When things aren’t working in a relationship it is easy to see how the other person has hurt us. Our focused is turned outward, noticing all the ways in which our partner’s haven’t shown up for us, haven’t expressed care, have let us down or been difficult or started fights with us. It’s easy to see how the other person is doing all the wrong things. We can start to have thoughts like “If only they would stop being so sensitive”, “If only they could focus on my emotions more”, “They don’t care for me, they can’t even sit and listen to my emotions”. The narrative and pain is all abut the other person.
Read more3 Types of Conflict Attitudes
In my work as a marriage and family therapist I’ve found that there are 3 distinct types of conflict attitudes. There is the conflict comfortable (aka conflict neutral), conflict avoidant, and people who seem to seek out and relish conflict.
Read moreValentine's Day Every Day: A Blog Post On Building Gratitude In Your Relationship
One thing that Covid has made abundantly clear is that we don’t know what the next moment holds, we can’t take things or people for granted and that their are many, many unknowns out there. Knowing how precious each moment is, knowing how important our relationships are, every day we should should be striving for gratitude in those relationships; mom, sister, partner, friends, daughters, sons, all relationships.
Read moreWhy Your Conversations Turn Into Fights
Ever say something normal to your partner like, “hey, the kitchen is super messy”, only to have it turn into a full blown fight? Or have you ever had your partner say something to you like “Star Trek is better than Star Wars” and find yourself in a 3 day argument?
Seemingly normal conversations with our partners can easily turn into huge fights when our triggers are left unchecked.
What is a trigger? Great question, I’m glad you asked. A trigger is a topic, story, gesture, face, movement
Read moreIt Doesn't Matter Who Is "Right", What Matters Is How You Listen To Each Other
It’s not uncommon for a couple to find their way into my office in the midst of an argument, each person wanting to declare to me why they are “right” and why I should tell their partner they are “wrong”. Couples are often surprised to hear me say in response, “It doesn’t matter who is right or wrong. You don’t need to agree or disagree with one another, you just need to listen.” So unsatisfying, am I right?
Read moreCan I Do Marriage Counseling Without My Spouse?
In an ideal world your spouse would be on board with working on your marriage. However, there are many reasons why your spouse or partner may be choosing to say “no” to marriage counseling. Most people have heard horror stories from friends or co-workers who report that each week they and their spouse would go into marriage counseling only to start a fight, have the therapist sit and observe, only to leave and continue the fight in the car on the way home. These stories can create fear that the issues between you and your partner can grow bigger if you go to therapy.
Read moreDoes Online Counseling Really Work?
Does online counseling really work?
This is one of the most common questions I get. Online counseling absolutely does work and often times can be even more effective than doing in office counseling.
Read moreThe Importance of Stating a Positive Need
Picture this: You walk in the door after a long day. You’re tired, you need to feed the kids, you just can’t wait to slip on your sweats and relax in front of the TV. As you walk down the hallway you notice dirty socks on the ground, you go into the kitchen and once again your partner has left his breakfast dishes on the counter, you go into the front room and find your partner sitting on the couch watching TV and they look up from the TV and say “Hey babe, what’s for dinner?”.
Read moreA Simple Tool That Will Make a Huge Impact In Your Next Relationship Conflict
Most couples when they come to see me talk about their arguing, they just can’t seem to get beyond it, they don’t feel heard, and they feel like their partner just doesn’t get them. They keep having the same fights, talking about the same issues and getting no where. Often, by the time they make an appointment to see me one or both par
Read moreHow to Handle it When You or Your Partner Shuts Down During a Fight
John Gottman calls it Diffuse Physiological Arousal that state that a person goes into when they have started to emotionally flood and they are starting to shut down emotionally and physically. During Diffuse Physiological Arousal we might experience a racing heart, we might feel tense, we might go into what feels like fight, flight or freeze.
Read moreWhat to Do When You've Said Something Wrong During an Argument With Your Partner
There are a couple of types of ways that you can give a repair to your partner after you’ve said something you regret or when you see that you words have escalated the fight.
Read moreHow to find the right couples therapist
Finding a couples therapist that matches your needs takes a bit of work. First, if you were hoping to use your insurance for couples therapy, most insurance plans will not cover a couples therapy session. This is because in order to use your insurance the service has to be medically necessary. Insurance does not view your relationship as a medically necessary issue to cover. For this reason alone I suggest that people do not call their insurance companies for a list of referrals to therapists.
Read moreWhat To Expect During The First Couple Of Sessions (Couples Therapy)
It’s been months of non stop fighting and the two of you have agreed it’s time to go to counseling. You feel anxious, unsure what to expect, hopeful that this helps. It feels like so much is riding on this. You hope you choose a good therapist, you hope the therapist can help you explain your side, you hope they can help the two of you start talking again.
Read moreGottman or EFT? Which one will save my marriage?
We’ve all heard those nightmare stories from our friends about those couples who went and the therapist only made it worse.
The reality is that going to couples therapy does bring up unresolved issues. It does sometimes mean that things get worse before they get better. That’s why finding a trained couples therapist is so important.
Read moreNegative Sentiment Override - A Major Block To You Having A Fulfilling Relationship
When all you ever seem to do is fight with your partner it’s hard to want to go home and spend time with them. Finding extra things to do at work, or going out for happy hour with your friends seems like a reasonable excuse to avoid what has become a very tiresome pattern in your relationship.
Read moreAttachment Styles - Why Yours May Be Causing Conflict In Your Relationship
You and your partner have a pattern, it may look like this: You are feeling restless, you think it’s because of your relationship. You start to wonder what is wrong in your relationship. You question if your partner is cheating on you, if they’ve fallen out of love with you, if they are no longer interested in you sexually. You start to question if you’ve gained weight, if you are boring.
Read more3 Ways Therapy Can Help Your Relationship
Each couple brings in a unique set of challenges and experiences that dictate their needs in couples therapy. Your therapist can discuss with you what your needs are and can help you and your partner create goals for couples therapy. Along with those goals that you create with your therapist there are some benefits that just go along with doing couples therapy.
Read moreYour Relationship After Baby
Even the best of couples can feel off in their relationship after a baby arrives. Exhaustion has set in, routines have changed, and you are in the midst of renegotiating household responsibilities. As the kids get older it can continue to feel as if you and your partner are no longer spending time
Read moreAttachment Styles and What that Means for Your Relationship
Your attachment style and your partner’s attachment style can have a big impact on the way the two of you connect. For example when in a fight the avoidant person may withdraw emotionally from the argument while the anxious
Read moreExciting Updates
I'm sorry I have been a little bad about being consistent with my blogging lately. Next week I will return to posting regularly on Wednesday mornings. In the meantime I have been contributing to online blogs, you probably read the one from last week that I posted "Tips for Talking to Your Therapist" and this week I have another great one for you to read. This article is all about being vulnerable in your relationship, such a hard thing to do! It's from the Bustle website and features tips from many different therapist's and some comments from yours truly. Here is a link to the article if you are interested What To Do If You're Having a Hard Time Being Vulnerable In a Relationship also on Bustle 13 Small Changes You Can Make this Weekend to Reduce Your Anxiety.
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