What To Expect During The First Couple Of Sessions (Couples Therapy)

It’s been months of non stop fighting and the two of you have agreed it’s time to go to counseling.  You feel anxious, unsure what to expect, hopeful that this helps. It feels like so much is riding on this.  You hope you choose a good therapist, you hope the therapist can help you explain your side, you hope they can help the two of you start talking again.

It takes a lot of courage to come to couples therapy.

You may be gearing up to come into therapy and unload everything that is wrong in your relationship, some therapists might have you do this.

When a couple comes to me, Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT I work with couples right away to get them talking and to help them start connecting again.  Friendship is key to being able to work out any relationship problem.

In my first session with client’s I start off by first welcoming them to therapy.  I go over the business stuff I’m required to verbally say to you and answer any questions you or your partner might have about the paperwork, fees, confidentiality, etc.

From there I invite one of you to share what brought you into couples therapy.  In this first session both you and your partner get to share about some of the issues that led you to couples therapy.  I might ask about your history in couples therapy, what the two of you gained from past experiences in couples therapy, what didn’t work in couples therapy.  I usually ask about the history of your relationship, how you met and how you got to where you are today (living together, married, committed, etc.). If time allows, I have you and your partner discuss a problem while I watch, like a fly on the wall.  During this time I’m just observing the interaction between the two of you and seeing what is working, and what isn’t working.  

At the end of the session I talk about some more assessment pieces that I do, one is an in depth online assessment, the other is to schedule a one on one with each person in the partnership.  At the end of the session I also give you my clinical impressions, how I see myself helping you and your partner.

Sessions 2 and 3 are those individual sessions.

During our individual time together I invite you to share with me any additional information, concerns, or issues you’d like to address in our work together.  It’s a chance for you to talk a little more freely about some of the struggles you’ve been facing in your relationship. Some things I might ask in our time together;  what is your commitment to working on the relationship? What do you want to work on as a couple? What do you want to work on individually within the couple? History of affairs?  Alcohol and other drug use? At the end of our session together I re-cap and answer any questions you might have about therapy.

Session 4

With the information that you provided me through your couples session, individual sessions, and the online assessment I go a little bit deeper into my clinical impressions and suggest a few initial goals for therapy.  Therapy works best when you are working on goals that feel important to you. If you don’t agree with my goals, or if you find that you were wanting to work on something else, tell me, let’s talk about it.

Now the hard work starts.  Gottman therapy works under the framework of the Sound Relationship House.  The idea being that for you to work through the hard stuff, like conflict, you need to have a strong foundation upon which to grow; friendship and understanding of each other.  Goals for therapy focus on building friendship and connection, learning to speak to each other in ways the other can hear, learning to manage your emotions when you are in conflict, supporting your partner when they are flooded with emotions, and so much more.  

By the time you leave couples therapy my hope is that you feel reconnected to your partner, passionate about your relationship, you feel heard, seen, and accepted, you enjoy each other.  I want for you to have the confidence to know that the two of you can work through conflict and grow closer together as a result of it.

It absolutely is possible to grow closer to your partner through conflict.  A couples therapist can help you learn how to turn conflict into a chance to learn about your partner and grow.

Learn how to have constructive fights, turn conflict into a chance for connection, and grow your relationship.

Call Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist today and find out how couples therapy may be able to help your relationship (619) 383-1900

Gottman or EFT? Which one will save my marriage?

We’ve all heard those nightmare stories from our friends about those couples who went and the therapist only made it worse.

The reality is that going to couples therapy does bring up unresolved issues.  It does sometimes mean that things get worse before they get better. That’s why finding a trained couples therapist is so important.

With couples therapy there are 2 main modes of treatment; Gottman Couple’s Therapy and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT).  Both treatment approaches have their merits and both are backed by science.

Gottman Therapy

John and Julie Gottman are psycho-therapist’s in Seattle, Washington.  John Gottman has been researching couples for many years, even decades and can predict the success of a marriage with 90% + accuracy.

