Why We Stay Stuck & How to Get Unstuck

“Change involves a surprising amount of loss, the familiar” - Lori Gottlieb

How is fear of change keeping you from moving forward in your life? How is it keeping you from creating the life you want? How is fear of change keeping you from achieving life goals? How is it holding you back from happiness?

A client I worked with a number of years back used to talk about changing jobs, sharing a desire to try a new field. Having worked in a mostly business environment their desire for a creative outlet was intense. They wanted to explore careers in the beauty industry, music, and teaching. However when it came time for us to talk about what was holding them back, why they weren’t able to try and take steps towards this change, they would often respond with “what if I hate it?”. A valid and reasonable concern. When we would talk about ways to answer that question, to try things out, to explore possibilities, they would come back week after week saying that they hadn’t done their therapy homework, hadn’t done the research, hadn’t looked at any possible jobs. The fear of change was so strong in them that they couldn’t even allow themselves to dream, or to even gather information about what was possible.

The reality was that for this client, changing jobs was a risk. When we pulled back the layers to look at what was holding them back they were able to see that they were afraid of getting into the new job and hating it, being bad at the new job, having to learn a new job to do, meeting new colleagues (what if I don’t like them or they’re annoying), the new commute, and much more. Rather than seeing the possibility with change, they saw all the changes that they would be making and immediately saw them as problems. With the “what if” game it often goes to worst case scenario. We can switch that thought around though and see possibilities. What if this client changed jobs and loved it, what if she was great at it and found her calling? What if the commute was shorter and allowed her more free time to pursue her passions? What if she found a new best friend in one of her colleagues?

My question to you - what is the familiar to you? What is it that you are trying to hold on to? Is the risk greater to stick with what you know, or try something new?

Not sure how you feel about the change you are looking at? Try this - write down the story you are currently telling yourself about change or lack there of. What do you notice about that story? Is there another way you can tell that story?

Are you facing a big change? Not sure how to navigate it or having some big feelings about the change? I, Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Berkeley California, often help people navigate the challenges that come with change. Some of the ways we might support you in navigating change are to first create more awareness around the habits or life circumstance you’d like to change. We might explore some of the patterns that you feel stuck in and help you identify the ways in which your choices may be keeping you stuck in feeling unhappy. Along with exploring choices, therapy can help you to better understand your values, your emotions, and what it is you really want. With clarity, an understanding of emotions, and with a better understanding of yourself, you can start to feel more confident, feel better about yourself. Call today to learn more about how therapy might help you to start feeling better.

Taking in the Good

Taking in the good means to pause and sit with a positive emotion for as long as you can. When you pause to take in the good you are letting your brain really soak up all that goodness and you are helping your brain to rewire itself to start taking in more good.

To take in the good we need to be mindful of our thoughts, feelings, and the ways that our brain and body communicate our emotions to us. If you are a busy person, this skill might not come so easily for you. To start getting into the habit of noticing your thoughts and feelings you can practice doing what’s called a body scan. To do a body scan you would close your eyes, or if you aren’t comfortable closing your eyes try sitting and focusing on your feet, the floor or a neutral object in front of you. Take a few deep breaths and try and tune into your body. Starting at the top of your head and moving down to your toes notice what is happening inside your body. Are you noticing any tension in your forehead, neck or shoulders? Is your heart racing? How does your gut feel? Notice without judgement they ways that your body is communicating to you. After you’ve done your body scan take one more minute and ask yourself “what am I thinking?”, “what am I feeling”. Notice what comes up for you. Don’t judge what comes up, just notice. You may want to record what you notice in a journal to refer back to. Over time and with practice you’ll start to understand your emotions with greater clarity and you will notice those moments where you should stop and take in the good.

Need more support tuning into your emotions or with rewiring your brain to notice the good? Therapy is a great place to start learning about your emotions and yourself. In my practice, Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT I help clients to use the information that they gather from their body and brain to start making sense of their emotions, start rewiring their brain so that they experience less anxiety and less depression, and I help client’s to learn skills that they can use right away to start experiencing less anxiety and depression.

Call or email today and schedule a free 20 minute phone consultation to find out how therapy can help you to start feeling better. (619)383-1900 or gwendolyn@gwendolynnelsonterry.com

Feelings: Good or Bad?

