The Number One Reason Couple's Fail in Couple's Therapy

When things aren’t working in a relationship it is easy to see how our partner has hurt us. Our focus is turned outward, noticing all the ways in which our partner’s haven’t shown up for us, haven’t expressed care, have let us down or been difficult or started fights with us. It’s easy to see how the other person is doing all the wrong things. We can start to have thoughts like “If only they would stop being so sensitive”, “If only they could focus on my emotions more”, “They don’t care for me, they can’t even sit and listen to me”. The narrative and pain is all abut what the other person did to us.

During the individual assessment session (Click Here to Read More About That) I sometimes hear “I need you to fix ___ about my partner” or “I need you to tell them to stop ____”. When I hear these types of statements it’s a sign to me that in order for the couple to do the real work of couples therapy, at least one of the partners needs to open up to exploring their role in the problematic relationship dynamics.

Couples therapy works under the the assumption that the couple is a system and that the system isn’t functioning well. It’s not one person who is at fault, it’s how the couple interacts, how they work together, that is at fault. This can be a hard concept for some people to understand because they’ve been in pain for so long that their brain has started to wire itself to the story “my partner is to blame”.

Couple’s where one or both partners lack the ability to do self exploration AND they aren’t open to exploring how they may have contributed to the relationship problem are doomed to fail. The inability or unwillingness to open up and look at your own behaviors creates an unequal dynamic in the relationship, where one person is placed in the position of carrying the greater effort of doing the work. When these dynamics have played out in my couples therapy practice, I see the person being blamed eventually burning out and becoming resentful. Feeling like their efforts are never good enough, that the other person can’t be satisfied, they began to disengage from the work and neither partner puts in the effort.

As you are reading this I’m sure you are thinking of some scenarios where one person is absolutely to blame for the couples unhappiness. For example, affairs. It seems easy to say that the person that cheated is the cause of the relationship problems. The person who cheated made a choice that is harmful to the relationship and they should make amends for that decision. However, the decision to cheat came from dysfunction that was already present in the relationship. To learn more about how this principle applies to affair recovery (click here)

Couples who start therapy with the inability to self reflect on their role in the relationship unhappiness are not doomed. This is a skill that can be learned. Many couples start couples therapy in this fame of mind but with some support and guidance, they are able to start to see how their actions contribute to the problem.

To start working on building this skill try asking yourself the following questions after a conflict: why was my partner upset? Did I do anything that caused them to be upset or contributed to them being upset? Did my actions or words cause the conflict to get worse? Is there anything I could have done to de-escalate the problem?

When you do couples therapy with me, Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Berkeley, California, you will go through a thorough assessment before even starting the work. This assessment helps me to be able to identify some of the stuck points that you and your partner might be facing, such as mindset. With this information, I am able to craft a plan to support you and your partner in starting to do the work of healing problematic relationship dynamics.

It is possible to have the relationship of your dreams, to heal your pain, and to grow as an individual in the relationship as well as to grow as a couple. Email today to set up a time to talk about how therapy may be able to help you and your partner heal your relationship.

3 Types of Conflict Attitudes

In my work as a marriage and family therapist I’ve found that there are 3 distinct types of conflict attitudes. There is the conflict comfortable (aka conflict neutral), conflict avoidant, and people who seem to seek out and relish conflict.

Most of my client’s describe themselves as being conflict avoidant. When issues come up in their relationship, at work, with family or friends, they look the other way. People who are conflict avoidant may even feel that they are afraid of conflict, seeing it as uncontrollable, something with no resolution or positive outcome for them. People who are conflict avoidant often live by the belief that if they don’t bring up an issue, then it will just go away. The problem is, issues seldom go away unless they are dealt with. In conflict they can withdraw, stonewall, or become dissociated. At times, when in conflict they can become very angry, lashing out, saying things they don’t mean, and at times become verbally attacking of their partners.

Conflict seekers seem to enjoy the rush of adrenaline they receive when in conflict. They can push their partners buttons, not respect boundaries, look for things to get angry about. Often times the conflict seekers are reactive to their emotions, going for 0-100 in a couple of seconds. In relationships, conflict seekers can push their partner away, seeming to have a never ending list of complaints or needs that their partner is able to meet. Conflict seekers tend to have a hard time with self soothing and regulating emotions. This can be problematic when they are trying to resolve a conflict with their partner as their partner feels that they are consistently met with resistance.

