It Doesn't Matter Who Is "Right", What Matters Is How You Listen To Each Other
It’s not uncommon for a couple to find their way into my office in the midst of an argument, each person wanting to declare to me why they are “right” and why I should tell their partner they are “wrong”. Couples are often surprised to hear me say in response, “It doesn’t matter who is right or wrong. You don’t need to agree or disagree with one another, you just need to listen.” So unsatisfying, am I right?
It’s not uncommon for a couple to find their way into my office in the midst of an argument, each person wanting to declare to me why they are “right” and why I should tell their partner they are “wrong”. Couples are often surprised to hear me say in response, “It doesn’t matter who is right or wrong. You don’t need to agree or disagree with one another, you just need to listen.” So unsatisfying, am I right?
We’ve been programmed in our life to believe that their is a right and a wrong, things are black and white, and that if the other person could just see that I’m right, well then we wouldn’t have this problem. I challenge this belief. If we think through and pull apart the many different conflict that we have had with our partner over the years, I’m sure you can come to one where your partner turned to you in the heat of the battle and said something along the lines of “Fine, you’re right, I’m wrong. Can we be done now?”. Thinking back to that same argument, did you feel heard? Did you feel understood? Did you feel like your partner cared for you in that moment? Maybe you did, but I’m guessing, probably not. That conversation probably ended feeling unresolved, despite you being “right”.
When we are in conflict with our partner, with the ones we love, more than anything we want to be heard and understood. This is a new way to think about conflict for most people. Most people believe that in conflict their has to be a winner and a looser. What couples learn when they come to do couples therapy with me, Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Gottman Couples Therapy, is that they learn that they need to listen, they need to put aside that urge to be “right”, and they need to open up to listening in order to stop fighting.
Listening is often the skill couples spend the most time on when they come to couples therapy. This is because in order to really listen, we need to discover our defenses, triggers, and learn to work through them in order to really listen. In order to discover those defenses and triggers, we need you and your partner to start working on listening.
Couples & Marriage Counseling can help you and your partner learn to the tools to become better communicators and can help you two learn how to become better at conflict.
Listening in conflict with your partner involves the following steps:
1. Take care of your needs. You can’t listen if you are hungry, haven’t had a glass of water since your morning coffee 8 hours ago, or if you need to use the bathroom. If you are in the middle of an argument and notice you are starving or have to use the restroom, press pause on the conversation and take care of your needs.
2. Someone has to go first in the listener role. You don’t get extra points for going first, but sometimes we need to set aside our competing agendas and let our partner speak first. Some couples rock, paper, scissor for who goes first, other’s request to go first, what ever works in your relationship is fine.
3. Listen to your partners words, try and understand the spirit behind their words. What is it that they want you to know? If you are having a hard time figuring out what they want you to know, maybe try and focus in on what they are feeling. Connection with your partner happens on the emotional level.
4. State back to your partner what you’ve heard. We do this for 2 reasons. 1, we are checking to make sure that what we heard is correct. When our defenses show up it creates a lens in which we take in information. We don’t always take in the correct information. Stating back what you heard gives your partner a chance to correct any miscommunications. 2, when we state back what we heard, our partners feel heard. When we feel heard, we feel less angry, we feel more connected, and we soften towards resolution.
5. Validate whatever part of your partners message that you can. Can you validate their emotion, their experience in the conflict, how they viewed the events that led to the conflict. Validate what you can. Validation deepens the softening and sends the message to your partner that you care and are trying to work through the issue.
6. Take ownership of your part in the conflict. Did you come home angry and as a result were short with your partner? Did you start a conversation on an empty stomach and get hangry half way through, did you forget to pick up something from the grocery store? It doesn’t matter how small your actions were, if they contributed to the conflict, own up to it.
7. Now switch, the listener becomes the speaker and vice versa. Couples struggle with how to make this switch. I tell couples that it is best to ask before changing roles. You might ask by saying something like “would you mind if I talked about why I got upset”, or “I experienced that (conflict, the event, your words) differently, can we talk about that?” or “I have some hurt feelings from our fight, can we talk those out"?”.
8. Take a break if you need to. Our bodies and brain take in conflict as a signal for danger. When we are in conflict our brain sends out signals of distress and stress hormones flood our bodies. We can easily go into what Gottman calls diffuse, physiological arousal. This is when our blood pressure climbs, our heart races, and we loose the ability to access the part of the brain that helps us to think through problems. In order to manage diffuse physiological arousal, we need to give our body about 20 minutes to calm down. Sometimes we need hours. Pay attention to the signals your body is sending and take a break from conflict if you need it.
Begin Couples Counseling for relationship conflict in the Bay Area, California (Online/Virtually).
Couples counseling can help you and your relationship.
Helping couples communicate better and resolve conflict is not the only service we offer at Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT. I am able to treat most couples concerns such as relationship unhappiness, affair recovery, co-parenting, and more. I also meet with individuals and can support you through a variety of relationship and non-relationship concerns such as anxiety, self esteem, and moving beyond a break up.
Don’t go it alone, work with a trained and experienced couples therapist who can help you and your partner to heal from an affair. Call today for a free 15 minute phone consultation (619)383-1900.
Can I Do Marriage Counseling Without My Spouse?
In an ideal world your spouse would be on board with working on your marriage. However, there are many reasons why your spouse or partner may be choosing to say “no” to marriage counseling. Most people have heard horror stories from friends or co-workers who report that each week they and their spouse would go into marriage counseling only to start a fight, have the therapist sit and observe, only to leave and continue the fight in the car on the way home. These stories can create fear that the issues between you and your partner can grow bigger if you go to therapy.