You may have noticed throughout my blog and website that I refer to feelings as uncomfortable and comfortable.  That’s because we therapists believe that feelings are neither good or bad, they just are. An uncomfortable feeling might be sadness, anger or anxiety.  A comfortable feeling might be joy or happiness. Noticing the ways that feelings show up in your body can help you decipher if they are comfortable or uncomfortable.

Frequently when a person experiences many uncomfortable feelings they start to develop defenses to those feelings or they start to look for ways to numb those feelings.  Some common defenses to feelings are; overworking, drinking, avoiding, and sometimes even anxiety can be a defense.

Learning to work through our defenses and to experience the core emotions below our feelings is a key step in being able to work through uncomfortable feelings and in being able to let them go.  Finding a way to access your feelings and to sit with those uncomfortable feelings is important.

This week, as your homework, think about some of the defenses that you might have developed over time that keep you from being able to experience your core emotions.

5 Affirmations For Anxiety

We’ve been talking a lot about anxiety on the blog the past couple of weeks.  Hopefully you’ve had a chance to try some of the strategies I’ve shared and have found at least one new skill to help you calm your anxiety.  If not, that’s ok. In therapy we do a lot of work finding the “right” strategies for your specific need. This means that sometimes clients have to try a lot of different things before they find something that helps.  

Today I’m sharing with you 5 affirmations for you to say to yourself when you are feeling anxious.  Affirmations are a great way to disrupt an uncontrollable thought pattern or to disrupt a thought that is on a loop.  Affirmations can also help you start to rewire the brain so that you experience more calm throughout your day. Once the brain recognizes the affirmation as a calming statement (takes time and lots of practice), saying your affirmation one time can bring a feeling of instant calm.

When using any of these affirmations, choose just one to work with.  Say it over and over to yourself until you have it memorized. Practice saying the affirmation as you walk, from your car to your office, from your desk to lunch, around the house.  Put the affirmation on a piece of paper and place the paper in your wallet or tape it in a place you will see it throughout the day. When you feel anxious, close your eyes (if you feel comfortable and are in a safe place to do so), focus on your breath and say the affirmation over and over to yourself.  

Remember, pick just one affirmation to work with for a couple of days.    

1. I am calm, I am safe.

2. I am doing the best that I can.

3. I trust that everything will be OK.

4. I feel calm, I feel in control, I am OK.

5. I am safe, I am OK.

If none of these affirmations resonate with you, make your own.  Choose a statement that helps to calm your specific anxiety trigger or worry.  Make sure it is short and easy to remember.

One final note on affirmations.  When you start saying/using your affirmations you might feel like it feels fake.  That’s OK. Keep working with the affirmation. What you are doing when using an affirmation is working to rewire your brain for calm.  It may feel uncomfortable or not true at first. That’s to be expected.

If you would like personalized support with your anxiety, I am happy to help.  I have some available appointment times both in office or online. When you are ready to get started, call 619-383-1900 to schedule your appointment.

Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist located in San Diego, California.

How to Stop Feeling Anxious - 3 Quick Strategies to Try When You are Over Taken by Anxiety

When you’re in the middle of anxiety it can be hard to know what to do to help yourself gain control and to calm the anxiety.  Here are 3 quick strategies to try that may help you when you are feeling anxious.

1. Breath - Take a moment and tune into your breath.  Notice if you are holding your breath or taking shallow breaths.  Breath in for a slow count of 4, filling up your lungs, belly and chest with air.  Hold that breath for a slow count of 6. Slowly release that breath for a slow count of 8.  Don’t worry if you can’t release the breath for that slow count of 8, work up to it. Repeat the process at least 3 times in a row.

2. Ground - In a seated position put your feet on the ground, gently press you feet into the ground, noticing all the areas where your feet and the floor meet.  Take a moment to feel your leg muscles and notice how they contract as you root to the ground. Close your eyes if this helps you to focus. Aim to sit with feet grounded and gently pushing to the floor for 3 minutes.

3. Muscle tension - put your palms together and push your hands together.  Notice your muscles tensing in your arms and chest. Push for 15 - 20 seconds then release.  Repeat at least 3 times.

Choose one strategy to work on this week and practice it at least 5 times a day when you are not feeling anxious.  You don’t have to practice it 5 times in a row, 5 times throughout the day should do the trick. Practicing when you are not anxious will help you to remember to use the skill when you are experiencing anxiety.

