An Assignment

I work primarily with women in my practice.  Some are moms, some are working professionals, some are college students, some are all three at the same time.  No matter who this woman is, where she comes from, or why she is doing therapy with me there is always one thing that these women have in common, all of these women feel the need to justify taking care of themselves.  I’m not talking about basic care like take a shower and do your laundry kind of care. I’m talking about taking care of basic things like sleep, alone time, exercise, saying no to that extra assignment at work, taking a lunch break.  I meet with woman after woman who expresses “I just don’t have enough time”, “I eat at my desk”, “I can’t remember the last time I just sat outside and enjoyed the sun on my face”. I can’t help but wonder, why is it so hard for us, as women, to take care of ourselves.  Not only is it hard for us, we feel like we have to justify it when we do with statements like “I didn’t have breakfast, that’s why I had to have lunch”.

Because I care about you and because I want for you to feel that you have the excuse and permission to take care of yourself I am giving you an assignment.  Here is your assignment:

Find a quiet spot where you feel comfortable to close your eyes for just a breath or two.  Take a deep breath in, release that breath. Keep your eyes shut while you place your hand on your tummy.  Breathe in again and notice your hand rise and fall as you breath in and release your air. Now I want for you to ask yourself; what do I really need?  What is my body, my mind craving? Now without judgement, do whatever it is that came to mind. Don’t give yourself time to overanalyze, don’t think about it, just do it.  Maybe what came up for you is that you want some alone time with your partner. Maybe you need some sleep. Maybe you need some relaxation. Below are some ideas of ways to take care of yourself.

• Bubble Bath

• Massage - Maybe take turns with your partner, giving and receiving massages

• Alone Time - Ask your partner to take the kids out of the house for a few hours

• Sleep

• Manicure/Pedicure

• Chocolate - Don’t go cheap on yourself, treat yourself to your favorite chocolate or dessert

• Buy Yourself Flowers and Make an Incredible Arrangement

• Join that exercise class you’ve been wanting to check out

• Ask a friend to pick your kids up from school for the day

• Go to the movies

• Take a lunch break

• Say no to that extra assignment at work

If you are feeling guilty about taking time for yourself you can strike a deal with your partner to reciprocate and provide him with a chance to spend some time doing what he loves.

Morning Routines - Tips for Busy Moms

This week I thought we’d focus on morning routines.  Morning routines can look a little less sexy than evening routines.  Having kids often means we wake up and are in go mode until the kids get to school.  Finding shoes, finishing homework, making sure everyone has their lunch, ate breakfast, and is clear on who goes to what activity after school can be a bit of a juggling act.  

So what can you do to make mornings a little less daunting?   

Plan ahead.  Lunches can be made the evening before or you can even make lunches on Sunday to last the whole week.  Struggling to get the lunches made; get the kids to help or set your child up for school lunches.  No need to feel guilt or shame, school lunches may have improved since you were a kid AND your child having hot lunch is not a statement of the kind of mom you are.  If taking the chore of making lunch off your list allows you to spend more stress free time with your children then go for it.  Positive time spent with your child will have a greater impact on their happiness and well being than compared to packing a nutritionally sound lunch.

Plan ahead.  Create a chart, tack up some poster board, get a white board and write out the after school plans and activities for the week.  This will help you to remember who goes where and when, give your children some accountability and responsibility, and help your partner to feel more connected and part of the activity.  Who knows, your partner may even see something on the schedule and offer to help out.  

Got a needy love bug in the morning?  Take a moment to check in with your child.  Sometimes nighttime can feel lonely and it can be a challenge for young children to get through the night.  Checking in with little ones and giving a morning snuggle can help to set the right mood and tone for the morning.

Get up earlier.  You’re probably thinking I’m crazy for even suggesting this but if you get up at least 10 minutes earlier you are giving yourself a cushion to deal with problems that may come up such as lost shoes.  If you are feeling really ambitious you can get up 30-45 minutes early and squeeze in some quiet time for yourself.  Taking 15 minutes to drink a cup of coffee before you wake up your family can make a world of difference in your day.

Set an intention for the day before you get out of bed.  Think of what you want to focus on, what’s really important.  Maybe choose one or two feeling words that you want to guide you through the day such as calm and accomplished.  When stressful situations come up or when you find yourself feeling worn out you can go back to the intention you set for the day and make decisions focused on how you want to feel and be.  

Making small changes daily can make a huge impact over time.  Think about one thing you might like to change about your morning routine.  Maybe it's fitting in 10 minutes for yourself before the kids get up or maybe it's packing lunches before bed.  Allow for the fact that change is not immediate and takes practice and patience.  If you fail at implementing one of the strategies listed above or it doesn’t have the impact you hoped for, no worries.  There's always tomorrow to try something new.

Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT - Providing online counseling for women.  Located in Vacaville, California - serving all areas of California.

2 Online Resources for Self Care

Need a moment to yourself or a way to unwind?  Here are 2 of my favorite online resources that have helped me to fit in a little bit of self care when life is feeling a little crazy.

1. Yoga with Adriene -  I am a huge YWA fan and Find What Feels Good (FWFG) fan.  Adriene runs a subscription based website called Find What Feels Good and for $9.99 a month you get access to all her videos.  Before you sign up for the subscription service be sure to check out her Youtube channel where she releases one free yoga video a week.  If you are someone who has tried yoga in the past and have been unable to get beyond the sometimes pretentious vibe of yoga then check out Adriene.  Adriene has a down to earth style, great sense of humor and is body inclusive and affirming.  Here's a like to the YWA Youtube channel: https://www.youtube.com/user/yogawithadriene and a link to her subscription based website:  https://yogawithadriene.vhx.tv/

2. Breathe with Calm - Feeling a little keyed up and anxious?  Just got some bad news and want to scream and cry but you got to go pick up the kids (Hey, no judgement, I’ve been there), take a moment and breathe.  Breathe with Calm is a website that guides you through a breathing exercise with written instructions and a visual.  https://www.calm.com/breathe

If you have 30 minutes this week, log onto the Yoga with Adriene Youtube channel and give one of her sessions a try.  If you find yourself short on time or having periods of high anxiety and stress this week, give the Calm website a try.

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Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist located in the Hillcrest neighborhood of San Diego.