We all have a certain level of programming that we bring with us as we go through life and as we enter and are in relationships. This programming is partly made up by the experiences we had as children and comprise much of how our parents or primary caregivers treated us. From birth to around the age of 7 our brain is doing a lot of learning and changing. These early experiences with caregivers get solidified into our brain and they become the basis for our programming.
Read moreThe Number One Reason Couple's Fail in Couple's Therapy
When things aren’t working in a relationship it is easy to see how the other person has hurt us. Our focused is turned outward, noticing all the ways in which our partner’s haven’t shown up for us, haven’t expressed care, have let us down or been difficult or started fights with us. It’s easy to see how the other person is doing all the wrong things. We can start to have thoughts like “If only they would stop being so sensitive”, “If only they could focus on my emotions more”, “They don’t care for me, they can’t even sit and listen to my emotions”. The narrative and pain is all abut the other person.
Read moreWhy Your Conversations Turn Into Fights
Ever say something normal to your partner like, “hey, the kitchen is super messy”, only to have it turn into a full blown fight? Or have you ever had your partner say something to you like “Star Trek is better than Star Wars” and find yourself in a 3 day argument?
Seemingly normal conversations with our partners can easily turn into huge fights when our triggers are left unchecked.
What is a trigger? Great question, I’m glad you asked. A trigger is a topic, story, gesture, face, movement
Read moreCan I Do Marriage Counseling Without My Spouse?
In an ideal world your spouse would be on board with working on your marriage. However, there are many reasons why your spouse or partner may be choosing to say “no” to marriage counseling. Most people have heard horror stories from friends or co-workers who report that each week they and their spouse would go into marriage counseling only to start a fight, have the therapist sit and observe, only to leave and continue the fight in the car on the way home. These stories can create fear that the issues between you and your partner can grow bigger if you go to therapy.
Read moreHow to Handle it When You or Your Partner Shuts Down During a Fight
John Gottman calls it Diffuse Physiological Arousal that state that a person goes into when they have started to emotionally flood and they are starting to shut down emotionally and physically. During Diffuse Physiological Arousal we might experience a racing heart, we might feel tense, we might go into what feels like fight, flight or freeze.
Read moreWhat to Do When You've Said Something Wrong During an Argument With Your Partner
There are a couple of types of ways that you can give a repair to your partner after you’ve said something you regret or when you see that you words have escalated the fight.
Read moreHow to find the right couples therapist
Finding a couples therapist that matches your needs takes a bit of work. First, if you were hoping to use your insurance for couples therapy, most insurance plans will not cover a couples therapy session. This is because in order to use your insurance the service has to be medically necessary. Insurance does not view your relationship as a medically necessary issue to cover. For this reason alone I suggest that people do not call their insurance companies for a list of referrals to therapists.
Read moreWhat To Expect During The First Couple Of Sessions (Couples Therapy)
It’s been months of non stop fighting and the two of you have agreed it’s time to go to counseling. You feel anxious, unsure what to expect, hopeful that this helps. It feels like so much is riding on this. You hope you choose a good therapist, you hope the therapist can help you explain your side, you hope they can help the two of you start talking again.
Read moreNegative Sentiment Override - A Major Block To You Having A Fulfilling Relationship
When all you ever seem to do is fight with your partner it’s hard to want to go home and spend time with them. Finding extra things to do at work, or going out for happy hour with your friends seems like a reasonable excuse to avoid what has become a very tiresome pattern in your relationship.
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