Valentine's Day Every Day: A Blog Post On Building Gratitude In Your Relationship

I’ve never really been one for Valentine’s Day. It always struck me as odd that we would save all of our appreciations for one day out of the year. I don’t know about you but in my relationship, I want to feel like most days are like Valentine’s Day.

In my therapy practice, both with couples and individuals, I do a lot of work on setting reasonable expectations. It seems to me that the expectations are not reasonable for Valentine’s Day. It’s built up to be this amazing day, full of flowers, chocolate, an amazing date, and unfiltered words of affirmation for the entire day. Perhaps a more reasonable expectation for the day is a hug from your loved one, a sweet gesture such as you doing the dishes, them returning the gesture, then some purposeful time together (whatever that looks like for your relationship).

One thing that Covid has made abundantly clear is that we don’t know what the next moment holds, we can’t take things or people for granted and that their are many, many unknowns out there. Knowing how precious each moment is, knowing how important our relationships are, every day we should should be striving for gratitude in those relationships; mom, sister, partner, friends, daughters, sons, all relationships.

One way we can work on building up that gratitude, strengthening the muscle of not taking people for granted is through a modified gratitude practice. For the week, choose one relationship - doesn’t matter who it is. Each day, before bed think of 3 things about that person that you are grateful for. It can be an action they performed, words they said, the way they looked at you, a joke they told, a hug they gave, how they look in their PJ’s. Think of 3 things about that person that you are grateful for. Challenge yourself to come up with 3 unique things every day for one week. Sometimes the gratitude with repeat itself, try not to get hung up on that. At the end of the week, share that list with your partner or whom ever you chose for this practice.

How did it feel to focus on why you are grateful for that person?

How did they respond when you shared your list?

Did you notice any changes in the relationship since starting this gratitude practice?

Have you noticed any changes in yourself?

While not a Gottman strategy, it does touch upon a Gottman skill and a level of the Sound Relationship House. By focusing on your gratitude, carving out moments to be purposefully grateful, you are strengthening the level of the House called fondness and admiration. You are also working on undoing any negative sentiment override you and your relationship might be experiencing. Negative sentiment override is when we have too many negative experiences in our relationship, our brain starts to get wired to see and notice only the negative. By focusing on the good, our eyes open more to the positives in our relationship.

Every day can be Valentine’s Day when you are working on being more present, mindful, attuned to the relationship, and grateful for what your partner (or any loved one) brings to your life.

5 Links for Date Night Ideas

Date nights are one of the most fun ways I know of to help keep a relationship strong.  If it’s been awhile since you’ve had date night, this might spark some ideas for you and get you motivated to book the sitter so that you and your partner can remember what it feels like to spend some quality time alone.

I love this date night idea and with a little bit of pre-planning it’s a fun and inexpensive day out.

https://www.thedatingdivas.com/library-date-night-idea/

Not into the library idea?  Check out the list of date ideas on the Dating Divas website, they have a ton of great ideas for date nights.

https://www.thedatingdivas.com/tag/date-ideas/

Locals only.  Here is a list of fun date night ideas in San Diego.  On my list of things to try with my husband include the make your own chocolate date night. https://www.thrillist.com/entertainment/san-diego/best-san-diego-date-ideas

Can’t get a sitter or date night not in your budget?  No worries. Here is a list of at home date nights. https://www.artofmanliness.com/2016/02/10/18-at-home-date-ideas/

If you’re not a planner and need some ideas that are simpler to pull off then this is your list.  Here are 6 super simple at home date night ideas. http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/relationships/advice/g1598/indoor-date-night-ideas/

Hopefully you found at least one idea on these lists that you’re excited to try.  Your next step is to pick a date and let your partner know to block that time off on their calendar just for you. 

Have fun! 

I'd love to hear from you.  Email me if you have any questions or comments at gwendolyn@gwendolynnelsonterry.com or give me a call at (619) 383-1900.

Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry is a Marriage and Family Therapist located in the Hillcrest neighborhood of San Diego.