Gottman couples therapy is based on the Sound Relationship House framework.  The Sound Relationship House is like the layers of a relationship, at the foundation is what Gottman refers to as Love Maps - knowing your partner, the next layer is Fondness and Admiration.  The Sound Relationship House builds up from the foundation to managing conflict to eventually building shared meaning. Simply put, you need a good foundation to create a life of shared meaning.  That is why at the bottom of the Sound Relationship House you’ll find Love Maps (knowing your partner) and Fondness and Admiration. When the shit hits the fan you need to know and like your partner in order to stick it out with your partner.

Gottman couples therapy relies heavily on skill building.  With Gottman couples therapy the therapist helps to create an environment which in the early stages of therapy helps build that fondness and admiration.  In the mid to later stages of therapy the therapist takes on more of a coach role, educating couples on communication skills and strategies and then coaching the couple as they work to use these newly learned skills.  

With Gottman Couples Therapy couples leave the therapy session with skills they can start using right away that help them to start to work through conflict and decrease fighting.

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy

Sue Johnson is the creator of emotionally focused couples therapy (EFT).  EFT is based attachment theory and helps couples to create a more secure attachment with each other.

The idea behind EFT is that we all respond to emotions and some of our responses are rooted in fear and defenses.  Our attachment wounds and attachment styles impact how we respond to emotions. Our partners have the capacity to trigger attachment wounds, emotional defenses and fearful responses.  EFT works with couples to help them learn how to re-organize their emotional responses which creates a new way of relating with your partner.

Both of these methods have been shown to be important in helping couples to work through relationship difficulties.  Both methods have been shown to help couples to decrease fighting in the relationship.  

When you come to me, Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT, for couples therapy you will get couples therapy from a trained couples therapist.

When selecting training for treating couples I was drawn towards Gottman because of the science that backs it.  While both are rooted in data and science, Gottman spoke to the more logic and data driven side of me. As a therapist who married a scientist I love facts, figures, rules, and things I know work.  

I know how important your relationship and your family is to you.  

Call (619) 383-1900 today to schedule your free 15 minute phone consultation to find out how Couples Therapy with me, may be able to help your relationship.

Is your partner resistant to couples therapy?  No problem, relationship therapy can be done through individual therapy.  Call (619) 383-1900 today to schedule your free 15 minute phone consultation to find out how individual therapy may be able to help your relationship.

Negative Sentiment Override - A Major Block To You Having A Fulfilling Relationship

When all you ever seem to do is fight with your partner it’s hard to want to go home and spend time with them.  Finding extra things to do at work, or going out for happy hour with your friends seems like a reasonable excuse to avoid what has become a very tiresome pattern in your relationship.

It can feel awful to dread seeing your partner, to avoid going home.  When you live your life this way, avoiding your partner and hoping the two of you can find yourself back on a better path, it easily can turn into you or your partner feeling disconnected, withdrawing and making the problem between the two of your worse.

Negative sentiment override is what happens when over time, all the arguing, all the conflict between you and your partner has built up for so long that you can no longer give your partner (or they can no longer give you) the benefit of the doubt.  Perhaps for you it plays out in your life like this: For a month you’ve been planning to go to your parents house for dinner. You haven’t seen them in a while and you’ve been looking forward to spending some time with them. You told your partner about the dinner, asked them to come home from work on time, and made sure they could make it to dinner at your parents.  On the day that you are supposed to go to dinner at your parents your partner is 20 minutes late getting home from work. S/he wants to take a quick shower before leaving. 20 minutes late has now turned into 30 minutes later than you wanted to leave. As they are grabbing their stuff to get in the car you explode and angrily tell them “My family isn’t important to you.  Just stay home, you obviously don’t care about my parents or me. You’re so selfish.” Your partner who just rushed home after being stuck in a meeting s/he couldn’t get out of yells back at you “I’m selfish. I just about killed myself trying to get home on time. I tried!”.  

Eventually, the two of you wind up in a place where you just drop the issue, don’t speak about the problem, and use that interaction as just more proof that your partner doesn’t care about you.  

Many couples find themselves in similar patterns.  It’s completely normal to go through periods in your relationship where it’s just hard to get along with your partner.  Life tosses many curve balls into a relationship, work stress, having children, caring for aging parents are just some of the many things that cause couples to go through long periods of difficulties.

