Ever say something normal to your partner like, “hey, the kitchen is super messy”, only to have it turn into a full blown fight? Or have you ever had your partner say something to you like “Star Trek is better than Star Wars” and find yourself in a 3 day argument?
Seemingly normal conversations with our partners can easily turn into huge fights when our triggers are left unchecked.
What is a trigger? Great question, I’m glad you asked. A trigger is a topic, story, gesture, face, movement (anything) that triggers within us a strong, and often undesired feeling. These strong emotions are frequently tied to our history and our stories.
As we go through life, have experiences, enter and exit relationships, we develop a lens in which we filter our information. This lens is created and developed by the life we live and the experiences and relationships we have. As our partners talk and interact with us, these interactions go through that lens, get distorted and we take that in. Most of the time we are neutral about the information coming through this lens, sometimes we like what we see and sometimes it triggers us.
If you grew up in a house with a mom or a dad that was a clean freak who would get upset, yell or give out consequences if the dishes weren’t done, then as an adult you might get fearful when your partner shares an observation that the kitchen is messy. Rather than seeing that as a neutral statement, or a chance to talk about how to keep the kitchen clean, you might go into defensiveness, blocking your partners statement with comments on their cleanliness, or lack thereof.
If your older cousin was a die hard Trekkie, going to conventions and learning klingon then you might have a bias towards Star Trek. Maybe that bias keeps you from being able to understand why your partner might like Star Wars. When you innocently say to your partner “Star Trek is better than Star Wars” and your partner disagrees, you might feel invalidated and tell yourself the story “they (your partner) just don’t respect me or my family”.
Triggers, if left unchecked, can lead us to big misunderstandings where we tell ourselves stories about our self, our partner, our relationship. These stories may or may not be true but when they are painful stories, they cause us to be defensive.
Take a moment and write down 3 triggers that show up and cause conflict in your relationship. Write down your triggers, not your partners (although knowing their triggers is also important).
Read through that list, notice how each trigger makes you feel. Do you notice yourself getting angry, feeling tense in your body? Does a trigger make you think of a certain painful or uncomfortable event? Does a trigger make you tell a story about yourself and/or your worth? Notice what comes up for you, try not to judge it.
If you notice yourself getting triggered during a conversation with your partner, get curious. Ask yourself “what am I feeling?”, “why am I feeling this way?”, “is this because of something my partner said or is it possibly reminding me of something else?”, “what story am I telling myself right now?”. Getting curious about your trigger and your emotions can hep you to grow your awareness of your triggers.
As your awareness of your triggers grows, you can start to practice self soothing during conversations with your partner. Some examples of self soothing are: focusing on breath, saying calming statements, taking a break from the conversation, asking your partner to go for a walk while you talk, or rewriting that story you are telling yourself (ex. “My partner doesn’t understand me” to “my partner is just sharing with me that they like watching Star Trek”).
Self soothing helps you to stay in conversations longer with your partner, helping the two of you to start to resolve conflicts and misunderstandings more easily.
Does all this sound complicated? It is. If it were easy, you would have figured this out, made some changes, and the fighting with your partner would be seldom, if not non-existent.
Couples therapy can help you and your partner to identify, talk about, understand, and learn how to manage your triggers so that when they show up in your relationship, they don’t take over.
Begin Couples Counseling for relationship conflict in the Bay Area, California (Online/Virtually).
Couples counseling can help you and your relationship.
Helping couples communicate better and resolve conflict is not the only service we offer at Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT. I am able to treat most couples concerns such as relationship unhappiness, affair recovery, co-parenting, and more. I also meet with individuals and can support you through a variety of relationship and non-relationship concerns such as anxiety, self esteem, and moving beyond a break up.
Don’t go it alone, work with a trained and experienced couples therapist who can help you and your partner to heal from an affair. Call today for a free 15 minute phone consultation (619)383-1900.