It’s not uncommon for a couple to find their way into my office in the midst of an argument, each person wanting to declare to me why they are “right” and why I should tell their partner they are “wrong”. Couples are often surprised to hear me say in response, “It doesn’t matter who is right or wrong. You don’t need to agree or disagree with one another, you just need to listen.” So unsatisfying, am I right?
We’ve been programmed in our life to believe that their is a right and a wrong, things are black and white, and that if the other person could just see that I’m right, well then we wouldn’t have this problem. I challenge this belief. If we think through and pull apart the many different conflict that we have had with our partner over the years, I’m sure you can come to one where your partner turned to you in the heat of the battle and said something along the lines of “Fine, you’re right, I’m wrong. Can we be done now?”. Thinking back to that same argument, did you feel heard? Did you feel understood? Did you feel like your partner cared for you in that moment? Maybe you did, but I’m guessing, probably not. That conversation probably ended feeling unresolved, despite you being “right”.
When we are in conflict with our partner, with the ones we love, more than anything we want to be heard and understood. This is a new way to think about conflict for most people. Most people believe that in conflict their has to be a winner and a looser. What couples learn when they come to do couples therapy with me, Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Gottman Couples Therapy, is that they learn that they need to listen, they need to put aside that urge to be “right”, and they need to open up to listening in order to stop fighting.
Listening is often the skill couples spend the most time on when they come to couples therapy. This is because in order to really listen, we need to discover our defenses, triggers, and learn to work through them in order to really listen. In order to discover those defenses and triggers, we need you and your partner to start working on listening.
Couples & Marriage Counseling can help you and your partner learn to the tools to become better communicators and can help you two learn how to become better at conflict.
Listening in conflict with your partner involves the following steps:
1. Take care of your needs. You can’t listen if you are hungry, haven’t had a glass of water since your morning coffee 8 hours ago, or if you need to use the bathroom. If you are in the middle of an argument and notice you are starving or have to use the restroom, press pause on the conversation and take care of your needs.
2. Someone has to go first in the listener role. You don’t get extra points for going first, but sometimes we need to set aside our competing agendas and let our partner speak first. Some couples rock, paper, scissor for who goes first, other’s request to go first, what ever works in your relationship is fine.
3. Listen to your partners words, try and understand the spirit behind their words. What is it that they want you to know? If you are having a hard time figuring out what they want you to know, maybe try and focus in on what they are feeling. Connection with your partner happens on the emotional level.
4. State back to your partner what you’ve heard. We do this for 2 reasons. 1, we are checking to make sure that what we heard is correct. When our defenses show up it creates a lens in which we take in information. We don’t always take in the correct information. Stating back what you heard gives your partner a chance to correct any miscommunications. 2, when we state back what we heard, our partners feel heard. When we feel heard, we feel less angry, we feel more connected, and we soften towards resolution.
5. Validate whatever part of your partners message that you can. Can you validate their emotion, their experience in the conflict, how they viewed the events that led to the conflict. Validate what you can. Validation deepens the softening and sends the message to your partner that you care and are trying to work through the issue.
6. Take ownership of your part in the conflict. Did you come home angry and as a result were short with your partner? Did you start a conversation on an empty stomach and get hangry half way through, did you forget to pick up something from the grocery store? It doesn’t matter how small your actions were, if they contributed to the conflict, own up to it.
7. Now switch, the listener becomes the speaker and vice versa. Couples struggle with how to make this switch. I tell couples that it is best to ask before changing roles. You might ask by saying something like “would you mind if I talked about why I got upset”, or “I experienced that (conflict, the event, your words) differently, can we talk about that?” or “I have some hurt feelings from our fight, can we talk those out"?”.
8. Take a break if you need to. Our bodies and brain take in conflict as a signal for danger. When we are in conflict our brain sends out signals of distress and stress hormones flood our bodies. We can easily go into what Gottman calls diffuse, physiological arousal. This is when our blood pressure climbs, our heart races, and we loose the ability to access the part of the brain that helps us to think through problems. In order to manage diffuse physiological arousal, we need to give our body about 20 minutes to calm down. Sometimes we need hours. Pay attention to the signals your body is sending and take a break from conflict if you need it.
Begin Couples Counseling for relationship conflict in the Bay Area, California (Online/Virtually).
Couples counseling can help you and your relationship.
Helping couples communicate better and resolve conflict is not the only service we offer at Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT. I am able to treat most couples concerns such as relationship unhappiness, affair recovery, co-parenting, and more. I also meet with individuals and can support you through a variety of relationship and non-relationship concerns such as anxiety, self esteem, and moving beyond a break up.
Don’t go it alone, work with a trained and experienced couples therapist who can help you and your partner to heal from an affair. Call today for a free 15 minute phone consultation (619)383-1900.