A Fun, Quick Exercise For Couples To Help You Show Each Other Love

When a couple starts counseling they often are in a state of Negative Sentiment Override. If you aren’t familiar with Negative Sentiment Override, think of it like a lens in which all the things your partner does, or all the things you do, get filtered through this lens that you or your partner is always wearing. This lens takes all the things you do, words you say, and mixes it up so that your partner (or you) take it in as something negative or hurtful that your partner is doing or that you are doing. It’s like a set of glasses that makes your partner look like a total, dysfunctional, jerk.

Negative Sentiment Override can be fixed. Couples therapy can help you take off that really awful pair of glasses and start to help you see your partner (or help your partner see you) as they really are.

One way that Gottman helps couples to work through Negative Sentiment Override is by having couples thinking of their interactions with one another as bank accounts. When we do nice things for our partner, that goes into a bank account. When we say nice things to our partners, that goes into a bank account. When we have a huge fight or misunderstanding with our partners, that’s a withdraw from the account. The more deposits we have, the more likely we are to see our partner as being our friend, someone we care about, our team member.

One activity that I often assign for couples therapy homework is to take the Love Languages Quiz. The author of the 5 Love Languages took all the ways that people show love to one another and categorized this behavior into 5 types of love. For example, gift giving and words of affirmation are types of Love Languages.

I have couples take the Love Language Quiz to learn the ways that they best receive love and the ways that their partner best receives love. Knowing this information helps you to put the effort where the money is (think back to that Gottman Love Bank Account I shared above).

Once you take the Love Languages Quiz, share the results with your partner and have your partner share their results with you.

Next, using the information you got on your quiz, create a list of 5-10 things that your partner could do that would help you to feel loved by your partner.

Some examples are:

Words of Affirmation: Say “I love you” before we go to bed, tell me when I look nice, Say “thank you” when I’ve done something around the house.

Gift Giving: Pick up my favorite dessert from the grocery store, research and buy new comfy slippers for me since I live in slippers through work from home.

Acts of Service: Do the dishes, clean the cat box, pick up around the house.

Quality Time: Watch my favorite TV show with me once a week, go for a walk with me.

Physical Touch: Hold my hand when we go for a walk, give me a kiss before you leave, give me a hug a couple of times a day.

The actions that you put on your list should be a mix of items that take 2 minutes or less and bigger items that your partner may have to put in more effort on. Try and make at least 1/2 your list items that take 2 minutes or less.

Once the list is made by you and one by your partner, post the lists on the fridge or some other place that you and your partner frequently look at.

Now the challenging part of this exercise - do one item off of your partners list, each day. You can do the same item a couple of days in a row, or you can mix it up.

By structuring affection, couples learn to be more mindful of the ways in which they show love and attention to one another. Couples are often surprised by how little they show one another.

Gottman or EFT? Which one will save my marriage?

We’ve all heard those nightmare stories from our friends about those couples who went and the therapist only made it worse.

The reality is that going to couples therapy does bring up unresolved issues.  It does sometimes mean that things get worse before they get better. That’s why finding a trained couples therapist is so important.

With couples therapy there are 2 main modes of treatment; Gottman Couple’s Therapy and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT).  Both treatment approaches have their merits and both are backed by science.

Gottman Therapy

John and Julie Gottman are psycho-therapist’s in Seattle, Washington.  John Gottman has been researching couples for many years, even decades and can predict the success of a marriage with 90% + accuracy.

Gottman couples therapy is based on the Sound Relationship House framework.  The Sound Relationship House is like the layers of a relationship, at the foundation is what Gottman refers to as Love Maps - knowing your partner, the next layer is Fondness and Admiration.  The Sound Relationship House builds up from the foundation to managing conflict to eventually building shared meaning. Simply put, you need a good foundation to create a life of shared meaning.  That is why at the bottom of the Sound Relationship House you’ll find Love Maps (knowing your partner) and Fondness and Admiration. When the shit hits the fan you need to know and like your partner in order to stick it out with your partner.

Gottman couples therapy relies heavily on skill building.  With Gottman couples therapy the therapist helps to create an environment which in the early stages of therapy helps build that fondness and admiration.  In the mid to later stages of therapy the therapist takes on more of a coach role, educating couples on communication skills and strategies and then coaching the couple as they work to use these newly learned skills.  

With Gottman Couples Therapy couples leave the therapy session with skills they can start using right away that help them to start to work through conflict and decrease fighting.

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy

Sue Johnson is the creator of emotionally focused couples therapy (EFT).  EFT is based attachment theory and helps couples to create a more secure attachment with each other.

The idea behind EFT is that we all respond to emotions and some of our responses are rooted in fear and defenses.  Our attachment wounds and attachment styles impact how we respond to emotions. Our partners have the capacity to trigger attachment wounds, emotional defenses and fearful responses.  EFT works with couples to help them learn how to re-organize their emotional responses which creates a new way of relating with your partner.

Both of these methods have been shown to be important in helping couples to work through relationship difficulties.  Both methods have been shown to help couples to decrease fighting in the relationship.  

When you come to me, Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT, for couples therapy you will get couples therapy from a trained couples therapist.

When selecting training for treating couples I was drawn towards Gottman because of the science that backs it.  While both are rooted in data and science, Gottman spoke to the more logic and data driven side of me. As a therapist who married a scientist I love facts, figures, rules, and things I know work.  

I know how important your relationship and your family is to you.  

Call (619) 383-1900 today to schedule your free 15 minute phone consultation to find out how Couples Therapy with me, may be able to help your relationship.

Is your partner resistant to couples therapy?  No problem, relationship therapy can be done through individual therapy.  Call (619) 383-1900 today to schedule your free 15 minute phone consultation to find out how individual therapy may be able to help your relationship.