It’s true that when you can’t give your partner the benefit of the doubt, or they can’t seem to see the effort you’re putting into your relationship it can drive the two of you further apart.  However, if we can learn to fight with our partners in a constructive way, then conflict can be a tool that brings the two of you closer together. When we make changes to how we bring up a potential conflict, how we listen to our partner, how we work to negotiate our needs in our relationship then we can have a lasting and fulfilling relationship.

Without help the two of you could continue to fight, with increasing resentment, and eventually break up.

The biggest downside of not overcoming negative sentiment override is that the cycle continues, leading to ongoing fighting, feeling distant, and possibly even breaking up.  You spend a good chunk of your time thinking back to the way things were, longing to have the relationship that the two of you used to have, longing to feel heard, loved, pursued.  Yours or your partners resentment starts to grow the more they long for what used to be and the negative sentiment override grows stronger. Being in a relationship with so much resentment, so much hurt, is  unbearable and not sustainable.

With help the two of you grow closer, feel more connected, and the fighting stops.

Although you may struggle with negative sentiment override in your relationship you and your partner have the potential to overcome it and grow closer.  When you choose to work on your relationship, there is a possibility for increased connectedness, re-igniting that spark in your relationship, and to grow together as a couple.  You have the opportunity to learn how to effectively communicate with your partner, get your needs met in your relationship, reduce resentment and frustration, and have a meaningful relationship.

3 Tips to Help You Reduce Resentment In Your Relationship & Start Connecting

Yes, its true you may be feeling resentment in your relationship but it is possible to release resentment and overcome negative sentiment override.  The key to overcoming resentment in your relationship is to actively work on improving the way you communicate, learning how to self soothe so that you can help de-escalate conflict, and remind yourself of your partners positive qualities.  

Take a look at these 3 tips to see how you can start to overcome resentment and negative sentiment override in your relationship.

One of the reasons you may struggle with negative sentiment override or resentment in your relationship is because of the way you and your partner are communicating with each other.  If every time you have a fight with your partner you feel attacked or judged overtime you might develop protective ways of coping with that feeling. This may mean you withdraw, maybe you lash out and argue out of defense, either way when you feel this way it’s not uncommon to reciprocate the judgement and attack in your own communication.

So what do you do about this?  You change the way you communicate with your partner.  You be the one to model change and over time your partner’s own resentments and or defenses will start to lessen.  Start by noticing how often you say a judging statement or an attack. Sometimes they are subtle and we aren’t even aware of the language and how it impacts our partners feelings.  Statements like “you never” and “you always” are usually signs of a judging or attacking statement. Once you get into the habit of catching yourself attacking or judging your partner, try and find a way to bring up the issue in a softer way.  For example if your usual go to is “you never do the dishes. I’m so sick of cleaning up after everyone” you might try “I’ve been feeling frustrated with how messy the house is. Can you help me by doing the dishes a couple of nights a week?” If what you really want is a cleaner house and help with the dishes the 2nd statement will get you a lot further towards achieving that goal.

Another reason that you may struggle with resentment in your relationship, or negative sentiment override is because of frequent fighting and lack of resolution.  It makes complete sense that if you are constantly arguing you would start to form a negative opinion about your partner and start to think the worst about them. You might even start to lose hope in the relationship and start to think that it is impossible for the 2 of you to solve any problems.

Therapy can help you learn many tools that will help make conflict more constructive and help to decrease the frequency of fights you have with your partner.  One thing you can try now is to practice self soothing. Many times couples come to therapy feeling hopeless and frustrated because when they do fight the arguments just keep escalating.  Conflicts escalate because our feelings start to get in the way and we start to become flooded in our emotions. When this happens it can be difficult to get your point across in an effective way and it can be difficult to hear what your partner is saying.  Mostly what we can away from these heightened fights is a feeling of frustration, anger, and resentment.

Some ways to self soothe include: take a break of at least 20 minutes, breathe - focus on breathing in and out, tell yourself and your partner that the two of you will figure out a way to get through this fight.