If you notice that you are feeling anxious more than normal and are having a hard time working through the anxiety, a therapist may be able to help.  I have seen first hand how therapy has helped my clients to gain some control over their anxiety and to help them start managing their anxiety on a daily basis.  When you're ready, I'm here to help you.  To make an appointment call (619) 383-1900 or go to www.GwendolynNelsonTerry.com to find out more information on how therapy can help you.  

5 Great Things That Happen When You Start Working On Your Anxiety

Change is hard.  Change is especially hard when you don’t feel good, when you are in an anxious state and struggling to focus and to sort out thoughts.  Making any change to feel better can feel overwhelming, that’s why I like to encourage focusing on small changes over time. The idea is that by choosing one small goal or one small change to make, this change can be sustainable.  Once that change is in place, you choose another one to make and over time all of these little changes add up to a big change in how you are feeling. Curious about what some of those changes might be? Stay tuned as I will be sharing some of those in upcoming blog posts.

When things get hard it can be easy to stop working on making changes to improve how you are feeling.  To keep focused on your goal of feeling less anxious I’ve made a list of 5 great things that can happen to you when you start to work on your anxiety.

1. You sleep better - learning sleep hygiene and how to silence those anxious thoughts and worry at bedtime are a big part of what you work on in therapy when you seek help for anxiety.  Many client’s report that once they start sleeping better they experience less anxiety. Client’s report feeling rested, better able to handle stress, better able to meet the demands of their job, improved relationships with their partner and co-workers, and they attribute a lot of those positive changes to sleeping better and learning how to manage their anxious thoughts at night time.

2. You get more done because you can actually focus on what’s in front of you.  People who struggle with anxiety are often thinking about what might happen in the future.  They are consumed with thoughts of “what if I can’t pick the kids up on time”, “what if I get fired”, “I gave Jenny and mean look when we were walking in, what if she says something to me later about it”.  Or they’re living in the past, thinking thoughts like “I’m a bad mom. I can’t believe I snapped at the kids this morning before I left”. These thoughts make it hard to focus on completing the task in front of you, whatever it may be.

3. You start to learn to identify the things that are within your control and you start learning how to let go of the stuff that’s out of your control.  This is another thing you learn in therapy. Your therapist will help you to see how you are worrying about and taking responsibility for things that are either not in your control or are not yours to take responsibility for.  You learn how to catch yourself worrying about those things and you start using coping skills to accept what you can’t control. Overtime you begin to start letting go of things that are not in your control. The other benefit of this skill is that you start to focus your energy on the things you can control.  You start to identify solutions and create plans that actually start to help move you towards your goal of feeling better.

4. You start to take better care of yourself.  You learn skills to cope with anxiety, you start to practice things like yoga and meditation, and you realize that these things actually care for you in more ways than one.  You start to gain real experience with self care and realize that true self care is more than a fancy bubble bath every once in awhile.

5. You spend more time with friends and you enjoy that time because you are present, not worried, and you have given yourself permission to be with your friends.  You stop worrying about the kids being home with their dad, you stop worrying about making lunches and if your partner will make the right lunch for the kids, you stop thinking about what a good mom is and isn’t and you start to become yourself, the woman and mom who is actually perfect just the way she is.

Remember, change doesn’t happen overnight.  It takes consistent effort, practice, and patience with yourself as you learn how to handle your anxiety in new ways.  

If you notice that you are struggling with anxiety or are feeling higher levels of stress than are normal, talk to a therapist.  You can learn to manage anxiety and you can learn skills to help you work through anxiety when it does come up.

If you are struggling with anxiety, I would love to help you.  I am located on the border of Hillcrest and University Heights, down the street from the Sprouts Market and have a couple of openings for new client’s.  Contact me today for a free 15 minute phone consultation or to schedule an appointment. I look forward to talking with you.

Exciting Updates

Things are changing around here!  

