Valentine's Day Every Day: A Blog Post On Building Gratitude In Your Relationship

I’ve never really been one for Valentine’s Day. It always struck me as odd that we would save all of our appreciations for one day out of the year. I don’t know about you but in my relationship, I want to feel like most days are like Valentine’s Day.

In my therapy practice, both with couples and individuals, I do a lot of work on setting reasonable expectations. It seems to me that the expectations are not reasonable for Valentine’s Day. It’s built up to be this amazing day, full of flowers, chocolate, an amazing date, and unfiltered words of affirmation for the entire day. Perhaps a more reasonable expectation for the day is a hug from your loved one, a sweet gesture such as you doing the dishes, them returning the gesture, then some purposeful time together (whatever that looks like for your relationship).

One thing that Covid has made abundantly clear is that we don’t know what the next moment holds, we can’t take things or people for granted and that their are many, many unknowns out there. Knowing how precious each moment is, knowing how important our relationships are, every day we should should be striving for gratitude in those relationships; mom, sister, partner, friends, daughters, sons, all relationships.

One way we can work on building up that gratitude, strengthening the muscle of not taking people for granted is through a modified gratitude practice. For the week, choose one relationship - doesn’t matter who it is. Each day, before bed think of 3 things about that person that you are grateful for. It can be an action they performed, words they said, the way they looked at you, a joke they told, a hug they gave, how they look in their PJ’s. Think of 3 things about that person that you are grateful for. Challenge yourself to come up with 3 unique things every day for one week. Sometimes the gratitude with repeat itself, try not to get hung up on that. At the end of the week, share that list with your partner or whom ever you chose for this practice.

How did it feel to focus on why you are grateful for that person?

How did they respond when you shared your list?

Did you notice any changes in the relationship since starting this gratitude practice?

Have you noticed any changes in yourself?

While not a Gottman strategy, it does touch upon a Gottman skill and a level of the Sound Relationship House. By focusing on your gratitude, carving out moments to be purposefully grateful, you are strengthening the level of the House called fondness and admiration. You are also working on undoing any negative sentiment override you and your relationship might be experiencing. Negative sentiment override is when we have too many negative experiences in our relationship, our brain starts to get wired to see and notice only the negative. By focusing on the good, our eyes open more to the positives in our relationship.

Every day can be Valentine’s Day when you are working on being more present, mindful, attuned to the relationship, and grateful for what your partner (or any loved one) brings to your life.

Taking in the Good

Taking in the good means to pause and sit with a positive emotion for as long as you can. When you pause to take in the good you are letting your brain really soak up all that goodness and you are helping your brain to rewire itself to start taking in more good.

To take in the good we need to be mindful of our thoughts, feelings, and the ways that our brain and body communicate our emotions to us. If you are a busy person, this skill might not come so easily for you. To start getting into the habit of noticing your thoughts and feelings you can practice doing what’s called a body scan. To do a body scan you would close your eyes, or if you aren’t comfortable closing your eyes try sitting and focusing on your feet, the floor or a neutral object in front of you. Take a few deep breaths and try and tune into your body. Starting at the top of your head and moving down to your toes notice what is happening inside your body. Are you noticing any tension in your forehead, neck or shoulders? Is your heart racing? How does your gut feel? Notice without judgement they ways that your body is communicating to you. After you’ve done your body scan take one more minute and ask yourself “what am I thinking?”, “what am I feeling”. Notice what comes up for you. Don’t judge what comes up, just notice. You may want to record what you notice in a journal to refer back to. Over time and with practice you’ll start to understand your emotions with greater clarity and you will notice those moments where you should stop and take in the good.

Need more support tuning into your emotions or with rewiring your brain to notice the good? Therapy is a great place to start learning about your emotions and yourself. In my practice, Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT I help clients to use the information that they gather from their body and brain to start making sense of their emotions, start rewiring their brain so that they experience less anxiety and less depression, and I help client’s to learn skills that they can use right away to start experiencing less anxiety and depression.

Call or email today and schedule a free 20 minute phone consultation to find out how therapy can help you to start feeling better. (619)383-1900 or gwendolyn@gwendolynnelsonterry.com