When you have a lot of resentment in your relationship or when you’ve gone through long periods of fighting and not getting along it can be hard to see your partner’s positive qualities.  If we aren’t careful our brains can also start to become re-wired to only see the negatives about our partner. Start a daily practice of thinking through your day and finding one positive thing to say about your partner.  Maybe its that they give great hugs, or maybe they took the kids to school today, or they said thank you for making dinner. Nothing is too small to start.

One thing I often hear in my practice is “I don’t want to be the one to back down.  I don’t want to give in to him”. This thought is normal but it’s not helpful. Negative sentiment override often places couples in a stalemate, neither willing to budge because they feel that their emotional bank account is so heavily drained.  My response - sometimes you have to give a little in order to get a little. As hard as it is I encourage you to be the change for your relationship. In the long run this will pay off for you.

It absolutely is possible to go from feeling hopeless in your relationship to hopeful and connected.  Therapy can help you to identify your relationship patterns, learn communication skills to help you work through conflict and find constructive ways to argue.  Therapy can help you to rebuild trust, friendship and fondness and admiration in your relationship.  

If your partner isn’t interested in going to couples therapy, no problem.  Relationship therapy for one person can make a difference for the couple.

You absolutely can have the relationship of your dreams.

Call 619-383-1900 to schedule an appointment now. 

Attachment Styles - Why Yours May Be Causing Conflict In Your Relationship

You and your partner have a pattern, it may look like this:  You are feeling restless, you think it’s because of your relationship.  You start to wonder what is wrong in your relationship. You question if your partner is cheating on you, if they’ve fallen out of love with you, if they are no longer interested in you sexually.  You start to question if you’ve gained weight, if you are boring. All this anxiety in your head causes you to start to cling to your partner. You start to question them more about where they’ve been, do they find you attractive, “how come we don’t have sex anymore?”.  You plan date nights, but lingerie. The more you try, the more your partner pulls back. They ignore you, change the subject, become more focused on the TV, computer, everything else but you. All of your efforts seem to drive away your partner.  

Or maybe your pattern looks more like this:  Your partner brings up a conflict with you. They didn’t do the best job of bringing it up in a gentle way.  You’re angry at them, you feel defensive, you can’t really put words to your feelings but your pissed and you are shutting down.  Your head goes blank, you really don’t know what to say, you aren’t really even listening to your partner anymore. Your partner gets more angry, raises their voice, acts more desperate to get your attention but it doesn’t work because you’ve gone into panic mode and have checked out.  The conflict escalates until someone or both of you explodes and says something that you or they regret. Both of you retreat, don’t talk about the issue, no resolution has taken place.

These are just two common patterns I see in couples.  You may not realize it but both of these patterns are caused by attachment wounds and fear of abandonment.

There are 3 types of attachment; secure, anxious, and avoidant.  Attachment is formed in our childhood through our relationships with our primary caregivers.  

As you might have guessed, we aim for secure attachment.  Someone with secure attachment is comfortable with their own feelings, comfortable with their partners feelings, enjoys intimacy and closeness but also values independence (theirs and their partners).

Most of us are anxious or avoidant.  People with anxious attachment styles tend to be anxious in their relationships and tend to personalize their partners interactions.  To feel secure in their relationship they tend to need frequent re-assurance from their partner, attention, and intimacy. When their partner pulls away or expresses a need for independence this makes the anxious person hold on tighter.

Avoidant attachment style people tend to value their freedom over their relationships.  When they get close to intimacy and vulnerability they have the urge to push away. People who fall into this category often times are uncomfortable with their own feelings or their partners feelings.

These attachment styles can make it challenging to be in a relationship.  For example, the classic dance I see in couples therapy is an anxious person who is in a relationship with an avoidant person.  The push, pull of this pairing can create much conflict.

Another common mixing that I see in my work with couples is a mix of avoidant and secure.  Frequently the secure person is confused by the avoidant person’s apparent lack of interest in the relationship.  This pairing often comes to couples therapy saying that the relationship lacks emotional intimacy.

What can a couple do if they are finding themselves in an incompatible attachment style relationship?  I first want to say that attachment styles can be changed. By learning to understand our emotions, and getting comfortable with uncomfortable emotions, and learning how to express and manage our emotions in a healthy way we can start to make the transition over to a secure attachment style.

