Why We Stay Stuck & How to Get Unstuck

“Change involves a surprising amount of loss, the familiar” - Lori Gottlieb

How is fear of change keeping you from moving forward in your life? How is it keeping you from creating the life you want? How is fear of change keeping you from achieving life goals? How is it holding you back from happiness?

A client I worked with a number of years back used to talk about changing jobs, sharing a desire to try a new field. Having worked in a mostly business environment their desire for a creative outlet was intense. They wanted to explore careers in the beauty industry, music, and teaching. However when it came time for us to talk about what was holding them back, why they weren’t able to try and take steps towards this change, they would often respond with “what if I hate it?”. A valid and reasonable concern. When we would talk about ways to answer that question, to try things out, to explore possibilities, they would come back week after week saying that they hadn’t done their therapy homework, hadn’t done the research, hadn’t looked at any possible jobs. The fear of change was so strong in them that they couldn’t even allow themselves to dream, or to even gather information about what was possible.

The reality was that for this client, changing jobs was a risk. When we pulled back the layers to look at what was holding them back they were able to see that they were afraid of getting into the new job and hating it, being bad at the new job, having to learn a new job to do, meeting new colleagues (what if I don’t like them or they’re annoying), the new commute, and much more. Rather than seeing the possibility with change, they saw all the changes that they would be making and immediately saw them as problems. With the “what if” game it often goes to worst case scenario. We can switch that thought around though and see possibilities. What if this client changed jobs and loved it, what if she was great at it and found her calling? What if the commute was shorter and allowed her more free time to pursue her passions? What if she found a new best friend in one of her colleagues?

My question to you - what is the familiar to you? What is it that you are trying to hold on to? Is the risk greater to stick with what you know, or try something new?

Not sure how you feel about the change you are looking at? Try this - write down the story you are currently telling yourself about change or lack there of. What do you notice about that story? Is there another way you can tell that story?

Are you facing a big change? Not sure how to navigate it or having some big feelings about the change? I, Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Berkeley California, often help people navigate the challenges that come with change. Some of the ways we might support you in navigating change are to first create more awareness around the habits or life circumstance you’d like to change. We might explore some of the patterns that you feel stuck in and help you identify the ways in which your choices may be keeping you stuck in feeling unhappy. Along with exploring choices, therapy can help you to better understand your values, your emotions, and what it is you really want. With clarity, an understanding of emotions, and with a better understanding of yourself, you can start to feel more confident, feel better about yourself. Call today to learn more about how therapy might help you to start feeling better.

Taking in the Good

Taking in the good means to pause and sit with a positive emotion for as long as you can. When you pause to take in the good you are letting your brain really soak up all that goodness and you are helping your brain to rewire itself to start taking in more good.

To take in the good we need to be mindful of our thoughts, feelings, and the ways that our brain and body communicate our emotions to us. If you are a busy person, this skill might not come so easily for you. To start getting into the habit of noticing your thoughts and feelings you can practice doing what’s called a body scan. To do a body scan you would close your eyes, or if you aren’t comfortable closing your eyes try sitting and focusing on your feet, the floor or a neutral object in front of you. Take a few deep breaths and try and tune into your body. Starting at the top of your head and moving down to your toes notice what is happening inside your body. Are you noticing any tension in your forehead, neck or shoulders? Is your heart racing? How does your gut feel? Notice without judgement they ways that your body is communicating to you. After you’ve done your body scan take one more minute and ask yourself “what am I thinking?”, “what am I feeling”. Notice what comes up for you. Don’t judge what comes up, just notice. You may want to record what you notice in a journal to refer back to. Over time and with practice you’ll start to understand your emotions with greater clarity and you will notice those moments where you should stop and take in the good.

Need more support tuning into your emotions or with rewiring your brain to notice the good? Therapy is a great place to start learning about your emotions and yourself. In my practice, Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT I help clients to use the information that they gather from their body and brain to start making sense of their emotions, start rewiring their brain so that they experience less anxiety and less depression, and I help client’s to learn skills that they can use right away to start experiencing less anxiety and depression.

Call or email today and schedule a free 20 minute phone consultation to find out how therapy can help you to start feeling better. (619)383-1900 or gwendolyn@gwendolynnelsonterry.com

Going to the Doctors for Anti-Depression Medication

Life is challenging, no doubt about it.  Moving, loss of job, having children, children leaving the house, changes in relationships, changes in hormones due to pregnancy or menopause...all things that have the potential to send us into depression.  

By the time we are adults most of us have had some experience with depression, we know the feeling and we know how deeply it can pull a person down.  More often than not some lifestyle changes, rest, or putting something fun on the calendar can pull us out of depression. When those things don’t work we reach out to a therapist for support.  A therapist is a great place to start if you are having symptoms of depression. A therapist can assess your symptoms of depression, diagnose you with depression, and help you to start working on feeling better.  

