How to be more present in your relationship

We all have a certain level of programming that we bring with us as we go through life and as we enter and are in relationships. This programming is partly made up by the experiences we had as children and comprise much of how our parents or primary caregivers treated us. From birth to around the age of 7 our brain is doing a lot of learning and changing. These early experiences with caregivers get solidified into our brain and they become the basis for our programming.

Programming can determine the type of student you were, the type of employee you are, how you feel at work and how you respond to emails. Many of my client’s identify as people pleasers and cite a long history of overworking in school and at work, struggling to say no or set boundaries. This is a programming.

Programming can also determine how you show up in a relationship, how you handle conflict with your partner, and how satisfying you find the relationship dynamics.

In order to change our programming, we need to become present and to notice the ways that we are showing up in our relationships and in the world.

An example of not being present in a relationship would be when you are early in the relationship, you are enjoying dating, have a lot of passion for one another, the sex is fantastic, and your mind is constantly focused on thoughts like “is he the one?”, “how much time should we date before we get married?”, “why hasn’t he asked me to marry him yet?”, “what if he cheats on me?”, “what if his parents don’t like me?”. Focusing on the future, rushing to the next step, fixating on the past, these are ways that we are not present to our relationship in the moment.

Sometimes we can get so wrapped up in these thoughts that we go on autopilot, going through the day, not present to any true part of our life. Cooking dinner, eating, cleaning up. Moving and going, checking things off of our to do lists, not really experiencing or connecting.

Becoming more present in our lives, in our relationships can be hard. It requires slowing down, intention, awareness.

The next time you are noticing yourself on autopilot, whether in your relationship or in some other area of your life, take a short pause (1-2 minutes). If you can and if you feel safe, close your eyes. If you can’t close your eyes then fix your gaze on something relaxing or neutral. Take a slow deep breath in, filling up the belly and chest. Repeat this a few times and try and become present in your body. Next, bring in your 5 senses. What do you hear in the room with you, what do you hear outside? What do you smell? How does your body feel in the places where it connects with the chair? Notice your thoughts. Can you observe them without judgement? Can you taste anything? What is that taste?

A practice to try when you are wrapped up in thoughts and noticing yourself worry about the future or focusing on the past is to state “right now” statements to yourself. Pick statements that you know to be true. Here are some examples: “right now I am happy in my relationship”, “right now everything is going great in my relationship and I am enjoying getting to know my new partner”, “right now I feel secure in my relationship”, “right now we are having a conflict but I know we will work on getting through this”, “right now I am feeling anxious, this is just a feeling”.

Right now statements can help you to ground into what you know to be true in this moment.

Are you struggling with being present in your relationship or in another part of your life? Therapy can help you with becoming more mindful and present and help you to reprogram the unhelpful patterns you’ve developed. When you do therapy with Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, virtual therapy in California and Berkeley, you will learn to develop the muscle of awareness so that you can start to identify your behavior and relational patterns that are keeping you from living the life you desire. By becoming more aware, you are then able to make choices in how you want to respond to feelings, thoughts, relationship dynamics and much more.

Email today to schedule your free 20 minute phone consultation.

Why We Stay Stuck & How to Get Unstuck

“Change involves a surprising amount of loss, the familiar” - Lori Gottlieb

How is fear of change keeping you from moving forward in your life? How is it keeping you from creating the life you want? How is fear of change keeping you from achieving life goals? How is it holding you back from happiness?

A client I worked with a number of years back used to talk about changing jobs, sharing a desire to try a new field. Having worked in a mostly business environment their desire for a creative outlet was intense. They wanted to explore careers in the beauty industry, music, and teaching. However when it came time for us to talk about what was holding them back, why they weren’t able to try and take steps towards this change, they would often respond with “what if I hate it?”. A valid and reasonable concern. When we would talk about ways to answer that question, to try things out, to explore possibilities, they would come back week after week saying that they hadn’t done their therapy homework, hadn’t done the research, hadn’t looked at any possible jobs. The fear of change was so strong in them that they couldn’t even allow themselves to dream, or to even gather information about what was possible.