Another option is to work on attachment styles together, with your partner, in couples therapy.  Couples therapy can help you to learn how to communicate with your partner in a way that they can hear.  Couples therapy can also teach you tools on how to hear what your partner is communicating with you. Beyond the basics of listening, couples therapy can also help you to learn how to negotiate for your needs in your relationship, help you to learn how to navigate conflict (because conflict is normal), and couples therapy can help you learn how to reconnect with your partner following a conflict.

It’s true that attachment styles can cause conflict in relationships.  However, if we can learn to understand, express our feelings in a healthy way, and learn to communicate with our partner we can create meaningful and healthy relationships, no matter what our or our partner’s attachment style is.  When we learn to understand our feelings and communicate with our partner it is entirely possible to work through conflict with our partner in a way that brings about resolution.

It is possible to have a healthy, meaningful, and fulfilling relationship. 

Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT can help you to understand your relationship patterns and how those patterns may be getting in the way of you having the relationship that you want.

Call today (619) 383-1900 to schedule a free 15 minute phone consultation.  Or go to the home page and click on the button to schedule your consultation today.

Is it ever OK to comment on someone's weight?

A client recently asked me “is it ever OK to talk to someone about their weight?”.  We had been discussing her feelings around her body and the messages that she received as a kid growing up.  This client was in the process of trying to understand how her parents apparent concern for her health had set her up for a lifetime of believing that her body was wrong.  If she couldn’t receive this message from her parents, could she receive it from anyone else?

The answer to the question “is it ever OK to talk to someone about their weight?” is long and complicated.  The short answer is no, it is never OK to talk with someone about their weight.

By talking to someone about their weight you are assigning value to that person's body based on its size.  A comment of “You look so good! Did you lose weight?” sends the message to a person that them being attractive is dependent on the size of their body.  

In turn a comment of “What happened to you?  I thought you were doing Weight Watchers” sends the message that they are not capable of managing their food and that their body screams “I can’t control myself around food”.  

Even if your comment is rooted in the desire to give a complement, think before you speak.  If you want to give a complement, what can you say that doesn’t involve their body? Sharing an appreciation for their friendship, sharing a fond memory, or talking about how important they are to you will go a lot further than a comment about their weight.

If you are genuinely concerned about the person and their weight first ask yourself if it is your place to bring up this issue.  Chances are this person is already aware of their weight struggle. They probably have already had a well meaning friend or family member comment on their weight.  They are probably already struggling with shame. Society is not subtle in its messaging to people about their bodies and their sizes.  

Check your assumptions.  Is your comment about their weight rooted in the belief that something is wrong with them.  That their weight equals a mental health concern, a lack of control, or some other issue that you don’t know to be true.  

Before speaking to someone about their weight, ask yourself what your real concern is.  A common one I hear is “I’m worried they’re depressed, they’ve gained so much weight”. Yes, sometimes people eat emotionally.  However not everyone does. The concern in that statement is not about the person’s weight. The real concern is they are depressed.  Rather than talking to the person about their weight a more effective approach would be to talk with them about the underlying concern, “I’m worried you’re depressed.  You just don’t seem happy”. Commenting on a person’s weight is more likely to add to any emotional burden that they may or may not be struggling with and is more likely to shut them down and close off communication.

In my practice I speak with many women of all shapes and sizes who have learned at one point or another that something is wrong with their body.  I work with women to unravel those stories that they have heard and sometimes created about themselves and their bodies. I help them to work through their fear of being seen in the world and help them to find value, confidence, compassion and self love for the person they are today.

Are you ready to start feeling good again?  Call today and schedule a free 15 minute phone consultation to learn more about therapy might be able to help you with your own relationship with your body.

Going to the Doctors for Anti-Depression Medication

Life is challenging, no doubt about it.  Moving, loss of job, having children, children leaving the house, changes in relationships, changes in hormones due to pregnancy or menopause...all things that have the potential to send us into depression.  