Conflict neutral people are comfortable with conflict. Conflict isn’t good or bad, it’s just a necessary part of being in relationship with others. Conflict neutral people tend to have a good understanding of their emotions, good at self soothing and regulating their emotions, and often times are good communicators. The conflict neutral people are comfortable listening to their partners emotions and needs, and they themselves are comfortable stating their emotions and needs. Conflict neutral people often times report that they have success resolving conflict with others.

Do you see yourself in any of the above listed conflict attitudes? Which one stands out most to you? Is it helpful or hurtful in your relationship? What about your partner, what is their conflict attitude? What have you noticed about their conflict attitude and how it either helps or hurts you two when you are in conflict?

If you are struggling in conflict in your relationship, couples therapy may be able to help.

When doing therapy with Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT, a trained couples therapist, you will be guided through the process of identifying your conflict patterns, gain insight into how those patterns either help or hurt your relationship and you’ll learn new ways of communicating and relating to one another.

If your partner doesn’t want to attend couples therapy, no problem. You can gain a lot of skills working one on one with a therapist that may help resolve your relationship problems. Often times once our partners see us making changes, they become motivated to join in on the change process.

Call today to schedule a free 20 minute phone consultation to find out how therapy may be able to help you improve your relationship.

Why Your Conversations Turn Into Fights

Ever say something normal to your partner like, “hey, the kitchen is super messy”, only to have it turn into a full blown fight?  Or have you ever had your partner say something to you like “Star Trek is better than Star Wars” and find yourself in a 3 day argument?

Seemingly normal conversations with our partners can easily turn into huge fights when our triggers are left unchecked.  

What is a trigger?  Great question, I’m glad you asked.  A trigger is a topic, story, gesture, face, movement (anything) that triggers within us a strong, and often undesired feeling.  These strong emotions are frequently tied to our history and our stories.

As we go through life, have experiences, enter and exit relationships, we develop a lens in which we filter our information.  This lens is created and developed by the life we live and the experiences and relationships we have.  As our partners talk and interact with us, these interactions go through that lens, get distorted and we take that in.  Most of the time we are neutral about the information coming through this lens, sometimes we like what we see and sometimes it triggers us.

If you grew up in a house with a mom or a dad that was a clean freak who would get upset, yell or give out consequences if the dishes weren’t done, then as an adult you might get fearful when your partner shares an observation that the kitchen is messy.  Rather than seeing that as a neutral statement, or a chance to talk about how to keep the kitchen clean, you might go into defensiveness, blocking your partners statement with comments on their cleanliness, or lack thereof.  

If your older cousin was a die hard Trekkie, going to conventions and learning klingon then you might have a bias towards Star Trek.  Maybe that bias keeps you from being able to understand why your partner might like Star Wars.  When you innocently say to  your partner “Star Trek is better than Star Wars” and your partner disagrees, you might feel invalidated and tell yourself the story “they (your partner) just don’t respect me or my family”.  

Triggers, if left unchecked, can lead us to big misunderstandings where we tell ourselves stories about our self, our partner, our relationship.  These stories may or may not be true but when they are painful stories, they cause us to be defensive.

Take a moment and write down 3 triggers that show up and cause conflict in your relationship.  Write down your triggers, not your partners (although knowing their triggers is also important).  

Read through that list, notice how each trigger makes you feel.  Do you notice yourself getting angry, feeling tense in your body?  Does a trigger make you think of a certain painful or uncomfortable event?  Does a trigger make you tell a story about yourself and/or your worth?  Notice what comes up for you, try not to judge it.  

If you notice yourself getting triggered during a conversation with your partner, get curious.  Ask yourself “what am I feeling?”, “why am I feeling this way?”, “is this because of something my partner said or is it possibly reminding me of something else?”, “what story am I telling myself right now?”.  Getting curious about your trigger and your emotions can hep you to grow your awareness of your triggers.