The reality was that for this client, changing jobs was a risk. When we pulled back the layers to look at what was holding them back they were able to see that they were afraid of getting into the new job and hating it, being bad at the new job, having to learn a new job to do, meeting new colleagues (what if I don’t like them or they’re annoying), the new commute, and much more. Rather than seeing the possibility with change, they saw all the changes that they would be making and immediately saw them as problems. With the “what if” game it often goes to worst case scenario. We can switch that thought around though and see possibilities. What if this client changed jobs and loved it, what if she was great at it and found her calling? What if the commute was shorter and allowed her more free time to pursue her passions? What if she found a new best friend in one of her colleagues?

My question to you - what is the familiar to you? What is it that you are trying to hold on to? Is the risk greater to stick with what you know, or try something new?

Not sure how you feel about the change you are looking at? Try this - write down the story you are currently telling yourself about change or lack there of. What do you notice about that story? Is there another way you can tell that story?

Are you facing a big change? Not sure how to navigate it or having some big feelings about the change? I, Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Berkeley California, often help people navigate the challenges that come with change. Some of the ways we might support you in navigating change are to first create more awareness around the habits or life circumstance you’d like to change. We might explore some of the patterns that you feel stuck in and help you identify the ways in which your choices may be keeping you stuck in feeling unhappy. Along with exploring choices, therapy can help you to better understand your values, your emotions, and what it is you really want. With clarity, an understanding of emotions, and with a better understanding of yourself, you can start to feel more confident, feel better about yourself. Call today to learn more about how therapy might help you to start feeling better.

Is it ever OK to comment on someone's weight?

A client recently asked me “is it ever OK to talk to someone about their weight?”.  We had been discussing her feelings around her body and the messages that she received as a kid growing up.  This client was in the process of trying to understand how her parents apparent concern for her health had set her up for a lifetime of believing that her body was wrong.  If she couldn’t receive this message from her parents, could she receive it from anyone else?

The answer to the question “is it ever OK to talk to someone about their weight?” is long and complicated.  The short answer is no, it is never OK to talk with someone about their weight.

By talking to someone about their weight you are assigning value to that person's body based on its size.  A comment of “You look so good! Did you lose weight?” sends the message to a person that them being attractive is dependent on the size of their body.  

In turn a comment of “What happened to you?  I thought you were doing Weight Watchers” sends the message that they are not capable of managing their food and that their body screams “I can’t control myself around food”.  

Even if your comment is rooted in the desire to give a complement, think before you speak.  If you want to give a complement, what can you say that doesn’t involve their body? Sharing an appreciation for their friendship, sharing a fond memory, or talking about how important they are to you will go a lot further than a comment about their weight.

If you are genuinely concerned about the person and their weight first ask yourself if it is your place to bring up this issue.  Chances are this person is already aware of their weight struggle. They probably have already had a well meaning friend or family member comment on their weight.  They are probably already struggling with shame. Society is not subtle in its messaging to people about their bodies and their sizes.  

Check your assumptions.  Is your comment about their weight rooted in the belief that something is wrong with them.  That their weight equals a mental health concern, a lack of control, or some other issue that you don’t know to be true.  

Before speaking to someone about their weight, ask yourself what your real concern is.  A common one I hear is “I’m worried they’re depressed, they’ve gained so much weight”. Yes, sometimes people eat emotionally.  However not everyone does. The concern in that statement is not about the person’s weight. The real concern is they are depressed.  Rather than talking to the person about their weight a more effective approach would be to talk with them about the underlying concern, “I’m worried you’re depressed.  You just don’t seem happy”. Commenting on a person’s weight is more likely to add to any emotional burden that they may or may not be struggling with and is more likely to shut them down and close off communication.

In my practice I speak with many women of all shapes and sizes who have learned at one point or another that something is wrong with their body.  I work with women to unravel those stories that they have heard and sometimes created about themselves and their bodies. I help them to work through their fear of being seen in the world and help them to find value, confidence, compassion and self love for the person they are today.