By the time we are adults most of us have had some experience with depression, we know the feeling and we know how deeply it can pull a person down.  More often than not some lifestyle changes, rest, or putting something fun on the calendar can pull us out of depression. When those things don’t work we reach out to a therapist for support.  A therapist is a great place to start if you are having symptoms of depression. A therapist can assess your symptoms of depression, diagnose you with depression, and help you to start working on feeling better.  

Often times a therapist will refer a client to their doctor to rule out any biological contributions.  This means that the therapist is encouraging you to check in with your doctor to see if your depression is hormonal related, bio-chemically related, or if you can benefit from antidepressant medication.  Taking anti-depressants is a personal decision that is entirely up to you. I always encourage my client’s to gather as much information as possible before making a decision and feel that knowing all of your options is always best.

What happens when you go to the doctor for depression medication?

Each doctor is going to have a different protocol but in general you doctor will ask you about your symptoms to assess how much you are struggling with depression.  

Some questions that your doctor may ask you are:

• Over the past 2 weeks have you struggled with a loss of interest in doing things you once enjoyed?

• Over the past 2 weeks how often have you had feelings of hopelessness, depression, or feeling down?

• Have you had trouble staying asleep or sleeping to much?

• Have you had difficulty concentrating?

As uncomfortable as it might be I encourage you to answer these questions as truthfully as possible.  Giving your doctor the full picture of how you are feeling will help your doctor identify the best way to help you.  

At this point your doctor may feel that they have enough information to provide you with a prescription.  Sometimes a doctor will take a blood sample to check for increase or decreased hormone levels, hypothyroidism, anemia, or low vitamin D.  

Some questions to ask your doctor about antidepressants?

• What are the side effects of this prescription?

• What should I do if I decide I can’t handle the side effects?

• How will I know if the antidepressant is working?

• How long before I start to notice a change in my depression?

Getting the right antidepressant medication is a process.  Often times the initial prescription or dosage is not the right fit for the client.  Be patient, keep an open dialogue with your doctor.

If you are seeing a therapist during this time, make sure that you inform your therapist of the medication you are taking as it might change your treatment plan in therapy.

Depression doesn’t have to be a life long struggle. You absolutely can feel happy again. Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT can help you to get to the root of your depression and anxiety, find hope again, and to start feeling better so that you can get back to enjoying your life.

Call (619) 383-1900 or click the link on the homepage to schedule your free 15 minute phone consultation today.

Signs of Depression

I think I have depression but I’m not sure.

Let me start this blog by saying all feelings are normal.  All of them. Sadness, anger, frustration, fear, anxiety, happiness, joy...all normal.  For this reason, to some extent depression is normal too. Short periods of depression for say a couple of hours, a day or two, even sometimes up to a week is normal.  Knowing the signs and symptoms of depression can help you decide when it is time to reach out for support from your doctor or a trained therapist.

Difficulty getting out of bed:  This goes beyond the “I’m tired and want to press the snooze button” feeling that we all get from time to time.  This could mean that you can’t physically get out of bed but you are also not tired. This could mean that you feel stuck in bed.  Difficulty getting out of bed can also mean you are tired and want to sleep longer. One of my clients described her experience to me as the bed being a magnet that is holding down every part of her body; alert, present, but not able to physically peel herself out of bed.

Sleeping too much or difficulty staying asleep:  Depression is exhausting. Everything takes so much effort.  Getting out of bed, brushing your hair, making it to work or school is a huge accomplishment.  Sleeping more often because you are tired or trying to escape your life is a symptom of depression.  

Difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep is also a symptom of depression.  It is not uncommon for depression and anxiety to go hand in hand. Sometimes the difficulty in sleeping is due to being anxious that you won’t sleep, sometimes it is due to the distress of having depression, sometimes it is due to your sleep schedule being off from overcompensating for being tired.  

Irritability, being short with your friends and family and feeling like you have no patience.  It has been my experience that irritability tends to show up primarily in low level, long term depression.  This is because the person has been unhappy with life for awhile, is feeling stuck, and as the depression wears on, their patience for life and for people begins to wear down.  