As your awareness of your triggers grows, you can start to practice self soothing during conversations with your partner.  Some examples of self soothing are: focusing on breath, saying calming statements, taking a break from the conversation, asking your partner to go for a walk while you talk, or rewriting that story you are telling yourself (ex. “My partner doesn’t understand me” to “my partner is just sharing with me that they like watching Star Trek”).  

Self soothing helps you to stay in conversations longer with your partner, helping the two of you to start to resolve conflicts and misunderstandings more easily.

Does all this sound complicated?  It is.  If it were easy, you would have figured this out, made some changes, and the fighting with your partner would be seldom, if not non-existent.  

Couples therapy can help you and your partner to identify, talk about, understand, and learn how to manage your triggers so that when they show up in your relationship, they don’t take over.  

Begin Couples Counseling for relationship conflict in the Bay Area, California (Online/Virtually).

Couples counseling can help you and your relationship.

Helping couples communicate better and resolve conflict is not the only service we offer at Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT.  I am able to treat most couples concerns such as relationship unhappiness, affair recovery, co-parenting, and more.  I also meet with individuals and can support you through a variety of relationship and non-relationship concerns such as anxiety, self esteem, and moving beyond a break up.

Don’t go it alone, work with a trained and experienced couples therapist who can help you and your partner to heal from an affair.  Call today for a free 15 minute phone consultation (619)383-1900.

Can I Do Marriage Counseling Without My Spouse?

Can I Do Marriage Counseling Without My Spouse?

In an ideal world your spouse would be on board with working on your marriage. However, there are many reasons why your spouse or partner may be choosing to say “no” to marriage counseling. Most people have heard horror stories from friends or co-workers who report that each week they and their spouse would go into marriage counseling only to start a fight, have the therapist sit and observe, only to leave and continue the fight in the car on the way home. These stories can create fear that the issues between you and your partner can grow bigger if you go to therapy.

Other reasons your partner might not want to go to therapy; it’s scary to be vulnerable, they don’t know what to expect, they too are tired of the fighting and the way they cope with it is to withdraw, etc. Whatever their reason, it is best not to fight their need to stay out of counseling for the time being.

The fact that your spouse or partner doesn’t want to come to therapy doesn’t make it a deal breaker. You can work on the relationship, alone, in marriage counseling.

A trained couples therapist will be able to help you develop communication skills to decrease conflict, increase friendship and intimacy, and help you to find ways to start connect with your partner on a more frequent and consistent basis. You might also explore with your therapist your relationship patterns, attachment styles and triggers, and gain insight into how you and your personal history may be getting in the way of you having the marriage of your dreams. A trained couples therapist can also help you to learn how to navigate through transitions in relationships such as having a baby, your child leaving for college, partner becoming unemployed or getting a new job, moves, and much more.

Not sure you know what you want to work on but know that something in the relationship needs to change? Your therapist can help you figure out goals for therapy, what to expect from therapy and speak with you a little bit more about the direction of therapy and what to expect.

Most therapist’s will offer a free phone consultation before you schedule the session. This is a great time for you to talk a little bit about what is bringing you into therapy and a good opportunity for you to ask and find out how therapy might be able to help you and your relationship.

If you are interested in starting couples therapy or relationship therapy for yourself sent me an email. I am currently gathering a waiting list for anticipated open spots for January of 2020.

Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in the State of California and Missouri. Gwendolyn is a Level 3 Gottman trained therapist who specializes in helping couples to rebuild the friendship and spark in their relationship.

The Importance of Stating a Positive Need

A big part of work in couple’s counseling is learning how to communicate in a way that your partner can hear while learning to hear what your partner is saying to you. Often times couples come to therapy frustrated with each other because they know their is a problem with their communication but they just can’t seem to figure out what the problem is or how to fix it.

Couple’s often start therapy feeling distant from their partner, feeling like their partner has checked out, and feeling hopeless because their efforts to get their needs met have gone ignored or they feel like their partner isn’t acknowledging all the effort and changes they’ve made for their partner.