Are you ready to start feeling good again?  Call today and schedule a free 15 minute phone consultation to learn more about therapy might be able to help you with your own relationship with your body.

Signs of Depression

I think I have depression but I’m not sure.

Let me start this blog by saying all feelings are normal.  All of them. Sadness, anger, frustration, fear, anxiety, happiness, joy...all normal.  For this reason, to some extent depression is normal too. Short periods of depression for say a couple of hours, a day or two, even sometimes up to a week is normal.  Knowing the signs and symptoms of depression can help you decide when it is time to reach out for support from your doctor or a trained therapist.

Difficulty getting out of bed:  This goes beyond the “I’m tired and want to press the snooze button” feeling that we all get from time to time.  This could mean that you can’t physically get out of bed but you are also not tired. This could mean that you feel stuck in bed.  Difficulty getting out of bed can also mean you are tired and want to sleep longer. One of my clients described her experience to me as the bed being a magnet that is holding down every part of her body; alert, present, but not able to physically peel herself out of bed.

Sleeping too much or difficulty staying asleep:  Depression is exhausting. Everything takes so much effort.  Getting out of bed, brushing your hair, making it to work or school is a huge accomplishment.  Sleeping more often because you are tired or trying to escape your life is a symptom of depression.  

Difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep is also a symptom of depression.  It is not uncommon for depression and anxiety to go hand in hand. Sometimes the difficulty in sleeping is due to being anxious that you won’t sleep, sometimes it is due to the distress of having depression, sometimes it is due to your sleep schedule being off from overcompensating for being tired.  

Irritability, being short with your friends and family and feeling like you have no patience.  It has been my experience that irritability tends to show up primarily in low level, long term depression.  This is because the person has been unhappy with life for awhile, is feeling stuck, and as the depression wears on, their patience for life and for people begins to wear down.  

Feelings of low self esteem, guilt, worthlessness.  When a person is depressed they can get down on themselves for the things they aren’t doing.  They might start to feel worthless, guilty, and useless because they can’t show up to life in the way that they did before their depression.  If they used to cook dinner every night for their family but now can’t because of their depression they might start to have thoughts like “I’m worthless.  I’m the worst mom. I can’t believe I’m doing this to my kids and partner”.

These are just a few symptoms of depression.  When you meet with a therapist they will ask questions about your symptoms to get a full picture of how you are struggling.  It can take a few sessions for your therapist to understand what you are dealing with, the way that your life is being impacted, and how/where the depression comes from.  

It’s OK and appropriate for you to ask your therapist how they can help you, how therapy will help you to start to feel better.

When people make an appointment with me, Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT I end the first session by sharing with that person my clinical insights.  This means that I share with them trends I notice like depression or anxiety, I talk about my approach to treating their issue, I talk about initial goals for helping them to start feeling better and I answer any questions they might have.  Doing this for my clients helps for us to define a path for them to start feeling better, it helps them to make an informed decision about how to spend their time and money, and it helps the client to determine if I am the right therapist for their specific need.

To schedule a free 15 minute phone consultation go to my website: www.GwendolynNelsonTerry.com.  If you’re ready to schedule your first appointment call 619-383-1900 or email me at gwendolyn@gwendolynnelsonterry.com

3 Coping Skills to Try When Feeling Disappointment

It felt really vulnerable and scary.  You put yourself out there, risked being seen, and the worst case scenario happened.  Maybe you tried for that job promotion, or you asked that cute guy at the coffee shop out.  Whatever it was, you took a risk and are now left feel disappointed, self critical, and a little ashamed.  

If you are a fan of Brene Brown’s work then you know that in order to truly live life in a way that is meaningful, you’ve got to show up and risk being seen.  Congratulations! Chances are if you are reading this you already did the hard part...you risked showing up and being seen. Part of taking any risk means that sometimes we are going to fall.  So how do you pick yourself up after a fall?