Often times a therapist will refer a client to their doctor to rule out any biological contributions.  This means that the therapist is encouraging you to check in with your doctor to see if your depression is hormonal related, bio-chemically related, or if you can benefit from antidepressant medication.  Taking anti-depressants is a personal decision that is entirely up to you. I always encourage my client’s to gather as much information as possible before making a decision and feel that knowing all of your options is always best.

What happens when you go to the doctor for depression medication?

Each doctor is going to have a different protocol but in general you doctor will ask you about your symptoms to assess how much you are struggling with depression.  

Some questions that your doctor may ask you are:

• Over the past 2 weeks have you struggled with a loss of interest in doing things you once enjoyed?

• Over the past 2 weeks how often have you had feelings of hopelessness, depression, or feeling down?

• Have you had trouble staying asleep or sleeping to much?

• Have you had difficulty concentrating?

As uncomfortable as it might be I encourage you to answer these questions as truthfully as possible.  Giving your doctor the full picture of how you are feeling will help your doctor identify the best way to help you.  

At this point your doctor may feel that they have enough information to provide you with a prescription.  Sometimes a doctor will take a blood sample to check for increase or decreased hormone levels, hypothyroidism, anemia, or low vitamin D.  

Some questions to ask your doctor about antidepressants?

• What are the side effects of this prescription?

• What should I do if I decide I can’t handle the side effects?

• How will I know if the antidepressant is working?

• How long before I start to notice a change in my depression?

Getting the right antidepressant medication is a process.  Often times the initial prescription or dosage is not the right fit for the client.  Be patient, keep an open dialogue with your doctor.

If you are seeing a therapist during this time, make sure that you inform your therapist of the medication you are taking as it might change your treatment plan in therapy.

Depression doesn’t have to be a life long struggle. You absolutely can feel happy again. Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT can help you to get to the root of your depression and anxiety, find hope again, and to start feeling better so that you can get back to enjoying your life.

Call (619) 383-1900 or click the link on the homepage to schedule your free 15 minute phone consultation today.

Signs of Depression

I think I have depression but I’m not sure.

Let me start this blog by saying all feelings are normal.  All of them. Sadness, anger, frustration, fear, anxiety, happiness, joy...all normal.  For this reason, to some extent depression is normal too. Short periods of depression for say a couple of hours, a day or two, even sometimes up to a week is normal.  Knowing the signs and symptoms of depression can help you decide when it is time to reach out for support from your doctor or a trained therapist.

Difficulty getting out of bed:  This goes beyond the “I’m tired and want to press the snooze button” feeling that we all get from time to time.  This could mean that you can’t physically get out of bed but you are also not tired. This could mean that you feel stuck in bed.  Difficulty getting out of bed can also mean you are tired and want to sleep longer. One of my clients described her experience to me as the bed being a magnet that is holding down every part of her body; alert, present, but not able to physically peel herself out of bed.

Sleeping too much or difficulty staying asleep:  Depression is exhausting. Everything takes so much effort.  Getting out of bed, brushing your hair, making it to work or school is a huge accomplishment.  Sleeping more often because you are tired or trying to escape your life is a symptom of depression.  

Difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep is also a symptom of depression.  It is not uncommon for depression and anxiety to go hand in hand. Sometimes the difficulty in sleeping is due to being anxious that you won’t sleep, sometimes it is due to the distress of having depression, sometimes it is due to your sleep schedule being off from overcompensating for being tired.  

Irritability, being short with your friends and family and feeling like you have no patience.  It has been my experience that irritability tends to show up primarily in low level, long term depression.  This is because the person has been unhappy with life for awhile, is feeling stuck, and as the depression wears on, their patience for life and for people begins to wear down.  

Feelings of low self esteem, guilt, worthlessness.  When a person is depressed they can get down on themselves for the things they aren’t doing.  They might start to feel worthless, guilty, and useless because they can’t show up to life in the way that they did before their depression.  If they used to cook dinner every night for their family but now can’t because of their depression they might start to have thoughts like “I’m worthless.  I’m the worst mom. I can’t believe I’m doing this to my kids and partner”.

These are just a few symptoms of depression.  When you meet with a therapist they will ask questions about your symptoms to get a full picture of how you are struggling.  It can take a few sessions for your therapist to understand what you are dealing with, the way that your life is being impacted, and how/where the depression comes from.  

It’s OK and appropriate for you to ask your therapist how they can help you, how therapy will help you to start to feel better.

When people make an appointment with me, Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT I end the first session by sharing with that person my clinical insights.  This means that I share with them trends I notice like depression or anxiety, I talk about my approach to treating their issue, I talk about initial goals for helping them to start feeling better and I answer any questions they might have.  Doing this for my clients helps for us to define a path for them to start feeling better, it helps them to make an informed decision about how to spend their time and money, and it helps the client to determine if I am the right therapist for their specific need.

To schedule a free 15 minute phone consultation go to my website: www.GwendolynNelsonTerry.com.  If you’re ready to schedule your first appointment call 619-383-1900 or email me at gwendolyn@gwendolynnelsonterry.com