When things aren’t working in a relationship it is easy to see how the other person has hurt us. Our focused is turned outward, noticing all the ways in which our partner’s haven’t shown up for us, haven’t expressed care, have let us down or been difficult or started fights with us. It’s easy to see how the other person is doing all the wrong things. We can start to have thoughts like “If only they would stop being so sensitive”, “If only they could focus on my emotions more”, “They don’t care for me, they can’t even sit and listen to my emotions”. The narrative and pain is all abut the other person.
Read more3 Types of Conflict Attitudes
In my work as a marriage and family therapist I’ve found that there are 3 distinct types of conflict attitudes. There is the conflict comfortable (aka conflict neutral), conflict avoidant, and people who seem to seek out and relish conflict.
Read moreWhy Your Conversations Turn Into Fights
Ever say something normal to your partner like, “hey, the kitchen is super messy”, only to have it turn into a full blown fight? Or have you ever had your partner say something to you like “Star Trek is better than Star Wars” and find yourself in a 3 day argument?
Seemingly normal conversations with our partners can easily turn into huge fights when our triggers are left unchecked.
What is a trigger? Great question, I’m glad you asked. A trigger is a topic, story, gesture, face, movement
Read moreCan I Do Marriage Counseling Without My Spouse?
In an ideal world your spouse would be on board with working on your marriage. However, there are many reasons why your spouse or partner may be choosing to say “no” to marriage counseling. Most people have heard horror stories from friends or co-workers who report that each week they and their spouse would go into marriage counseling only to start a fight, have the therapist sit and observe, only to leave and continue the fight in the car on the way home. These stories can create fear that the issues between you and your partner can grow bigger if you go to therapy.
Read moreThe Importance of Stating a Positive Need
Picture this: You walk in the door after a long day. You’re tired, you need to feed the kids, you just can’t wait to slip on your sweats and relax in front of the TV. As you walk down the hallway you notice dirty socks on the ground, you go into the kitchen and once again your partner has left his breakfast dishes on the counter, you go into the front room and find your partner sitting on the couch watching TV and they look up from the TV and say “Hey babe, what’s for dinner?”.
Read moreA Simple Tool That Will Make a Huge Impact In Your Next Relationship Conflict
Most couples when they come to see me talk about their arguing, they just can’t seem to get beyond it, they don’t feel heard, and they feel like their partner just doesn’t get them. They keep having the same fights, talking about the same issues and getting no where. Often, by the time they make an appointment to see me one or both par
Read moreWhat to Do When You've Said Something Wrong During an Argument With Your Partner
There are a couple of types of ways that you can give a repair to your partner after you’ve said something you regret or when you see that you words have escalated the fight.
Read moreHow to find the right couples therapist
Finding a couples therapist that matches your needs takes a bit of work. First, if you were hoping to use your insurance for couples therapy, most insurance plans will not cover a couples therapy session. This is because in order to use your insurance the service has to be medically necessary. Insurance does not view your relationship as a medically necessary issue to cover. For this reason alone I suggest that people do not call their insurance companies for a list of referrals to therapists.
Read moreGottman or EFT? Which one will save my marriage?
We’ve all heard those nightmare stories from our friends about those couples who went and the therapist only made it worse.
The reality is that going to couples therapy does bring up unresolved issues. It does sometimes mean that things get worse before they get better. That’s why finding a trained couples therapist is so important.
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