Picture this: You walk in the door after a long day. You’re tired, you need to feed the kids, you just can’t wait to slip on your sweats and relax in front of the TV. As you walk down the hallway you notice dirty socks on the ground, you go into the kitchen and once again your partner has left his breakfast dishes on the counter, you go into the front room and find your partner sitting on the couch watching TV and they look up from the TV and say “Hey babe, what’s for dinner?”. Your heart starts to race, your thoughts start to race “what’s wrong with him? Why can’t he do anything around the house?” You get mad, you are tired, and you explode “What am I? The maid? Get up off your ass and make dinner.” Your partner, hurt, goes into the kitchen and quietly starts making something to eat. You feel like a jerk and retreat to the bedroom. You come out a few minutes later, changed into your comfy clothes and offer a meek apology followed by a “I need you to stop leaving the dishes on the counter”. Your partner hears that you were angry about the dishes and focuses on putting the dishes in the sink.

A week later the scenario repeats itself but this time the dishes are in the sick. You explode again and this time you say “I need for you to stop being so lazy and start helping around the house”. Your partner hears your words but feels criticized. They weren’t able to really hear what it is you were telling them because they were so focused on feeling hurt. Instead of hearing what you really needed which was “I need some help. I’m tired.” They left the conversation feeling criticized.

If not fixed this cycle repeats itself over and over with the couple feeling pushed further and further apart. After awhile one person stops trying to make changes, the other stops asking for their needs to be met, and emotional intimacy becomes scarce, and when emotional intimacy becomes scarce.

In my last blog post which you can find here, I shared a strategy to help you and your partner start to really hear each other. Today I’m talking about how to communicate in a way that will help your partner better hear what it is you are communicating.

So what does a couple do when they are in the situation I outlined above? One strategy each person in the couple can work on is making sure they are communicating their needs in a way their partner can hear. A need is simply as it sounds, something we need from our partner. A need can be a chore such as “I need you to help me do the dishes each night after dinner” or a need can be emotional “I need you to listen when I talk about my stressful day at work”. A need can even be a physical act of care such as “I need a hug”.

Sometimes we aren’t clear on what our need is, like in my story above. The partner who got upset could have been mad about the socks on the ground, the dirty dishes, the assumption that they were going to make dinner, feeling tired and seeing their partner relaxing on the couch. Many things went into that partner feeling angry. To get clear on our needs we need to first take some space from our emotions. Before reacting to the emotion, for example anger, take a moment and ask your self; what am I thinking? what am I feeling? Try and get clear on why you are feeling upset with your partner. Don’t ignore the feeling. Once you understand why you got triggered, what you are feeling and what you need then it’s time to go talk to your partner about it.

When talking to your partner you may have the urge to tell him or her all the things you want them to stop doing. This is because we can see the things that drive us nuts like the dirty socks on the ground or the dishes that were left out. We want our partners to stop doing the things that make us crazy mad. When we state our needs in a negative way our partners feel criticized and they stop listening.

If you find yourself saying “Stop leaving your socks on the ground” you may try instead “Can you please pick your socks up in the hallway. You left a dirty pair there.”, or if you find yourself saying “Why don’t you cook dinner? I do it all the time” you may try “I am noticing that I feel overwhelmed by cooking us dinner most nights. Can you take over dinner a couple of nights a week?”

Look over the statements below. See if you can identify the need in the statement and practice changing the wording around a little so that the need is stated in a more positive way.

• How come I’m the only one that plans anything for this family?

• I need you to stop just sitting there when your mom is criticizing me.

• I need you to stop putting work before everything else.

What did you notice about the statements? Some sound like criticism, some sounds like needs.

In the first statement the need is “I need you to spend more time with the family”. To change that statement to a positive need you might try something like “I’d love a family day out. How about this Saturday we do something fun. Do you have any ideas for what we can do?”

In the second statement the person is feeling hurt and needing their partner to help set boundaries with their partners mom. To state that need positively you might say “It really makes me feel angry and sad when your mom criticizes me. I need for you to step in and ask your mom to stop when she is saying unkind things”.

In the third statement the partner is expressing the need for attention. To state that need positively you might say “I miss spending time with you. Can you scale back a little at work so that you are home in time for dinner each night?”

Learning to state needs in a positive way is very hard to master. Be kind and patient with yourself as you work on mastering this communication skill.

