Why We Stay Stuck & How to Get Unstuck

“Change involves a surprising amount of loss, the familiar” - Lori Gottlieb

How is fear of change keeping you from moving forward in your life? How is it keeping you from creating the life you want? How is fear of change keeping you from achieving life goals? How is it holding you back from happiness?

A client I worked with a number of years back used to talk about changing jobs, sharing a desire to try a new field. Having worked in a mostly business environment their desire for a creative outlet was intense. They wanted to explore careers in the beauty industry, music, and teaching. However when it came time for us to talk about what was holding them back, why they weren’t able to try and take steps towards this change, they would often respond with “what if I hate it?”. A valid and reasonable concern. When we would talk about ways to answer that question, to try things out, to explore possibilities, they would come back week after week saying that they hadn’t done their therapy homework, hadn’t done the research, hadn’t looked at any possible jobs. The fear of change was so strong in them that they couldn’t even allow themselves to dream, or to even gather information about what was possible.

The reality was that for this client, changing jobs was a risk. When we pulled back the layers to look at what was holding them back they were able to see that they were afraid of getting into the new job and hating it, being bad at the new job, having to learn a new job to do, meeting new colleagues (what if I don’t like them or they’re annoying), the new commute, and much more. Rather than seeing the possibility with change, they saw all the changes that they would be making and immediately saw them as problems. With the “what if” game it often goes to worst case scenario. We can switch that thought around though and see possibilities. What if this client changed jobs and loved it, what if she was great at it and found her calling? What if the commute was shorter and allowed her more free time to pursue her passions? What if she found a new best friend in one of her colleagues?

My question to you - what is the familiar to you? What is it that you are trying to hold on to? Is the risk greater to stick with what you know, or try something new?

Not sure how you feel about the change you are looking at? Try this - write down the story you are currently telling yourself about change or lack there of. What do you notice about that story? Is there another way you can tell that story?

Are you facing a big change? Not sure how to navigate it or having some big feelings about the change? I, Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Berkeley California, often help people navigate the challenges that come with change. Some of the ways we might support you in navigating change are to first create more awareness around the habits or life circumstance you’d like to change. We might explore some of the patterns that you feel stuck in and help you identify the ways in which your choices may be keeping you stuck in feeling unhappy. Along with exploring choices, therapy can help you to better understand your values, your emotions, and what it is you really want. With clarity, an understanding of emotions, and with a better understanding of yourself, you can start to feel more confident, feel better about yourself. Call today to learn more about how therapy might help you to start feeling better.

What Feelings Am I Having?

Before you can address an uncomfortable feeling you need to first be able to label the feeling that you are having.  Our bodies and our brains communicate our feelings to us in many ways. People are often surprised to learn that their body is screaming their feelings at them, communicating in ways such as back problems and stomach aches.  There is no magic formula to identifying and labeling feelings. Everyone’s body is different and everyone’s body communicates to them in different ways. It’s important for you to learn the ways that your body communicates to you.

One way to start learning about how your body communicates uncomfortable feelings to you is by doing a body scan.  A body scan is basically taking notice of your body and the ways that your body is signaling feelings to you.

To do a body scan you would close your eyes and start by just focusing on your breath.  Breathe in and out, noticing the sensation of your stomach as your breathe in and breathe out.  Once you feel relaxed and focused you can start at the top of your head and slowly scan downward just noticing the different sensations in your body.  

- Do you notice pressure at the top of your head?  

- Are you tense in your neck or shoulders?  

- How does your heart feel?  Is it racing, is it beating slowly?  

- Is your gut communicating anything to you?  

- What about your back?  

- Keep moving down the body, observing and noticing the ways that your body is communicating to you.

The first few times that you do this exercise you might not be able to label your emotions or understand the ways in which your body is communicating your feelings to you.  That’s OK - with time and practice you will start to be able to understand and notice the ways that your feelings show up.

Set an alarm on your phone to go off one time a day for the next 7 days.  Use this alarm as a reminder to do a body scan and see if you can start to notice any feelings or messages that your body is sending you.

