Morning Routines - Tips for Busy Moms

This week I thought we’d focus on morning routines.  Morning routines can look a little less sexy than evening routines.  Having kids often means we wake up and are in go mode until the kids get to school.  Finding shoes, finishing homework, making sure everyone has their lunch, ate breakfast, and is clear on who goes to what activity after school can be a bit of a juggling act.  

So what can you do to make mornings a little less daunting?   

Plan ahead.  Lunches can be made the evening before or you can even make lunches on Sunday to last the whole week.  Struggling to get the lunches made; get the kids to help or set your child up for school lunches.  No need to feel guilt or shame, school lunches may have improved since you were a kid AND your child having hot lunch is not a statement of the kind of mom you are.  If taking the chore of making lunch off your list allows you to spend more stress free time with your children then go for it.  Positive time spent with your child will have a greater impact on their happiness and well being than compared to packing a nutritionally sound lunch.

Plan ahead.  Create a chart, tack up some poster board, get a white board and write out the after school plans and activities for the week.  This will help you to remember who goes where and when, give your children some accountability and responsibility, and help your partner to feel more connected and part of the activity.  Who knows, your partner may even see something on the schedule and offer to help out.  

Got a needy love bug in the morning?  Take a moment to check in with your child.  Sometimes nighttime can feel lonely and it can be a challenge for young children to get through the night.  Checking in with little ones and giving a morning snuggle can help to set the right mood and tone for the morning.

Get up earlier.  You’re probably thinking I’m crazy for even suggesting this but if you get up at least 10 minutes earlier you are giving yourself a cushion to deal with problems that may come up such as lost shoes.  If you are feeling really ambitious you can get up 30-45 minutes early and squeeze in some quiet time for yourself.  Taking 15 minutes to drink a cup of coffee before you wake up your family can make a world of difference in your day.

Set an intention for the day before you get out of bed.  Think of what you want to focus on, what’s really important.  Maybe choose one or two feeling words that you want to guide you through the day such as calm and accomplished.  When stressful situations come up or when you find yourself feeling worn out you can go back to the intention you set for the day and make decisions focused on how you want to feel and be.  

Making small changes daily can make a huge impact over time.  Think about one thing you might like to change about your morning routine.  Maybe it's fitting in 10 minutes for yourself before the kids get up or maybe it's packing lunches before bed.  Allow for the fact that change is not immediate and takes practice and patience.  If you fail at implementing one of the strategies listed above or it doesn’t have the impact you hoped for, no worries.  There's always tomorrow to try something new.

Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT - Providing online counseling for women.  Located in Vacaville, California - serving all areas of California.

3 Signs you might be an anxious mom

As moms we are prone to worrying about our babies, that’s part of the job.  Are they doing well in school? Are they happy? Do they have friends? Are they being safe when the go out?  Worrying about your child is normal but there is a point where the worrying can become too much.

So how do you know when you’ve crossed the line from normal, everyday mom worry to being an anxious mom?  Here are 3 signs that you might be a mom who has anxiety.

1. You worry an abnormal amount about your own death and who will take care of your children if/when you die.  Granted we can’t control what happens to us and if we are going to die but if you find yourself overly fixated on it, convinced that at some point you are going to orphan your children, this might be a sign of anxiety.

2. You won’t let anyone, not even your partner, help with the kids.  This can be anything from helping to make the school lunches, picking the kids up after school, buying the new soccer cleats, teaching them to drive.  Letting someone else helps means that you won’t get to oversee it and make sure whatever it is, isn’t done properly. If things are not done “right” then the question comes up for you “What does this mean for my child?”, “Am I a bad parent?”, “Are people going to think I’m a bad mom?”  

3. Saying goodbye is more distressing for you then it is for your child.  No matter what age they are, you worry when they leave the house or when you drop them off at school.  You struggle with scary thoughts or images about their safety and you call the cell phone or text them frequently to check in on them.

If any of this sounds familiar, you may be an anxious mom.  

To find out more about therapy and to learn more about how therapy may help you with anxiety, check my therapy page for moms or my FAQ page.

Being a parent does mean that you have to struggle with anxiety and worry.  When you are ready, call me at (619) 383-1900 to schedule your appointment.

What is Self Care?

Often, by the time a mom comes into my office they are burnt out.  They say things like “I don’t know what’s wrong with me” as they sob on the couch and describe to me a feeling of being deeply tired, stressed, overworked, and feeling like a failure in every area of their life.

It’s not that these women don’t love being moms.  In fact the extreme opposite is often the case. They love being a mom so much, they forget about everything else in their life, and one day they wake up and they have nothing left to give.  It’s at this point, where they feel they have nothing left to give, that they wander into my office.

I work with women to help them to start taking care of themselves in a way that still allows them to take care of their families.  The word self care gets thrown around a lot and is usually coupled with bubble baths, wine, and scented candles but that kind of self care is not realistic for the busy mom so I work with my client’s on simplifying self care.  Self care simplified means making sure the basics are covered. Am I well rested? Am I hydrated? Am I hungry? Self care is asking yourself “What do I need right now?” Sometimes the answer will be “A bubble bath, some wine, and to light one of my nice scented candles”.  Sometimes the answer will be surprisingly simple, like, “I need to go to the bathroom” or “I need to drink some water”.

You see, when you’re a busy mom you are so trained to tune into what’s going on with your family that sometimes you forget to tune into what’s going on with you.