Working with me, Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I help couples to identify their communication challenges, relationship needs, and create a plan to address the couples unique needs. Whether as a couple or individual work, couples counseling or relationship counseling can have a positive impact on a relationship. You deserve to be happy, you deserve a loving relationship, call today to schedule your free 20 minute phone consultation to find out how couples therapy and relationship therapy can help you: 619-383-1900

A Simple Tool That Will Make a Huge Impact In Your Next Relationship Conflict

Most couples when they come to see me talk about their arguing, they just can’t seem to get beyond it, they don’t feel heard, and they feel like their partner just doesn’t get them. They keep having the same fights, talking about the same issues and getting no where. Often, by the time they make an appointment to see me one or both partners has shut down, stopped trying to communicate, resentment has set in and the couple is in a stalemate. In those situations we spend a lot of time in the early stages of therapy working on practicing putting down our own personal agendas and just listening to what our partner is trying to communicate.

If this sounds like you and your partner - read on to learn a tool that will help you and your partner better hear what the other person is trying to communicate.

1. Each person get’s a piece of paper or notebook to write on.

2. Decide who will be the listener first (each person will get a chance to practice speaking and listening).

3. Rules for the speaker: A) No blaming or criticizing your partner B) No “You” statements, practice using “I” statements. I feel ___ when ___. I need ___. C) State your needs positively. For example “I need you to help with the dishes after dinner” NOT “I need you to stop making such a big mess and leaving it for me to clean up”.

4. Rules for the listener: A) Set aside your agenda and just focus on what your partner is trying to communicate to you. If you find it is hard to set your agenda aside, remind yourself that you too will have a turn to speak. B) As the speaker talks, take notes. C) Tune into your partners emotions, what is it they are wanting you to understand and know about their feelings and their experiences? D) Offer validation and ask questions (if needed) to deepen your understanding of your partner’s needs. E) When your partner is done speaking, state back what you heard your partner communicating to you.

5. Switch, speaker is now listener and vice versa.

When you start off using this tool it might not feel natural to use the paper to take notes or you may notice that you are distracted by your partner taking notes. I encourage you to work through this. Writing notes has many benefits, it helps the listener to better process what is being said, it helps to defuse some tension which decreases emotional flooding, and it helps support the listener if they become flooded while stating back what they heard the speaker say.

The goal with this tool is not to have resolution or compromise, it is only to hear and understand what your partner is saying and to help your partner understand what you are saying.

Using this early on in conflict will help you and your partner avoid getting the the point of resentment and withdraw.

If you and your partner could use a little help with navigating through conflict, working with a trained Gottman couples therapist will help you to learn valuable communication skills to help you and your partner learn to fight in a constructive way. Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT is a level 2 Gottman trained therapist and will be completing level 3 in mid September. Gottman therapy is a scientifically backed couples therapy method that supports couples in building emotional connection, maintaining friendship, communicating needs, and working through conflict.

Why wait? Your relationship is worth the investment. Call today (619) 383-1900 to schedule your free 20 minute phone consultation or scroll to the bottom of the homepage and click the button to be taken to my online scheduler.

What to Do When You've Said Something Wrong During an Argument With Your Partner

You’ve been fighting for hours about the same thing. Your tired, your frustrated, your blood pressure is shooting through the roof, and you start yelling. What comes out is cruel, off topic, and so not helpful to resolving the fight. You feel bad, your partner is even more mad, and now the two of you have taken a step backwards in working through this fight.

We’ve all been there. When this happens it is painful for sure, but not impossible to fix.

When things become escalated during a conversations and you can see that it is going no where good you have some options - one option being to try and give a repair.

There are a couple of types of ways that you can give a repair to your partner after you’ve said something you regret or when you see that you words have escalated the fight.

1. Affection: Remind your partner you love them, offer them some reassurance. Often times when we are in a fight we can have our fears triggered. Things like “they’re going to leave”, “they don’t love me”, “this is impossible, we can’t work through this” can come up and make it harder for our partners to work through conflict. Examples of affection include; “Hey, I love you and were going to get through this”, “I see that you are really trying to work this out with me, thank you”, “you are doing better with the dishes, thank you”.