5 Affirmations For Anxiety

We’ve been talking a lot about anxiety on the blog the past couple of weeks.  Hopefully you’ve had a chance to try some of the strategies I’ve shared and have found at least one new skill to help you calm your anxiety.  If not, that’s ok. In therapy we do a lot of work finding the “right” strategies for your specific need. This means that sometimes clients have to try a lot of different things before they find something that helps.  

Today I’m sharing with you 5 affirmations for you to say to yourself when you are feeling anxious.  Affirmations are a great way to disrupt an uncontrollable thought pattern or to disrupt a thought that is on a loop.  Affirmations can also help you start to rewire the brain so that you experience more calm throughout your day. Once the brain recognizes the affirmation as a calming statement (takes time and lots of practice), saying your affirmation one time can bring a feeling of instant calm.

When using any of these affirmations, choose just one to work with.  Say it over and over to yourself until you have it memorized. Practice saying the affirmation as you walk, from your car to your office, from your desk to lunch, around the house.  Put the affirmation on a piece of paper and place the paper in your wallet or tape it in a place you will see it throughout the day. When you feel anxious, close your eyes (if you feel comfortable and are in a safe place to do so), focus on your breath and say the affirmation over and over to yourself.  

Remember, pick just one affirmation to work with for a couple of days.    

1. I am calm, I am safe.

2. I am doing the best that I can.

3. I trust that everything will be OK.

4. I feel calm, I feel in control, I am OK.

5. I am safe, I am OK.

If none of these affirmations resonate with you, make your own.  Choose a statement that helps to calm your specific anxiety trigger or worry.  Make sure it is short and easy to remember.

One final note on affirmations.  When you start saying/using your affirmations you might feel like it feels fake.  That’s OK. Keep working with the affirmation. What you are doing when using an affirmation is working to rewire your brain for calm.  It may feel uncomfortable or not true at first. That’s to be expected.

If you would like personalized support with your anxiety, I am happy to help.  I have some available appointment times both in office or online. When you are ready to get started, call 619-383-1900 to schedule your appointment.

Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist located in San Diego, California.

How to Stop Feeling Anxious - 3 Quick Strategies to Try When You are Over Taken by Anxiety

When you’re in the middle of anxiety it can be hard to know what to do to help yourself gain control and to calm the anxiety.  Here are 3 quick strategies to try that may help you when you are feeling anxious.

1. Breath - Take a moment and tune into your breath.  Notice if you are holding your breath or taking shallow breaths.  Breath in for a slow count of 4, filling up your lungs, belly and chest with air.  Hold that breath for a slow count of 6. Slowly release that breath for a slow count of 8.  Don’t worry if you can’t release the breath for that slow count of 8, work up to it. Repeat the process at least 3 times in a row.

2. Ground - In a seated position put your feet on the ground, gently press you feet into the ground, noticing all the areas where your feet and the floor meet.  Take a moment to feel your leg muscles and notice how they contract as you root to the ground. Close your eyes if this helps you to focus. Aim to sit with feet grounded and gently pushing to the floor for 3 minutes.

3. Muscle tension - put your palms together and push your hands together.  Notice your muscles tensing in your arms and chest. Push for 15 - 20 seconds then release.  Repeat at least 3 times.

Choose one strategy to work on this week and practice it at least 5 times a day when you are not feeling anxious.  You don’t have to practice it 5 times in a row, 5 times throughout the day should do the trick. Practicing when you are not anxious will help you to remember to use the skill when you are experiencing anxiety.

If you notice that you are feeling anxious more than normal and are having a hard time working through the anxiety, a therapist may be able to help.  I have seen first hand how therapy has helped my clients to gain some control over their anxiety and to help them start managing their anxiety on a daily basis.  When you're ready, I'm here to help you.  To make an appointment call (619) 383-1900 or go to www.GwendolynNelsonTerry.com to find out more information on how therapy can help you.