Morning Routines - Tips for Busy Moms

This week I thought we’d focus on morning routines.  Morning routines can look a little less sexy than evening routines.  Having kids often means we wake up and are in go mode until the kids get to school.  Finding shoes, finishing homework, making sure everyone has their lunch, ate breakfast, and is clear on who goes to what activity after school can be a bit of a juggling act.  

So what can you do to make mornings a little less daunting?   

Plan ahead.  Lunches can be made the evening before or you can even make lunches on Sunday to last the whole week.  Struggling to get the lunches made; get the kids to help or set your child up for school lunches.  No need to feel guilt or shame, school lunches may have improved since you were a kid AND your child having hot lunch is not a statement of the kind of mom you are.  If taking the chore of making lunch off your list allows you to spend more stress free time with your children then go for it.  Positive time spent with your child will have a greater impact on their happiness and well being than compared to packing a nutritionally sound lunch.

Plan ahead.  Create a chart, tack up some poster board, get a white board and write out the after school plans and activities for the week.  This will help you to remember who goes where and when, give your children some accountability and responsibility, and help your partner to feel more connected and part of the activity.  Who knows, your partner may even see something on the schedule and offer to help out.  

Got a needy love bug in the morning?  Take a moment to check in with your child.  Sometimes nighttime can feel lonely and it can be a challenge for young children to get through the night.  Checking in with little ones and giving a morning snuggle can help to set the right mood and tone for the morning.

Get up earlier.  You’re probably thinking I’m crazy for even suggesting this but if you get up at least 10 minutes earlier you are giving yourself a cushion to deal with problems that may come up such as lost shoes.  If you are feeling really ambitious you can get up 30-45 minutes early and squeeze in some quiet time for yourself.  Taking 15 minutes to drink a cup of coffee before you wake up your family can make a world of difference in your day.

Set an intention for the day before you get out of bed.  Think of what you want to focus on, what’s really important.  Maybe choose one or two feeling words that you want to guide you through the day such as calm and accomplished.  When stressful situations come up or when you find yourself feeling worn out you can go back to the intention you set for the day and make decisions focused on how you want to feel and be.  

Making small changes daily can make a huge impact over time.  Think about one thing you might like to change about your morning routine.  Maybe it's fitting in 10 minutes for yourself before the kids get up or maybe it's packing lunches before bed.  Allow for the fact that change is not immediate and takes practice and patience.  If you fail at implementing one of the strategies listed above or it doesn’t have the impact you hoped for, no worries.  There's always tomorrow to try something new.

Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT - Providing online counseling for women.  Located in Vacaville, California - serving all areas of California.

5 Affirmations for When You Feel Like a Bad Mom

Any woman who has ever been a mom knows intimately that deep guilt that creeps in every once in awhile.  Mom guilt, that sneaky asshole can hit at any time for any reason. When at work we can be overcome with guilt for not being at home, when at home we feel guilt for thinking about work, when we are with our partners we feel selfish for being away from the kids.  A lot of times the things we feel most guilty for are the things we most need, the things that make us whole, functioning, normal, human beings. But even though we can logically talk ourselves through our guilt, it doesn’t always help. Below are 5 affirmations for you use when you feel like a bad mom.  The reason to use affirmations is that it is one way to support building stronger, healthy neural connections that help fight off that awful feeling of mom guilt. Take a look at the following affirmations and see if any stand out to you.

1. I am a fierce, bad ass, motherfucking mom.  No one cares for my kids the way I care for my kids.

2. I am allowed to go out with my (friends, partner, to book club, etc).  It makes me a happy and better mom.

3. A good enough mom is pretty damn good.

4. I love my kids and they love their mom.

5. I am the perfect mom for my child.

Pick one affirmation that speaks to you.  Say it to yourself when you are feeling anxious, say it when you are feeling stressed, say it to yourself when you are feeling calm, in control and like the perfect mom.  Using affirmations can help us to rewire our brain, build stronger neural connections that help to fight off uncomfortable feelings like mom guilt, and to focus on thoughts and feelings that improve our moods and feelings.

If you struggle with mom guilt and would like more support, contact Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in San Diego, California at (619) 383-1900.

3 Signs you might be an anxious mom

As moms we are prone to worrying about our babies, that’s part of the job.  Are they doing well in school? Are they happy? Do they have friends? Are they being safe when the go out?  Worrying about your child is normal but there is a point where the worrying can become too much.

So how do you know when you’ve crossed the line from normal, everyday mom worry to being an anxious mom?  Here are 3 signs that you might be a mom who has anxiety.

1. You worry an abnormal amount about your own death and who will take care of your children if/when you die.  Granted we can’t control what happens to us and if we are going to die but if you find yourself overly fixated on it, convinced that at some point you are going to orphan your children, this might be a sign of anxiety.

2. You won’t let anyone, not even your partner, help with the kids.  This can be anything from helping to make the school lunches, picking the kids up after school, buying the new soccer cleats, teaching them to drive.  Letting someone else helps means that you won’t get to oversee it and make sure whatever it is, isn’t done properly. If things are not done “right” then the question comes up for you “What does this mean for my child?”, “Am I a bad parent?”, “Are people going to think I’m a bad mom?”  

3. Saying goodbye is more distressing for you then it is for your child.  No matter what age they are, you worry when they leave the house or when you drop them off at school.  You struggle with scary thoughts or images about their safety and you call the cell phone or text them frequently to check in on them.

If any of this sounds familiar, you may be an anxious mom.  

To find out more about therapy and to learn more about how therapy may help you with anxiety, check my therapy page for moms or my FAQ page.

Being a parent does mean that you have to struggle with anxiety and worry.  When you are ready, call me at (619) 383-1900 to schedule your appointment.

What is Self Care?

Often, by the time a mom comes into my office they are burnt out.  They say things like “I don’t know what’s wrong with me” as they sob on the couch and describe to me a feeling of being deeply tired, stressed, overworked, and feeling like a failure in every area of their life.

It’s not that these women don’t love being moms.  In fact the extreme opposite is often the case. They love being a mom so much, they forget about everything else in their life, and one day they wake up and they have nothing left to give.  It’s at this point, where they feel they have nothing left to give, that they wander into my office.

I work with women to help them to start taking care of themselves in a way that still allows them to take care of their families.  The word self care gets thrown around a lot and is usually coupled with bubble baths, wine, and scented candles but that kind of self care is not realistic for the busy mom so I work with my client’s on simplifying self care.  Self care simplified means making sure the basics are covered. Am I well rested? Am I hydrated? Am I hungry? Self care is asking yourself “What do I need right now?” Sometimes the answer will be “A bubble bath, some wine, and to light one of my nice scented candles”.  Sometimes the answer will be surprisingly simple, like, “I need to go to the bathroom” or “I need to drink some water”.

You see, when you’re a busy mom you are so trained to tune into what’s going on with your family that sometimes you forget to tune into what’s going on with you.

Your assignment this week, if you choose to accept it, is to set a reminder on your phone.  When the reminder goes off, I want you to take a moment to breathe in deep 2-3 times and to ask yourself “what do I need right now”.  Whatever comes up is OK. You don’t have to act on whatever comes up for you, you don’t have to do anything. Step one is to just acknowledge what your need is.

Want more individualized support?  I have a couple of openings in my San Diego practice right now.  To schedule an appointment call (619) 383-1900.