1. Figure out what the story is that you are telling yourself and the belief underneath that story.  When we are going through difficult feelings we can sometimes turn the situation inwards, blame ourselves, and feel embarrassed.  To work through those difficult feelings, the feelings of shame, embarrassment, disappointment you need to understand the story you are telling yourself.  Often times self talk, our inner narrative, masks a fear; I’m not good enough, people don’t like me, I’m a failure, I’m not lovable.

In my therapy practice I frequently meet with women who have recently experienced a break up or divorce.  When exploring their self talk it frequently sounds like “I hate them”, “I can’t believe I trusted them”, “I can’t trust anyone”, “I’m all alone”, “no one will ever love me again”, “I’m so stupid to think that anyone could love me”, “I should have never let myself care”.  

In digging below these statements what my client’s often discover in therapy is that they are afraid that they are not lovable, they are afraid that they are not good enough.

2.  Re-attribute the responsibility.  What are some other potential factors that contributed to the outcome.  

Using the example above, divorce or a break up, rather than buying into the belief that you are unlovable and that is why the relationship ended, ask yourself what are some other reasons for the break up?  Is it that the two of you grew apart, maybe your life started to take off and your partners life stayed stagnant. That will cause conflict in the relationship. Maybe your goals changed...he wanted kids and you never imagined wanting children.  Is it possible that alone you are great, alone your partner is great, but together the two of you are like oil and vinegar - you just don’t mix. Or perhaps no matter how hard you tried, you could never fully get to the point where the two of you were actually communicating.  

There are many things that contribute to an outcome.

3.  Focus on your success.  You took a risk, it didn’t pay off - no shame in that game.  Failure doesn’t mean anything bad about you. Failure doesn’t mean anything about the type of person you are.  Failure doesn’t mean anything about your future. Taking a risk, asking for what you want means that you are a courageous bad ass.  That’s something to celebrate, not feel bad about. When you catch yourself falling into the trap of judging yourself, feel embarrassed because you took a risk and showed up to life I want you to repeat this mantra “I am a courageous bad ass who deserves amazing things in my life”.

Want a little guidance moving beyond your disappointment? When you do therapy with me, Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, I work with women who have experienced disappointment in many forms; job loss, relationships ending, loss of a dream like having children, putting yourself out there for a raise or promotion. Most of these disappointments are temporary but can have an emotional impact on your self worth and confidence. I can help you get to the root of what is going on, why you are feeling disappointment and I can help you move beyond that hurt, shame, and discomfort. Call 619-383-1900 to schedule a free 15 minute consultation today.

What Feelings Am I Having?

Before you can address an uncomfortable feeling you need to first be able to label the feeling that you are having.  Our bodies and our brains communicate our feelings to us in many ways. People are often surprised to learn that their body is screaming their feelings at them, communicating in ways such as back problems and stomach aches.  There is no magic formula to identifying and labeling feelings. Everyone’s body is different and everyone’s body communicates to them in different ways. It’s important for you to learn the ways that your body communicates to you.

One way to start learning about how your body communicates uncomfortable feelings to you is by doing a body scan.  A body scan is basically taking notice of your body and the ways that your body is signaling feelings to you.

To do a body scan you would close your eyes and start by just focusing on your breath.  Breathe in and out, noticing the sensation of your stomach as your breathe in and breathe out.  Once you feel relaxed and focused you can start at the top of your head and slowly scan downward just noticing the different sensations in your body.  

- Do you notice pressure at the top of your head?  

- Are you tense in your neck or shoulders?  

- How does your heart feel?  Is it racing, is it beating slowly?  

- Is your gut communicating anything to you?  

- What about your back?  

- Keep moving down the body, observing and noticing the ways that your body is communicating to you.

The first few times that you do this exercise you might not be able to label your emotions or understand the ways in which your body is communicating your feelings to you.  That’s OK - with time and practice you will start to be able to understand and notice the ways that your feelings show up.

Set an alarm on your phone to go off one time a day for the next 7 days.  Use this alarm as a reminder to do a body scan and see if you can start to notice any feelings or messages that your body is sending you.