Your assignment this week, if you choose to accept it, is to set a reminder on your phone.  When the reminder goes off, I want you to take a moment to breathe in deep 2-3 times and to ask yourself “what do I need right now”.  Whatever comes up is OK. You don’t have to act on whatever comes up for you, you don’t have to do anything. Step one is to just acknowledge what your need is.

Want more individualized support?  I have a couple of openings in my San Diego practice right now.  To schedule an appointment call (619) 383-1900.

Mom Guilt

In response to my last blog on date night I got a few mom’s who shared with me that they don’t do date night because they are struggling to leave their babies and children at home.  The word that came up in many of the emails was “guilt”. Many mom’s expressed guilt for taking time away from their children to take care of their relationship. So what do you do if you want to go on a date night, know it’s important to spend time with your partner, but just can’t get past the mom guilt?

First of all I want you to know that mom guilt is normal.  If you didn’t feel guilty about date night, you would feel guilty about something else.  Society has sent the message to women for many years that in order for us to be a “good mom” we need to devote our entire life to our children and anything less than that means we’re a bad mom.  The truth is that in order to be a good mom you need to take care of yourself so that you can take care of your babies. A burnt out, screaming, tired mom is not a good mom, although we all get there some times.  To be a good mom you need to be a complete person that nurtures and cares for yourself physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally.

Now I’m going to be very honest with you.  There is no easy way to get through mom guilt.  Like I said if you didn’t feel guilty about date night, you’d feel guilty about something else.  

Steps to start shedding the mom guilt:

First, talk to your partner.  Let them know how you are feeling and tell them you’d love to spend some alone time with them.  Prepare your partner for the likelihood that you might be struggling with guilt that night and ask them to be understanding if you find you have moments where you are not totally present in the evening.  Your partner may surprise you and have a few suggestions to help you get through this feeling of guilt.

Next I want you to go on a date night or just get out of the house together, no kids.  Keep doing this weekly. Over time the guilt will become less and less intense and you will start to enjoy and look forward to your time out together.  

During the time out, away from the kids notice when the mom guilt comes up.  Acknowledge it and then challenge the thought that is coming up for you. For example if your self talk is saying “you’re a bad mom.  I can’t believe you left the baby!”, list all the ways you are a good mom. Think back to all the times you got up in the middle of the night to hold your baby as they went back to sleep, the thoughtfulness you put into feeding them dinner, the times you take them to the park or the play group, all the times you changed the diaper, fed them, kissed, them told them you loved them.  Whatever the thought, your job is to take a moment and challenge it. If you’re having a hard time with this in the moment, ask your partner for help.

Next, say a calming statement to yourself like “I’m a good mom and it’s ok to spend time with my partner” or “I’m having fun with my partner and this time out with them will make us better parents”.  Say this over and over to yourself until you notice that you are able to focus more on the date.

Repeat the steps as much as needed.

Here’s a little cheat sheet of the steps to help you remember what to do.

• Talk to your partner.  Let them know you are struggling with mom guilt.  Let them know you don’t expect them to fix your feelings and let them know the ways they can help.  

• Get out of the house without the kids.  Go for a walk, out to dinner, to a movie, or something else.  Just start doing it.

• Notice the mom guilt when it comes up.

• Name it, acknowledge it: “Hey there mom guilt.  I see you”.

• Challenge it:  “Am I really a bad mom?  I make my babies lunches every day, I drive them to dance class, I do arts and crafts with them.”  Start listing all the unique and awesome ways that you are a great mom.

• Reaffirm, choose a statement to say to yourself to help calm your thoughts:  “I’m a great mom and going out with my partner is a good thing for my kids”.

• Ask your partner for help when you need it.

• Plan to go out the following week or aim to go out twice a month.

Need some extra support with mom guilt?  I'd love to meet with you to discuss how therapy might be able to help.  Email me with any questions or to schedule an appointment:  Gwendolyn@GwendolynNelsonTerry.com

Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry is a Marriage and Family Therapist located in the Hillcrest neighborhood of San Diego.

2 Online Resources for Self Care

Need a moment to yourself or a way to unwind?  Here are 2 of my favorite online resources that have helped me to fit in a little bit of self care when life is feeling a little crazy.

1. Yoga with Adriene -  I am a huge YWA fan and Find What Feels Good (FWFG) fan.  Adriene runs a subscription based website called Find What Feels Good and for $9.99 a month you get access to all her videos.  Before you sign up for the subscription service be sure to check out her Youtube channel where she releases one free yoga video a week.  If you are someone who has tried yoga in the past and have been unable to get beyond the sometimes pretentious vibe of yoga then check out Adriene.  Adriene has a down to earth style, great sense of humor and is body inclusive and affirming.  Here's a like to the YWA Youtube channel: https://www.youtube.com/user/yogawithadriene and a link to her subscription based website:  https://yogawithadriene.vhx.tv/

2. Breathe with Calm - Feeling a little keyed up and anxious?  Just got some bad news and want to scream and cry but you got to go pick up the kids (Hey, no judgement, I’ve been there), take a moment and breathe.  Breathe with Calm is a website that guides you through a breathing exercise with written instructions and a visual.  https://www.calm.com/breathe

If you have 30 minutes this week, log onto the Yoga with Adriene Youtube channel and give one of her sessions a try.  If you find yourself short on time or having periods of high anxiety and stress this week, give the Calm website a try.

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Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist located in the Hillcrest neighborhood of San Diego.