When a couple starts counseling they often are in a state of Negative Sentiment Override. If you aren’t familiar with Negative Sentiment Override, think of it like a lens in which all the things your partner does, or all the things you do, get filtered through this lens that you or your partner is always wearing. This lens takes all the things you do, words you say, and mixes it up so that your partner (or you) take it in as something negative or hurtful that your partner is doing or that you are doing. It’s like a set of glasses that makes your partner look like a total, dysfunctional, jerk.
Negative Sentiment Override can be fixed. Couples therapy can help you take off that really awful pair of glasses and start to help you see your partner (or help your partner see you) as they really are.
One way that Gottman helps couples to work through Negative Sentiment Override is by having couples thinking of their interactions with one another as bank accounts. When we do nice things for our partner, that goes into a bank account. When we say nice things to our partners, that goes into a bank account. When we have a huge fight or misunderstanding with our partners, that’s a withdraw from the account. The more deposits we have, the more likely we are to see our partner as being our friend, someone we care about, our team member.
One activity that I often assign for couples therapy homework is to take the Love Languages Quiz. The author of the 5 Love Languages took all the ways that people show love to one another and categorized this behavior into 5 types of love. For example, gift giving and words of affirmation are types of Love Languages.
I have couples take the Love Language Quiz to learn the ways that they best receive love and the ways that their partner best receives love. Knowing this information helps you to put the effort where the money is (think back to that Gottman Love Bank Account I shared above).
Once you take the Love Languages Quiz, share the results with your partner and have your partner share their results with you.
Next, using the information you got on your quiz, create a list of 5-10 things that your partner could do that would help you to feel loved by your partner.
Some examples are:
Words of Affirmation: Say “I love you” before we go to bed, tell me when I look nice, Say “thank you” when I’ve done something around the house.
Gift Giving: Pick up my favorite dessert from the grocery store, research and buy new comfy slippers for me since I live in slippers through work from home.
Acts of Service: Do the dishes, clean the cat box, pick up around the house.
Quality Time: Watch my favorite TV show with me once a week, go for a walk with me.
Physical Touch: Hold my hand when we go for a walk, give me a kiss before you leave, give me a hug a couple of times a day.
The actions that you put on your list should be a mix of items that take 2 minutes or less and bigger items that your partner may have to put in more effort on. Try and make at least 1/2 your list items that take 2 minutes or less.
Once the list is made by you and one by your partner, post the lists on the fridge or some other place that you and your partner frequently look at.
Now the challenging part of this exercise - do one item off of your partners list, each day. You can do the same item a couple of days in a row, or you can mix it up.
By structuring affection, couples learn to be more mindful of the ways in which they show love and attention to one another. Couples are often surprised by how little they show one another.