is impossible for the 2 of you to solve any problems.

Therapy can help you learn many tools that will help make conflict more constructive and help to decrease the frequency of fights you have with your partner.  One thing you can try now is to practice self soothing. Many times couples come to therapy feeling hopeless and frustrated because when they do fight the arguments just keep escalating.  Conflicts escalate because our feelings start to get in the way and we start to become flooded in our emotions. When this happens it can be difficult to get your point across in an effective way and it can be difficult to hear what your partner is saying.  Mostly what we can away from these heightened fights is a feeling of frustration, anger, and resentment.

Some ways to self soothe include: take a break of at least 20 minutes, breathe - focus on breathing in and out, tell yourself and your partner that the two of you will figure out a way to get through this fight.

When you have a lot of resentment in your relationship or when you’ve gone through long periods of fighting and not getting along it can be hard to see your partner’s positive qualities.  If we aren’t careful our brains can also start to become re-wired to only see the negatives about our partner. Start a daily practice of thinking through your day and finding one positive thing to say about your partner.  Maybe its that they give great hugs, or maybe they took the kids to school today, or they said thank you for making dinner. Nothing is too small to start.

One thing I often hear in my practice is “I don’t want to be the one to back down.  I don’t want to give in to him”. This thought is normal but it’s not helpful. Negative sentiment override often places couples in a stalemate, neither willing to budge because they feel that their emotional bank account is so heavily drained.  My response - sometimes you have to give a little in order to get a little. As hard as it is I encourage you to be the change for your relationship. In the long run this will pay off for you.

It absolutely is possible to go from feeling hopeless in your relationship to hopeful and connected.  Therapy can help you to identify your relationship patterns, learn communication skills to help you work through conflict and find constructive ways to argue.  Therapy can help you to rebuild trust, friendship and fondness and admiration in your relationship.  

If your partner isn’t interested in going to couples therapy, no problem.  Relationship therapy for one person can make a difference for the couple.

You absolutely can have the relationship of your dreams.

Call 619-383-1900 to schedule an appointment now. 

Attachment Styles - Why Yours May Be Causing Conflict In Your Relationship

You and your partner have a pattern, it may look like this:  You are feeling restless, you think it’s because of your relationship.  You start to wonder what is wrong in your relationship. You question if your partner is cheating on you, if they’ve fallen out of love with you, if they are no longer interested in you sexually.  You start to question if you’ve gained weight, if you are boring. All this anxiety in your head causes you to start to cling to your partner. You start to question them more about where they’ve been, do they find you attractive, “how come we don’t have sex anymore?”.  You plan date nights, but lingerie. The more you try, the more your partner pulls back. They ignore you, change the subject, become more focused on the TV, computer, everything else but you. All of your efforts seem to drive away your partner.  

Or maybe your pattern looks more like this:  Your partner brings up a conflict with you. They didn’t do the best job of bringing it up in a gentle way.  You’re angry at them, you feel defensive, you can’t really put words to your feelings but your pissed and you are shutting down.  Your head goes blank, you really don’t know what to say, you aren’t really even listening to your partner anymore. Your partner gets more angry, raises their voice, acts more desperate to get your attention but it doesn’t work because you’ve gone into panic mode and have checked out.  The conflict escalates until someone or both of you explodes and says something that you or they regret. Both of you retreat, don’t talk about the issue, no resolution has taken place.

These are just two common patterns I see in couples.  You may not realize it but both of these patterns are caused by attachment wounds and fear of abandonment.

There are 3 types of attachment; secure, anxious, and avoidant.  Attachment is formed in our childhood through our relationships with our primary caregivers.  

As you might have guessed, we aim for secure attachment.  Someone with secure attachment is comfortable with their own feelings, comfortable with their partners feelings, enjoys intimacy and closeness but also values independence (theirs and their partners).

Most of us are anxious or avoidant.  People with anxious attachment styles tend to be anxious in their relationships and tend to personalize their partners interactions.  To feel secure in their relationship they tend to need frequent re-assurance from their partner, attention, and intimacy. When their partner pulls away or expresses a need for independence this makes the anxious person hold on tighter.

Avoidant attachment style people tend to value their freedom over their relationships.  When they get close to intimacy and vulnerability they have the urge to push away. People who fall into this category often times are uncomfortable with their own feelings or their partners feelings.

These attachment styles can make it challenging to be in a relationship.  For example, the classic dance I see in couples therapy is an anxious person who is in a relationship with an avoidant person.  The push, pull of this pairing can create much conflict.

Another common mixing that I see in my work with couples is a mix of avoidant and secure.  Frequently the secure person is confused by the avoidant person’s apparent lack of interest in the relationship.  This pairing often comes to couples therapy saying that the relationship lacks emotional intimacy.

What can a couple do if they are finding themselves in an incompatible attachment style relationship?  I first want to say that attachment styles can be changed. By learning to understand our emotions, and getting comfortable with uncomfortable emotions, and learning how to express and manage our emotions in a healthy way we can start to make the transition over to a secure attachment style.