Can I Do Marriage Counseling Without My Spouse?
In an ideal world your spouse would be on board with working on your marriage. However, there are many reasons why your spouse or partner may be choosing to say “no” to marriage counseling. Most people have heard horror stories from friends or co-workers who report that each week they and their spouse would go into marriage counseling only to start a fight, have the therapist sit and observe, only to leave and continue the fight in the car on the way home. These stories can create fear that the issues between you and your partner can grow bigger if you go to therapy.
Other reasons your partner might not want to go to therapy; it’s scary to be vulnerable, they don’t know what to expect, they too are tired of the fighting and the way they cope with it is to withdraw, etc. Whatever their reason, it is best not to fight their need to stay out of counseling for the time being.
The fact that your spouse or partner doesn’t want to come to therapy doesn’t make it a deal breaker. You can work on the relationship, alone, in marriage counseling.
A trained couples therapist will be able to help you develop communication skills to decrease conflict, increase friendship and intimacy, and help you to find ways to start connect with your partner on a more frequent and consistent basis. You might also explore with your therapist your relationship patterns, attachment styles and triggers, and gain insight into how you and your personal history may be getting in the way of you having the marriage of your dreams. A trained couples therapist can also help you to learn how to navigate through transitions in relationships such as having a baby, your child leaving for college, partner becoming unemployed or getting a new job, moves, and much more.
Not sure you know what you want to work on but know that something in the relationship needs to change? Your therapist can help you figure out goals for therapy, what to expect from therapy and speak with you a little bit more about the direction of therapy and what to expect.
Most therapist’s will offer a free phone consultation before you schedule the session. This is a great time for you to talk a little bit about what is bringing you into therapy and a good opportunity for you to ask and find out how therapy might be able to help you and your relationship.
If you are interested in starting couples therapy or relationship therapy for yourself sent me an email. I am currently gathering a waiting list for anticipated open spots for January of 2020.
Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in the State of California and Missouri. Gwendolyn is a Level 3 Gottman trained therapist who specializes in helping couples to rebuild the friendship and spark in their relationship.
What To Expect During The First Couple Of Sessions (Couples Therapy)
It’s been months of non stop fighting and the two of you have agreed it’s time to go to counseling. You feel anxious, unsure what to expect, hopeful that this helps. It feels like so much is riding on this. You hope you choose a good therapist, you hope the therapist can help you explain your side, you hope they can help the two of you start talking again.
It’s been months of non stop fighting and the two of you have agreed it’s time to go to counseling. You feel anxious, unsure what to expect, hopeful that this helps. It feels like so much is riding on this. You hope you choose a good therapist, you hope the therapist can help you explain your side, you hope they can help the two of you start talking again.
It takes a lot of courage to come to couples therapy.
You may be gearing up to come into therapy and unload everything that is wrong in your relationship, some therapists might have you do this.
When a couple comes to me, Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT I work with couples right away to get them talking and to help them start connecting again. Friendship is key to being able to work out any relationship problem.
In my first session with client’s I start off by first welcoming them to therapy. I go over the business stuff I’m required to verbally say to you and answer any questions you or your partner might have about the paperwork, fees, confidentiality, etc.
From there I invite one of you to share what brought you into couples therapy. In this first session both you and your partner get to share about some of the issues that led you to couples therapy. I might ask about your history in couples therapy, what the two of you gained from past experiences in couples therapy, what didn’t work in couples therapy. I usually ask about the history of your relationship, how you met and how you got to where you are today (living together, married, committed, etc.). If time allows, I have you and your partner discuss a problem while I watch, like a fly on the wall. During this time I’m just observing the interaction between the two of you and seeing what is working, and what isn’t working.
At the end of the session I talk about some more assessment pieces that I do, one is an in depth online assessment, the other is to schedule a one on one with each person in the partnership. At the end of the session I also give you my clinical impressions, how I see myself helping you and your partner.
Sessions 2 and 3 are those individual sessions.
During our individual time together I invite you to share with me any additional information, concerns, or issues you’d like to address in our work together. It’s a chance for you to talk a little more freely about some of the struggles you’ve been facing in your relationship. Some things I might ask in our time together; what is your commitment to working on the relationship? What do you want to work on as a couple? What do you want to work on individually within the couple? History of affairs? Alcohol and other drug use? At the end of our session together I re-cap and answer any questions you might have about therapy.
Session 4
With the information that you provided me through your couples session, individual sessions, and the online assessment I go a little bit deeper into my clinical impressions and suggest a few initial goals for therapy. Therapy works best when you are working on goals that feel important to you. If you don’t agree with my goals, or if you find that you were wanting to work on something else, tell me, let’s talk about it.
Now the hard work starts. Gottman therapy works under the framework of the Sound Relationship House. The idea being that for you to work through the hard stuff, like conflict, you need to have a strong foundation upon which to grow; friendship and understanding of each other. Goals for therapy focus on building friendship and connection, learning to speak to each other in ways the other can hear, learning to manage your emotions when you are in conflict, supporting your partner when they are flooded with emotions, and so much more.
By the time you leave couples therapy my hope is that you feel reconnected to your partner, passionate about your relationship, you feel heard, seen, and accepted, you enjoy each other. I want for you to have the confidence to know that the two of you can work through conflict and grow closer together as a result of it.
It absolutely is possible to grow closer to your partner through conflict. A couples therapist can help you learn how to turn conflict into a chance to learn about your partner and grow.