Why We Stay Stuck & How to Get Unstuck

“Change involves a surprising amount of loss, the familiar” - Lori Gottlieb

How is fear of change keeping you from moving forward in your life? How is it keeping you from creating the life you want? How is fear of change keeping you from achieving life goals? How is it holding you back from happiness?

A client I worked with a number of years back used to talk about changing jobs, sharing a desire to try a new field. Having worked in a mostly business environment their desire for a creative outlet was intense. They wanted to explore careers in the beauty industry, music, and teaching. However when it came time for us to talk about what was holding them back, why they weren’t able to try and take steps towards this change, they would often respond with “what if I hate it?”. A valid and reasonable concern. When we would talk about ways to answer that question, to try things out, to explore possibilities, they would come back week after week saying that they hadn’t done their therapy homework, hadn’t done the research, hadn’t looked at any possible jobs. The fear of change was so strong in them that they couldn’t even allow themselves to dream, or to even gather information about what was possible.

The reality was that for this client, changing jobs was a risk. When we pulled back the layers to look at what was holding them back they were able to see that they were afraid of getting into the new job and hating it, being bad at the new job, having to learn a new job to do, meeting new colleagues (what if I don’t like them or they’re annoying), the new commute, and much more. Rather than seeing the possibility with change, they saw all the changes that they would be making and immediately saw them as problems. With the “what if” game it often goes to worst case scenario. We can switch that thought around though and see possibilities. What if this client changed jobs and loved it, what if she was great at it and found her calling? What if the commute was shorter and allowed her more free time to pursue her passions? What if she found a new best friend in one of her colleagues?

My question to you - what is the familiar to you? What is it that you are trying to hold on to? Is the risk greater to stick with what you know, or try something new?

Not sure how you feel about the change you are looking at? Try this - write down the story you are currently telling yourself about change or lack there of. What do you notice about that story? Is there another way you can tell that story?

Are you facing a big change? Not sure how to navigate it or having some big feelings about the change? I, Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Berkeley California, often help people navigate the challenges that come with change. Some of the ways we might support you in navigating change are to first create more awareness around the habits or life circumstance you’d like to change. We might explore some of the patterns that you feel stuck in and help you identify the ways in which your choices may be keeping you stuck in feeling unhappy. Along with exploring choices, therapy can help you to better understand your values, your emotions, and what it is you really want. With clarity, an understanding of emotions, and with a better understanding of yourself, you can start to feel more confident, feel better about yourself. Call today to learn more about how therapy might help you to start feeling better.

Taking in the Good

Taking in the good means to pause and sit with a positive emotion for as long as you can. When you pause to take in the good you are letting your brain really soak up all that goodness and you are helping your brain to rewire itself to start taking in more good.

To take in the good we need to be mindful of our thoughts, feelings, and the ways that our brain and body communicate our emotions to us. If you are a busy person, this skill might not come so easily for you. To start getting into the habit of noticing your thoughts and feelings you can practice doing what’s called a body scan. To do a body scan you would close your eyes, or if you aren’t comfortable closing your eyes try sitting and focusing on your feet, the floor or a neutral object in front of you. Take a few deep breaths and try and tune into your body. Starting at the top of your head and moving down to your toes notice what is happening inside your body. Are you noticing any tension in your forehead, neck or shoulders? Is your heart racing? How does your gut feel? Notice without judgement they ways that your body is communicating to you. After you’ve done your body scan take one more minute and ask yourself “what am I thinking?”, “what am I feeling”. Notice what comes up for you. Don’t judge what comes up, just notice. You may want to record what you notice in a journal to refer back to. Over time and with practice you’ll start to understand your emotions with greater clarity and you will notice those moments where you should stop and take in the good.

Need more support tuning into your emotions or with rewiring your brain to notice the good? Therapy is a great place to start learning about your emotions and yourself. In my practice, Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT I help clients to use the information that they gather from their body and brain to start making sense of their emotions, start rewiring their brain so that they experience less anxiety and less depression, and I help client’s to learn skills that they can use right away to start experiencing less anxiety and depression.

Call or email today and schedule a free 20 minute phone consultation to find out how therapy can help you to start feeling better. (619)383-1900 or gwendolyn@gwendolynnelsonterry.com

Is it ever OK to comment on someone's weight?

A client recently asked me “is it ever OK to talk to someone about their weight?”.  We had been discussing her feelings around her body and the messages that she received as a kid growing up.  This client was in the process of trying to understand how her parents apparent concern for her health had set her up for a lifetime of believing that her body was wrong.  If she couldn’t receive this message from her parents, could she receive it from anyone else?

The answer to the question “is it ever OK to talk to someone about their weight?” is long and complicated.  The short answer is no, it is never OK to talk with someone about their weight.

By talking to someone about their weight you are assigning value to that person's body based on its size.  A comment of “You look so good! Did you lose weight?” sends the message to a person that them being attractive is dependent on the size of their body.  

In turn a comment of “What happened to you?  I thought you were doing Weight Watchers” sends the message that they are not capable of managing their food and that their body screams “I can’t control myself around food”.  

Even if your comment is rooted in the desire to give a complement, think before you speak.  If you want to give a complement, what can you say that doesn’t involve their body? Sharing an appreciation for their friendship, sharing a fond memory, or talking about how important they are to you will go a lot further than a comment about their weight.

If you are genuinely concerned about the person and their weight first ask yourself if it is your place to bring up this issue.  Chances are this person is already aware of their weight struggle. They probably have already had a well meaning friend or family member comment on their weight.  They are probably already struggling with shame. Society is not subtle in its messaging to people about their bodies and their sizes.  

Check your assumptions.  Is your comment about their weight rooted in the belief that something is wrong with them.  That their weight equals a mental health concern, a lack of control, or some other issue that you don’t know to be true.  

Before speaking to someone about their weight, ask yourself what your real concern is.  A common one I hear is “I’m worried they’re depressed, they’ve gained so much weight”. Yes, sometimes people eat emotionally.  However not everyone does. The concern in that statement is not about the person’s weight. The real concern is they are depressed.  Rather than talking to the person about their weight a more effective approach would be to talk with them about the underlying concern, “I’m worried you’re depressed.  You just don’t seem happy”. Commenting on a person’s weight is more likely to add to any emotional burden that they may or may not be struggling with and is more likely to shut them down and close off communication.

In my practice I speak with many women of all shapes and sizes who have learned at one point or another that something is wrong with their body.  I work with women to unravel those stories that they have heard and sometimes created about themselves and their bodies. I help them to work through their fear of being seen in the world and help them to find value, confidence, compassion and self love for the person they are today.

Are you ready to start feeling good again?  Call today and schedule a free 15 minute phone consultation to learn more about therapy might be able to help you with your own relationship with your body.