The Number One Reason Couple's Fail in Couple's Therapy

When things aren’t working in a relationship it is easy to see how our partner has hurt us. Our focus is turned outward, noticing all the ways in which our partner’s haven’t shown up for us, haven’t expressed care, have let us down or been difficult or started fights with us. It’s easy to see how the other person is doing all the wrong things. We can start to have thoughts like “If only they would stop being so sensitive”, “If only they could focus on my emotions more”, “They don’t care for me, they can’t even sit and listen to me”. The narrative and pain is all abut what the other person did to us.

During the individual assessment session (Click Here to Read More About That) I sometimes hear “I need you to fix ___ about my partner” or “I need you to tell them to stop ____”. When I hear these types of statements it’s a sign to me that in order for the couple to do the real work of couples therapy, at least one of the partners needs to open up to exploring their role in the problematic relationship dynamics.

Couples therapy works under the the assumption that the couple is a system and that the system isn’t functioning well. It’s not one person who is at fault, it’s how the couple interacts, how they work together, that is at fault. This can be a hard concept for some people to understand because they’ve been in pain for so long that their brain has started to wire itself to the story “my partner is to blame”.

Couple’s where one or both partners lack the ability to do self exploration AND they aren’t open to exploring how they may have contributed to the relationship problem are doomed to fail. The inability or unwillingness to open up and look at your own behaviors creates an unequal dynamic in the relationship, where one person is placed in the position of carrying the greater effort of doing the work. When these dynamics have played out in my couples therapy practice, I see the person being blamed eventually burning out and becoming resentful. Feeling like their efforts are never good enough, that the other person can’t be satisfied, they began to disengage from the work and neither partner puts in the effort.

As you are reading this I’m sure you are thinking of some scenarios where one person is absolutely to blame for the couples unhappiness. For example, affairs. It seems easy to say that the person that cheated is the cause of the relationship problems. The person who cheated made a choice that is harmful to the relationship and they should make amends for that decision. However, the decision to cheat came from dysfunction that was already present in the relationship. To learn more about how this principle applies to affair recovery (click here)

Couples who start therapy with the inability to self reflect on their role in the relationship unhappiness are not doomed. This is a skill that can be learned. Many couples start couples therapy in this fame of mind but with some support and guidance, they are able to start to see how their actions contribute to the problem.

To start working on building this skill try asking yourself the following questions after a conflict: why was my partner upset? Did I do anything that caused them to be upset or contributed to them being upset? Did my actions or words cause the conflict to get worse? Is there anything I could have done to de-escalate the problem?

When you do couples therapy with me, Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Berkeley, California, you will go through a thorough assessment before even starting the work. This assessment helps me to be able to identify some of the stuck points that you and your partner might be facing, such as mindset. With this information, I am able to craft a plan to support you and your partner in starting to do the work of healing problematic relationship dynamics.

It is possible to have the relationship of your dreams, to heal your pain, and to grow as an individual in the relationship as well as to grow as a couple. Email today to set up a time to talk about how therapy may be able to help you and your partner heal your relationship.

3 Types of Conflict Attitudes

In my work as a marriage and family therapist I’ve found that there are 3 distinct types of conflict attitudes. There is the conflict comfortable (aka conflict neutral), conflict avoidant, and people who seem to seek out and relish conflict.

Most of my client’s describe themselves as being conflict avoidant. When issues come up in their relationship, at work, with family or friends, they look the other way. People who are conflict avoidant may even feel that they are afraid of conflict, seeing it as uncontrollable, something with no resolution or positive outcome for them. People who are conflict avoidant often live by the belief that if they don’t bring up an issue, then it will just go away. The problem is, issues seldom go away unless they are dealt with. In conflict they can withdraw, stonewall, or become dissociated. At times, when in conflict they can become very angry, lashing out, saying things they don’t mean, and at times become verbally attacking of their partners.

Conflict seekers seem to enjoy the rush of adrenaline they receive when in conflict. They can push their partners buttons, not respect boundaries, look for things to get angry about. Often times the conflict seekers are reactive to their emotions, going for 0-100 in a couple of seconds. In relationships, conflict seekers can push their partner away, seeming to have a never ending list of complaints or needs that their partner is able to meet. Conflict seekers tend to have a hard time with self soothing and regulating emotions. This can be problematic when they are trying to resolve a conflict with their partner as their partner feels that they are consistently met with resistance.

Conflict neutral people are comfortable with conflict. Conflict isn’t good or bad, it’s just a necessary part of being in relationship with others. Conflict neutral people tend to have a good understanding of their emotions, good at self soothing and regulating their emotions, and often times are good communicators. The conflict neutral people are comfortable listening to their partners emotions and needs, and they themselves are comfortable stating their emotions and needs. Conflict neutral people often times report that they have success resolving conflict with others.

Do you see yourself in any of the above listed conflict attitudes? Which one stands out most to you? Is it helpful or hurtful in your relationship? What about your partner, what is their conflict attitude? What have you noticed about their conflict attitude and how it either helps or hurts you two when you are in conflict?

If you are struggling in conflict in your relationship, couples therapy may be able to help.

When doing therapy with Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT, a trained couples therapist, you will be guided through the process of identifying your conflict patterns, gain insight into how those patterns either help or hurt your relationship and you’ll learn new ways of communicating and relating to one another.

If your partner doesn’t want to attend couples therapy, no problem. You can gain a lot of skills working one on one with a therapist that may help resolve your relationship problems. Often times once our partners see us making changes, they become motivated to join in on the change process.