Another option is to work on attachment styles together, with your partner, in couples therapy.  Couples therapy can help you to learn how to communicate with your partner in a way that they can hear.  Couples therapy can also teach you tools on how to hear what your partner is communicating with you. Beyond the basics of listening, couples therapy can also help you to learn how to negotiate for your needs in your relationship, help you to learn how to navigate conflict (because conflict is normal), and couples therapy can help you learn how to reconnect with your partner following a conflict.

It’s true that attachment styles can cause conflict in relationships.  However, if we can learn to understand, express our feelings in a healthy way, and learn to communicate with our partner we can create meaningful and healthy relationships, no matter what our or our partner’s attachment style is.  When we learn to understand our feelings and communicate with our partner it is entirely possible to work through conflict with our partner in a way that brings about resolution.

It is possible to have a healthy, meaningful, and fulfilling relationship. 

Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT can help you to understand your relationship patterns and how those patterns may be getting in the way of you having the relationship that you want.

Call today (619) 383-1900 to schedule a free 15 minute phone consultation.  Or go to the home page and click on the button to schedule your consultation today.

3 Ways Therapy Can Help Your Relationship

Each couple brings in a unique set of challenges and experiences that dictate their needs in couples therapy.  Your therapist can discuss with you what your needs are and can help you and your partner create goals for couples therapy.  Along with those goals that you create with your therapist there are some benefits that just go along with doing couples therapy.  

There are no guaranteed outcomes in therapy and your therapist can’t promise resolution to the problem that brought you in.  However most people that do go to couples therapy report an increase in relationship satisfaction.

Couples therapy can help you learn the right way to argue so that the problem doesn’t get bigger.  This is a huge benefit to couples therapy. This goes way beyond just using I messages when in an argument with your partner.  What I tell my couples is that I messages are an art - they go way beyond “I feel angry”. Think about some of the I messages you’ve given in your life.  Chances are one or two of them have deteriorated into you statements without you even realizing it. They may have looked something like “I feel angry when YOU forget to clean up after yourself.  I am not your mom”. See how that might look like an I statement but after some examination it’s a little more clear how that turned into a you statement. If you’ve done this don’t get upset with yourself - I messages are hard.  A trained couples therapist can help you to learn the art of a softened startup which is basically learning nice ways to bring up potentially conflictual topics with your partner. A therapist can also help you learn how to de-escalate an argument that has gone south.  Learning the right way to argue now will save you a ton of frustration in the future. Even if you and your partner don’t have any major issues between the two of you now, learning how to argue will save the two of you from having small problems turn into much larger problems.

Couples therapy can also help you to build your friendship.  Of course you are friends with your partner, you have this relationship for a reason after all.  There is some part of you that does like this person. But as we grow and change so do our partners.  Couples therapy helps people to keep the friendship in focus and provides a space and opportunity to learn about some of the ways in which your partner may have changed since the two of you started dating.  Friendship is a key component to helping couples get through tougher times in their relationships.

Couples therapy can help you learn how to talk in a way that will help your partner listen.  This goes back to what I was saying earlier about the softened start up. If we go into a tough conversation with guns blazing, ready to take down our partner because we are pissed chances are our partner will run the other way and we will be left even more frustrated because not only were we mad about the situation but now we feel unheard.  Honestly, who likes that feeling? A trained couples therapist can help you learn how to speak in a way that helps your partner to listen. In return the therapist can help your partner learn active listening skills so that when you do speak, they can really hear what it is you are trying to communicate.

Are you ready to start working on your relationship? Call today to schedule your free 15 minute phone consultation and find out how therapy might be able to help your relationship. (619) 383-1900.

Your Relationship After Baby

Even the best of couples can feel off in their relationship after a baby arrives.  Exhaustion has set in, routines have changed, and you are in the midst of renegotiating household responsibilities.  As the kids get older it can continue to feel as if you and your partner are no longer spending time together, connecting, taking time to be a couple.  

John Gottman is a researcher who has studied couples and is considered a leading resource for couples therapists.  One tool that Gottman suggests to get a couple back on track is the use of a Love Map.  A Love Map, simply put, is a way to get to know the small things in your husband or wife’s life.  Asking questions such as “who do you like to go to lunch with at work?” and “what do you worry about?” can help to build a better understanding of your partners world.

You may think you know the answers to many of these questions and perhaps you do but I’m guessing some of the answers have changed over time.  Just as our world is constantly evolving - think back to when you had your baby and the changes you experienced with your friendship circle, thoughts and way of feeling.  Heck, even how you experienced going to the grocery store changed.  It might be surprising to learn that our partners also underwent a change too.  Even if your kids are grown and gone or you are just starting a new relationship, asking questions about your partner is a great way to build what Gottman refers to as a “solid foundation” for your relationship.

This week I encourage you to ask questions about your partner's life, likes and dislikes.  Learn what is currently making them tick, take an interest in their work, ask questions, ask about their experiences during the day.