I'm sorry I have been a little bad about being consistent with my blogging lately.  Next week I will return to posting regularly on Wednesday mornings.  In the meantime I have been contributing to online blogs, you probably read the one from last week that I posted "Tips for Talking to Your Therapist" and this week I have another great one for you to read.  This article is all about being vulnerable in your relationship, such a hard thing to do!  It's from the Bustle website and features tips from many different therapist's and some comments from yours truly.  Here is a link to the article if you are interested What To Do If You're Having a Hard Time Being Vulnerable In a Relationship also on Bustle 13 Small Changes You Can Make this Weekend to Reduce Your Anxiety.

As for what's new around here, I'm now offering online therapy to clients.  I know how busy life can get, especially for parents and working women trying to have it all.  I respect that you have a hustle and need to get shit done.  The great thing about online therapy is the flexibility it allows with scheduling.  Lunch hour sessions, no problem.  Sessions before you go to work, girl, I'm an early riser and can get online for a 7 am session if that works for you.  I also reserve a limited number of evening spots for my online peeps.  Send me an email if you want to schedule a session and try it out - Gwendolyn@GwendolynNelsonTerry.com

The other thing that's new around here is that I now accept Cigna health insurance and I hope to be able to start taking MHN and Tricare insurance soon.  Check back for updates if you are wanting to use your MHN or Tricare insurance.

By the way - Most Cigna plans will cover online therapy sessions.

That's it for me today.  I hope you all are having a wonderful week and I hope everyone has an amazing weekend.  Next week, blogs will start being posted on Wednesday mornings again.

Interested in giving online therapy a try or ready to schedule a session to meet in my office?  Call today to schedule your session and get started on the path to feeling better (619)383-1900.

3 Signs you might be an anxious mom

As moms we are prone to worrying about our babies, that’s part of the job.  Are they doing well in school? Are they happy? Do they have friends? Are they being safe when the go out?  Worrying about your child is normal but there is a point where the worrying can become too much.

So how do you know when you’ve crossed the line from normal, everyday mom worry to being an anxious mom?  Here are 3 signs that you might be a mom who has anxiety.

1. You worry an abnormal amount about your own death and who will take care of your children if/when you die.  Granted we can’t control what happens to us and if we are going to die but if you find yourself overly fixated on it, convinced that at some point you are going to orphan your children, this might be a sign of anxiety.

2. You won’t let anyone, not even your partner, help with the kids.  This can be anything from helping to make the school lunches, picking the kids up after school, buying the new soccer cleats, teaching them to drive.  Letting someone else helps means that you won’t get to oversee it and make sure whatever it is, isn’t done properly. If things are not done “right” then the question comes up for you “What does this mean for my child?”, “Am I a bad parent?”, “Are people going to think I’m a bad mom?”  

3. Saying goodbye is more distressing for you then it is for your child.  No matter what age they are, you worry when they leave the house or when you drop them off at school.  You struggle with scary thoughts or images about their safety and you call the cell phone or text them frequently to check in on them.

If any of this sounds familiar, you may be an anxious mom.  

To find out more about therapy and to learn more about how therapy may help you with anxiety, check my therapy page for moms or my FAQ page.

Being a parent does mean that you have to struggle with anxiety and worry.  When you are ready, call me at (619) 383-1900 to schedule your appointment.

Drinking to cope with motherhood

I often work with women who are struggling with how to manage the stress that comes with being a mom, partner, employee, friend and much more.  Today women juggle more responsibilities and have more stress than any other generation before them. They feel pressure to be the perfect parent, bring in an income that allows for a nice house and to pay for their kids soccer and ballet lessons.  When at work they feel pressure to be home, when home they feel pressure to be the fun and sexy wife, when with their children they are worried about work. It feels that life is always moving, they are never where they “should” be, they are never doing enough and never feeling successful.  With all of this pressure it can be easy to turn to drinking as one tool to shut down the constant pressure that many women are feeling today.

It is possible for people to have a healthy relationship with alcohol and you might just be one of those people.  But for some women, drinking is becoming a normal tool to manage the stress that often comes along with raising children and trying to have a happy marriage.  Below is a short checklist of signs that you may be relying on drinking in order to manage stress.

__You drink more or for longer periods than you intended to.

__You have tried to stop drinking before but couldn’t.

__Drinking is starting to interfere with taking care of your family.

__Drinking more to get the desired effect (decreased stress, feeling relaxed, etc)

These are just a couple of signs that drinking may be becoming a problem.  

