We all have a certain level of programming that we bring with us as we go through life and as we enter and are in relationships. This programming is partly made up by the experiences we had as children and comprise much of how our parents or primary caregivers treated us. From birth to around the age of 7 our brain is doing a lot of learning and changing. These early experiences with caregivers get solidified into our brain and they become the basis for our programming.
Programming can determine the type of student you were, the type of employee you are, how you feel at work and how you respond to emails. Many of my client’s identify as people pleasers and cite a long history of overworking in school and at work, struggling to say no or set boundaries. This is a programming.
Programming can also determine how you show up in a relationship, how you handle conflict with your partner, and how satisfying you find the relationship dynamics.
In order to change our programming, we need to become present and to notice the ways that we are showing up in our relationships and in the world.
An example of not being present in a relationship would be when you are early in the relationship, you are enjoying dating, have a lot of passion for one another, the sex is fantastic, and your mind is constantly focused on thoughts like “is he the one?”, “how much time should we date before we get married?”, “why hasn’t he asked me to marry him yet?”, “what if he cheats on me?”, “what if his parents don’t like me?”. Focusing on the future, rushing to the next step, fixating on the past, these are ways that we are not present to our relationship in the moment.
Sometimes we can get so wrapped up in these thoughts that we go on autopilot, going through the day, not present to any true part of our life. Cooking dinner, eating, cleaning up. Moving and going, checking things off of our to do lists, not really experiencing or connecting.
Becoming more present in our lives, in our relationships can be hard. It requires slowing down, intention, awareness.
The next time you are noticing yourself on autopilot, whether in your relationship or in some other area of your life, take a short pause (1-2 minutes). If you can and if you feel safe, close your eyes. If you can’t close your eyes then fix your gaze on something relaxing or neutral. Take a slow deep breath in, filling up the belly and chest. Repeat this a few times and try and become present in your body. Next, bring in your 5 senses. What do you hear in the room with you, what do you hear outside? What do you smell? How does your body feel in the places where it connects with the chair? Notice your thoughts. Can you observe them without judgement? Can you taste anything? What is that taste?
A practice to try when you are wrapped up in thoughts and noticing yourself worry about the future or focusing on the past is to state “right now” statements to yourself. Pick statements that you know to be true. Here are some examples: “right now I am happy in my relationship”, “right now everything is going great in my relationship and I am enjoying getting to know my new partner”, “right now I feel secure in my relationship”, “right now we are having a conflict but I know we will work on getting through this”, “right now I am feeling anxious, this is just a feeling”.
Right now statements can help you to ground into what you know to be true in this moment.
Are you struggling with being present in your relationship or in another part of your life? Therapy can help you with becoming more mindful and present and help you to reprogram the unhelpful patterns you’ve developed. When you do therapy with Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, virtual therapy in California and Berkeley, you will learn to develop the muscle of awareness so that you can start to identify your behavior and relational patterns that are keeping you from living the life you desire. By becoming more aware, you are then able to make choices in how you want to respond to feelings, thoughts, relationship dynamics and much more.
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