Call today to schedule a free 20 minute phone consultation to find out how therapy may be able to help you improve your relationship.

Why can't I just talk to my friend? Why go to a therapist?

Why can’t I just talk to my friend (or mom, or sister, or partner)? Why go to a therapist?

Great question!  Talking to a friend, sister, or partner sometimes is enough.  But sometimes it just doesn’t cut it. When things are really challenging and the struggle has been going on for a long time, leaning on friends and family may not be the best way to work through your problems.    So why can’t you just talk to your friend, partner, sister?

First, your friend, sister, partner, mom can’t be impartial.  These are people in your life who know you very well. When you talk to them about your stress, your depression, your anxiety, it is impossible for them to be impartial.  A therapist can provide you with a safe space to explore your feelings, gain insight into what is going on, why it is going on, and can help you to identify a clear path towards feeling better.  Coming to therapy is not just about venting your problems, it’s about experiencing those feelings, learning to understand them, and working through them so that you can move on and put them in the past.  

Second, more than likely your friends and family will want to fix the problem for you.  That is wonderful, kind, and totally understandable. If I saw my friend or daughter hurting, I’d want to fix it too.  But if the problem was an easily fixed problem, you would have already done it. Going to therapy allows you space to really explore patterns in your relationships, in your moods and feelings.  Therapy helps you to gain clear insight into how some of your choices and actions are impacting your mood and feelings. Once patterns are identified and goals for feeling better are set, then the process of learning how to change some of those patterns starts.  There is never any guarantee with therapy, sometimes you feel worse before you feel better. A therapist can not promise you that you will feel better but most people that go to therapy report gaining some value from it.

Lastly, your pain may be too much for them to manage.  Think about it. When we witness someone we love struggling, it’s like a dagger to the heart.  Their pain becomes our pain. This is the same for your mom, your sister, your partner. It’s one thing to have a bad couple of days and to struggle.  But when a big problem comes up, a really tough one that you’ve maybe struggled with for a long time, a problem that brings you some deep pain, it may be a lot for your friends or family to keep holding that pain for you and with you.  A therapist is a person that is there to sit with you when you are going through tough situations and feelings. A therapist is a trained professional that knows how to walk with you into those dark places and have those tough conversations.  A therapist can hold space for you, hold your emotions and struggles, so that when you are with your partner or your family or your friends, you can really be present with them and enjoy them.

I’m not saying don’t talk to your friends and family.  In fact for many things friends and family are just the right amount of support, but sometimes people need a little more support.  

I offer a free 15 minute phone consultation and would be happy to talk with you about how I might be able to help.  Because I work online I am able to meet with clients all over California and Missouri. If you are located in California or Missouri and have been considering therapy call (619) 383-1900 or email gwendolyn@gwendolynnelsonterry.com to schedule your free 15 minute consultation.  

Tips for Talking to your Therapist

This week I am posting a link to a blog I was featured in on Thriveworks.  The blog normalizes some of the discomfort of starting therapy, sharing your story, and opening up to your therapist.  Towards the end of the blog are some tips I provide on how to prepare for your session and how to open up to your therapist.  I hope you find the information useful.

Here is a link to the blog http://thriveworks.com/blog/tips-open-honest-counselor/

If you have any questions or are curious about the therapy process, feel free to send me an email.  I love hearing from readers.  

Are you ready to start making some changes in your life?  Are you ready to start working on your happiness?  If so, I am opening a few extra slots to take on some new clients.  Call 619-383-1900 to schedule your session today or go to www.GwendolynNelsonTerry.com to find out more information about how therapy might be able to help you.

Drinking to cope with motherhood

I often work with women who are struggling with how to manage the stress that comes with being a mom, partner, employee, friend and much more.  Today women juggle more responsibilities and have more stress than any other generation before them. They feel pressure to be the perfect parent, bring in an income that allows for a nice house and to pay for their kids soccer and ballet lessons.  When at work they feel pressure to be home, when home they feel pressure to be the fun and sexy wife, when with their children they are worried about work. It feels that life is always moving, they are never where they “should” be, they are never doing enough and never feeling successful.  With all of this pressure it can be easy to turn to drinking as one tool to shut down the constant pressure that many women are feeling today.

It is possible for people to have a healthy relationship with alcohol and you might just be one of those people.  But for some women, drinking is becoming a normal tool to manage the stress that often comes along with raising children and trying to have a happy marriage.  Below is a short checklist of signs that you may be relying on drinking in order to manage stress.

__You drink more or for longer periods than you intended to.

__You have tried to stop drinking before but couldn’t.

__Drinking is starting to interfere with taking care of your family.

__Drinking more to get the desired effect (decreased stress, feeling relaxed, etc)

These are just a couple of signs that drinking may be becoming a problem.  

If you think you may be drinking to much try and stop for a week, see what happens and how you feel about your alcohol intake.  Notice what comes up for you during that week, was it hard? Easy? Did you enjoy more time with your kids or notice less arguing with your husband?  Or maybe you fought more with your husband and were on edge with the kids all week.

If you noticed that it was hard to give up drinking, therapy may be able to help.  Depending on your needs therapy may be able to help you manage your stress, decrease anxiety and depression, improve your relationship with your partner, family and friends, and to decrease your alcohol use.  

I would love to help you on your path towards feeling better.  To schedule an appointment call (619) 383-1900 or email gwendolyn@gwendolynnelsonterry.com

Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry is a licensed marriage and family therapist located in the Hillcrest neighborhood of San Diego, CA.