2. Agreement: If your partner has successfully persuaded you in their argument, agree and move on. A simple statement like “true, you do have a good point” is often enough to move the conversation along towards resolution.

3. Compromise: Try and meet your partner part of the way towards their needs and see if they are willing to compromise to meet your need. To do a compromise, you need to be in the position to be able to understand your partners point of view and what they need. Example of a compromise: Partner 1: “You spend all day at softball, we never do anything on the weekends because of that”. Partner 2: “That’s not true, we have all day Saturday to do chores and grocery shop”. Partner 1: “Exactly! How is that time together?” Partner 2: “I see what you are saying. How about I pick up the groceries on Thursday night, and we come up with some kind of chore system where we get the chores done little by little throughout the week. Then we can have Saturday together.”

4. Defining the Conflict: It is not uncommon for one person or both partners to get lost in a conflict. With emotions, defenses, and issues that keep popping in and out of a conflict it can feel as if the 2 of you are talking about 2 different things. When things get heated in a fight it can help to take a pause and define the conflict. Example: “I just want to check in and make sure I understand why you are upset. You’re upset because ____. Is that correct?”

5. Guarding: This is when the conflict has risen to a point where one partner is feeling as if the other is approaching dangerous territory. Guarding can be used to gently set a boundary - “Careful, you know I get mad when you talk about my mom”.

6. Humor: Always a good thing. Humor can be used to laugh at the situation. Never laugh at your partner.

7. Making Promises: Make a promise to try and work on the issue. For example, if the issue is housework, say “How about I try and work on doing the dishes each night. It would help me too if you reminded me to take out the trash because I forget”.

When doing couples therapy I often work with couples on identifying moments, signs that their partners give them that let each partner know that the conversation or conflict is heading in a bad direction - one where resolution might not happen. I then work with the couple to help them identify helpful repair strategies, strategies that their partner might be most receptive too. I work with the couple to help them understand that it is each persons responsibility to help manage the flow of conflict, help their partner to manage emotions, and to work towards resolution. Repair attempts are just one of many strategies that couples can work on in therapy.

Start working on your relationship today! For a free phone consultation call (619)383-1900 or go to the homepage, scroll to the bottom of the page and click the link to schedule your free phone consultation.

How to find the right couples therapist

It’s unfortunate, the frequency with which one of my client’s tells me they had a bad experience with a couples therapist. It takes a lot of courage to go to couples therapy and by the time most couples decide to go to therapy they are at a point of desperation, they just want the relationship to get better.

Finding a couples therapist that matches your needs takes a bit of work. First, if you were hoping to use your insurance for couples therapy, most insurance plans will not cover a couples therapy session. This is because in order to use your insurance the service has to be medically necessary. Insurance does not view your relationship as a medically necessary issue to cover. For this reason alone I suggest that people do not call their insurance companies for a list of referrals to therapists.

Before calling any therapist take a moment and think about what you hope to get from going to couples therapy. Do you want to learn how to work through conflict? Are you feeling emotionally disconnected from your partner? Is your relationship recovering from an affair or breach of trust? Get clear on your needs before calling.

Next, decide what type of therapist you are looking for. There are 2 main schools of couples therapy (there are plenty more but in general therapists tend to fall into one of these two) Gottman Couples Therapy and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. The way I think about Gottman is that it is skills based and focuses on helping couples to improve communication, learn skills, build friendship, trust and respect. Emotionally focused couples therapy focuses on attachment wounds and helping couples to heal and connect with their partner. Both are great, both have their merits, its just a matter of which one is a better fit for your needs. Click here to read a blog I wrote on the differences between Gottman and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy.

To find a therapist there are a lot of great search directories out there. One of my favorites is Therapy Den. One of the reasons that I like them is because they give back. They take a portion of the fees that therapist’s pay to be listed on their site and they donate it to organizations such as Planned Parenthood and the Trevor Project. One of the largest therapist directories out there is Psychology Today. This is a great site to use if you want to try and use your insurance as it lets you filter out your options by insurance companies. However you can also do this on Therapy Den. If you are interested in a Gottman trained therapist, the Gottman Referral Network will help you find a therapist that is trained in the Gottman Method.