If you think you may be drinking to much try and stop for a week, see what happens and how you feel about your alcohol intake.  Notice what comes up for you during that week, was it hard? Easy? Did you enjoy more time with your kids or notice less arguing with your husband?  Or maybe you fought more with your husband and were on edge with the kids all week.

If you noticed that it was hard to give up drinking, therapy may be able to help.  Depending on your needs therapy may be able to help you manage your stress, decrease anxiety and depression, improve your relationship with your partner, family and friends, and to decrease your alcohol use.  

I would love to help you on your path towards feeling better.  To schedule an appointment call (619) 383-1900 or email gwendolyn@gwendolynnelsonterry.com

Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry is a licensed marriage and family therapist located in the Hillcrest neighborhood of San Diego, CA.

Mom Guilt

In response to my last blog on date night I got a few mom’s who shared with me that they don’t do date night because they are struggling to leave their babies and children at home.  The word that came up in many of the emails was “guilt”. Many mom’s expressed guilt for taking time away from their children to take care of their relationship. So what do you do if you want to go on a date night, know it’s important to spend time with your partner, but just can’t get past the mom guilt?

First of all I want you to know that mom guilt is normal.  If you didn’t feel guilty about date night, you would feel guilty about something else.  Society has sent the message to women for many years that in order for us to be a “good mom” we need to devote our entire life to our children and anything less than that means we’re a bad mom.  The truth is that in order to be a good mom you need to take care of yourself so that you can take care of your babies. A burnt out, screaming, tired mom is not a good mom, although we all get there some times.  To be a good mom you need to be a complete person that nurtures and cares for yourself physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally.

Now I’m going to be very honest with you.  There is no easy way to get through mom guilt.  Like I said if you didn’t feel guilty about date night, you’d feel guilty about something else.  

Steps to start shedding the mom guilt:

First, talk to your partner.  Let them know how you are feeling and tell them you’d love to spend some alone time with them.  Prepare your partner for the likelihood that you might be struggling with guilt that night and ask them to be understanding if you find you have moments where you are not totally present in the evening.  Your partner may surprise you and have a few suggestions to help you get through this feeling of guilt.

Next I want you to go on a date night or just get out of the house together, no kids.  Keep doing this weekly. Over time the guilt will become less and less intense and you will start to enjoy and look forward to your time out together.  

During the time out, away from the kids notice when the mom guilt comes up.  Acknowledge it and then challenge the thought that is coming up for you. For example if your self talk is saying “you’re a bad mom.  I can’t believe you left the baby!”, list all the ways you are a good mom. Think back to all the times you got up in the middle of the night to hold your baby as they went back to sleep, the thoughtfulness you put into feeding them dinner, the times you take them to the park or the play group, all the times you changed the diaper, fed them, kissed, them told them you loved them.  Whatever the thought, your job is to take a moment and challenge it. If you’re having a hard time with this in the moment, ask your partner for help.

Next, say a calming statement to yourself like “I’m a good mom and it’s ok to spend time with my partner” or “I’m having fun with my partner and this time out with them will make us better parents”.  Say this over and over to yourself until you notice that you are able to focus more on the date.

Repeat the steps as much as needed.

Here’s a little cheat sheet of the steps to help you remember what to do.

• Talk to your partner.  Let them know you are struggling with mom guilt.  Let them know you don’t expect them to fix your feelings and let them know the ways they can help.  

• Get out of the house without the kids.  Go for a walk, out to dinner, to a movie, or something else.  Just start doing it.

• Notice the mom guilt when it comes up.

• Name it, acknowledge it: “Hey there mom guilt.  I see you”.

• Challenge it:  “Am I really a bad mom?  I make my babies lunches every day, I drive them to dance class, I do arts and crafts with them.”  Start listing all the unique and awesome ways that you are a great mom.

• Reaffirm, choose a statement to say to yourself to help calm your thoughts:  “I’m a great mom and going out with my partner is a good thing for my kids”.

• Ask your partner for help when you need it.

• Plan to go out the following week or aim to go out twice a month.

Need some extra support with mom guilt?  I'd love to meet with you to discuss how therapy might be able to help.  Email me with any questions or to schedule an appointment:  Gwendolyn@GwendolynNelsonTerry.com

Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry is a Marriage and Family Therapist located in the Hillcrest neighborhood of San Diego.