You can start building a Love Map by asking your partner questions such as “What’s my favorite place to eat lunch?” or ask your partner questions like “Where do you like to go out for lunch when you’re at work?”  Here are some additional questions to get you started on building your Love Map.

If you could take a vacation anywhere, where would you go?

What is your favorite vacation we took and why?

What’s your favorite restaurant?

What’s your most embarrassing moment?

What’s the best book you’ve read in the past year?

What is your proudest moment?

As your partner shares listen without judgement, ask questions, be curious and have fun.

Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Vacaville, Pollock Pines and Sacramento.  Providing online counseling for women and couples - serving all areas of California.

Attachment Styles and What that Means for Your Relationship

How your parents raised you might have to do with why you are fighting so much with your partner

What is attachment?  The way our parents and caregivers treat us when we are babies, children, and teens informs our attachment style.  When we are infants and children we are dependent on our caregivers for basic needs and the way they treat us (lovingly, dismissively, overly engaged, etc.) affects the way we are able to attach to others when we are adults.  Attachment is the emotional bond we form with others.

Your attachment pattern can affect the way you relate to your partner.

There are four main types of attachment styles.

Secure Attachment:  In a relationship these are the people that are comfortable with themselves, comfortable with their feelings, and comfortable asking for what they need and want.  They have clear boundaries, aren’t afraid to express their feelings to their partners, and easily show vulnerability to their partners.

Avoidant Attachment:  In a relationship these are the people that tend to guard their thoughts and emotions.  They don’t easily share what they are feeling or thinking and they try and solve personal issues on their own.  When a problem comes up in a relationship or if they perceive themselves as being rejected by their partner, avoidant attachment people will tend to run for the door.  It is extremely difficult for people with this attachment style to express their feelings. When asked or pressured to share their feelings they might even have a difficult time identifying the feeling they are having.  

Anxious Attachment:  In a relationship a person who has anxious attachment will seek high levels of intimacy and attachment but then will worry that their partner doesn’t want to be with them.  When a problem comes up in the relationship or if the feel that they are being rejected by their partner they may aggressively demand reassurance, use blame tactics, or become emotionally dysregulated (bursts of anger, threatening to leave, and other forms of emotional manipulation) in an effort to engage and re-attach with their partner.  

Fearful Avoidant Attachment:  This attachment style frequently occurs (but not always) when a person has experienced trauma in their life.  They have learned that it is dangerous to get close to people (both physically and psychologically dangerous).  In a relationship these people tend to swing from one extreme to the other, desire a close and intimate relationship and then when becoming fearful they push away from their partner.  It is difficult for people with this attachment style to trust and as such they don’t feel comfortable with their feelings or with being vulnerable.

Your attachment style and your partner’s attachment style can have a big impact on the way the two of you connect.  For example when in a fight the avoidant person may withdraw emotionally from the argument while the anxious person may try to overly attach to their partner.  When the anxious person doesn’t get the reassurance they are looking for they may in turn become angry, escalating the conflict. No one way is right or wrong, each person in the relationship is seeking their own way to resolve the fight and get their needs met when experiencing heightened emotions.  Because these two styles don’t match up it may result in making the problem worse for the couple.

Being aware of your own attachment style and your partner’s attachment style can help you to better understand your partner’s needs, see the issue or argument in a different light, and foster a greater sense of empathy for each other.

Were you able to find your attachment style in this list?  How about your partners?

Exciting Updates

Things are changing around here!  

I'm sorry I have been a little bad about being consistent with my blogging lately.  Next week I will return to posting regularly on Wednesday mornings.  In the meantime I have been contributing to online blogs, you probably read the one from last week that I posted "Tips for Talking to Your Therapist" and this week I have another great one for you to read.  This article is all about being vulnerable in your relationship, such a hard thing to do!  It's from the Bustle website and features tips from many different therapist's and some comments from yours truly.  Here is a link to the article if you are interested What To Do If You're Having a Hard Time Being Vulnerable In a Relationship also on Bustle 13 Small Changes You Can Make this Weekend to Reduce Your Anxiety.

As for what's new around here, I'm now offering online therapy to clients.  I know how busy life can get, especially for parents and working women trying to have it all.  I respect that you have a hustle and need to get shit done.  The great thing about online therapy is the flexibility it allows with scheduling.  Lunch hour sessions, no problem.  Sessions before you go to work, girl, I'm an early riser and can get online for a 7 am session if that works for you.  I also reserve a limited number of evening spots for my online peeps.  Send me an email if you want to schedule a session and try it out - Gwendolyn@GwendolynNelsonTerry.com

The other thing that's new around here is that I now accept Cigna health insurance and I hope to be able to start taking MHN and Tricare insurance soon.  Check back for updates if you are wanting to use your MHN or Tricare insurance.

By the way - Most Cigna plans will cover online therapy sessions.

That's it for me today.  I hope you all are having a wonderful week and I hope everyone has an amazing weekend.  Next week, blogs will start being posted on Wednesday mornings again.

Interested in giving online therapy a try or ready to schedule a session to meet in my office?  Call today to schedule your session and get started on the path to feeling better (619)383-1900.