When you’re ready, start calling or emailing therapists and set up a phone consultation. Most therapists will offer a free 15 minute phone consultation to discuss how they work and to answer any questions you might have. When I conduct my phone sessions I reserve a little bit of time to hear what is going on, why you are looking into therapy, I share with you my method (Gottman) and talk about what I see us working on together if you decided to book a session with me. I also save time to answer any questions you might have.

Some Questions To Ask During Your Initial Consultation

1. Do you have special training in couples therapy? If so, what.

2. Do you practice Gottman or Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy?

3. What would we work on in therapy?

4. I’ve heard that couples therapy can cause an increase in fighting, what should we expect in therapy and what should we do if we find ourselves fighting a lot?

5. How can you help us?

When you do therapy with me, Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I use Gottman Couples Therapy. I focus on helping couples to rebuild their friendship, enjoy their time together, and I help couples learn valuable communication skills to help them work through conflict in a productive way. If you are interested in Couples Therapy or Individual Relationship Therapy go to the homepage of this website and click on the button at the bottom of the page to schedule your initial consultation.

Gottman or EFT? Which one will save my marriage?

We’ve all heard those nightmare stories from our friends about those couples who went and the therapist only made it worse.

The reality is that going to couples therapy does bring up unresolved issues.  It does sometimes mean that things get worse before they get better. That’s why finding a trained couples therapist is so important.

With couples therapy there are 2 main modes of treatment; Gottman Couple’s Therapy and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT).  Both treatment approaches have their merits and both are backed by science.

Gottman Therapy

John and Julie Gottman are psycho-therapist’s in Seattle, Washington.  John Gottman has been researching couples for many years, even decades and can predict the success of a marriage with 90% + accuracy.

Gottman couples therapy is based on the Sound Relationship House framework.  The Sound Relationship House is like the layers of a relationship, at the foundation is what Gottman refers to as Love Maps - knowing your partner, the next layer is Fondness and Admiration.  The Sound Relationship House builds up from the foundation to managing conflict to eventually building shared meaning. Simply put, you need a good foundation to create a life of shared meaning.  That is why at the bottom of the Sound Relationship House you’ll find Love Maps (knowing your partner) and Fondness and Admiration. When the shit hits the fan you need to know and like your partner in order to stick it out with your partner.

Gottman couples therapy relies heavily on skill building.  With Gottman couples therapy the therapist helps to create an environment which in the early stages of therapy helps build that fondness and admiration.  In the mid to later stages of therapy the therapist takes on more of a coach role, educating couples on communication skills and strategies and then coaching the couple as they work to use these newly learned skills.  

With Gottman Couples Therapy couples leave the therapy session with skills they can start using right away that help them to start to work through conflict and decrease fighting.

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy

Sue Johnson is the creator of emotionally focused couples therapy (EFT).  EFT is based attachment theory and helps couples to create a more secure attachment with each other.

The idea behind EFT is that we all respond to emotions and some of our responses are rooted in fear and defenses.  Our attachment wounds and attachment styles impact how we respond to emotions. Our partners have the capacity to trigger attachment wounds, emotional defenses and fearful responses.  EFT works with couples to help them learn how to re-organize their emotional responses which creates a new way of relating with your partner.

Both of these methods have been shown to be important in helping couples to work through relationship difficulties.  Both methods have been shown to help couples to decrease fighting in the relationship.  

When you come to me, Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT, for couples therapy you will get couples therapy from a trained couples therapist.

When selecting training for treating couples I was drawn towards Gottman because of the science that backs it.  While both are rooted in data and science, Gottman spoke to the more logic and data driven side of me. As a therapist who married a scientist I love facts, figures, rules, and things I know work.  

I know how important your relationship and your family is to you.  

Call (619) 383-1900 today to schedule your free 15 minute phone consultation to find out how Couples Therapy with me, may be able to help your relationship.

Is your partner resistant to couples therapy?  No problem, relationship therapy can be done through individual therapy.  Call (619) 383-1900 today to schedule your free 15 minute phone consultation to find out how individual therapy may be able to help your relationship.