Feelings of low self esteem, guilt, worthlessness.  When a person is depressed they can get down on themselves for the things they aren’t doing.  They might start to feel worthless, guilty, and useless because they can’t show up to life in the way that they did before their depression.  If they used to cook dinner every night for their family but now can’t because of their depression they might start to have thoughts like “I’m worthless.  I’m the worst mom. I can’t believe I’m doing this to my kids and partner”.

These are just a few symptoms of depression.  When you meet with a therapist they will ask questions about your symptoms to get a full picture of how you are struggling.  It can take a few sessions for your therapist to understand what you are dealing with, the way that your life is being impacted, and how/where the depression comes from.  

It’s OK and appropriate for you to ask your therapist how they can help you, how therapy will help you to start to feel better.

When people make an appointment with me, Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT I end the first session by sharing with that person my clinical insights.  This means that I share with them trends I notice like depression or anxiety, I talk about my approach to treating their issue, I talk about initial goals for helping them to start feeling better and I answer any questions they might have.  Doing this for my clients helps for us to define a path for them to start feeling better, it helps them to make an informed decision about how to spend their time and money, and it helps the client to determine if I am the right therapist for their specific need.

To schedule a free 15 minute phone consultation go to my website: www.GwendolynNelsonTerry.com.  If you’re ready to schedule your first appointment call 619-383-1900 or email me at gwendolyn@gwendolynnelsonterry.com

When is it time to leave my relationship?

One of the most common issues that I work on with women in my therapy practice is helping them to understand the dis-satisfaction they have in their relationship.  Often my clients will ask me what are the signs that they should leave their partner. There is no magic formula for making this decision and what I mostly end up telling them is to take their time, gather as much evidence as they can about the relationship and the state it is in, and be confident in their decision to stay or go.

While there is no magic formula to help you to decide if you should stay or go there are some warning signs that tend to mean that the relationship will be harder to get back on track.

First, weak fondness and admiration.  Simply put if you don’t like your partner, if you don’t enjoy being around them or if they don’t like or enjoy being around you then it makes it hard to want to work on the relationship.  The foundation for any good relationship is friendship and liking the other person. When fondness and admiration are in place you are more likely to want to invest the time and effort into improving the relationship.  

Every couple has a story of how they met.  Happy couples look at the story of how they met with some joy and with a smile on their face.  If you or your partner start focusing more on the me-ness of your time together, if your story focus has shifted from a partnership to a one person show.  If you or your partner tell the story of your relationship with impersonal details, without humor or vivid memories this is a sign that the relationship has gotten way off course.

Relationship Struggles push you apart:  Relationships are hard and they take work.  Happy couples tend to look back on relationship struggles with pride because they can see that they overcame a struggle and they can see the growth they made as a couple through that difficult time in their relationship.

Your relationship falls short of your expectations and you just can’t seem to move beyond it.  Your relationship is never going to be as great as the romantic comedies you love to watch, those aren’t realistic representations of relationships.  Relationship have ups and downs. As you get to know your partner he or she will reveal to you some personality quirks that you may not like. You’ll get annoyed with each other.  Your body will change over time, their body will change over time. These are all normal sources of discomfort in a relationship. Asking yourself if you are happy with your decision to stay in your relationship can reveal a lot about where you are emotionally.  If you’re happy with the decision you made to get married that says something. If in your heart and gut you aren’t happy...well then it might be some time to make some changes.

Knowing what to do in your relationship is seldom a clear cut answer.  Therapy can help you to understand your relationship patterns, can help you to gain some insight into relationship problems and can help you to better understand your emotions and needs within the relationship.  Call 619-383-1900 today to schedule your free 15 minute phone consultation and find out how therapy can help you in your relationship.

3 Coping Skills to Try When Feeling Disappointment

It felt really vulnerable and scary.  You put yourself out there, risked being seen, and the worst case scenario happened.  Maybe you tried for that job promotion, or you asked that cute guy at the coffee shop out.  Whatever it was, you took a risk and are now left feel disappointed, self critical, and a little ashamed.  

If you are a fan of Brene Brown’s work then you know that in order to truly live life in a way that is meaningful, you’ve got to show up and risk being seen.  Congratulations! Chances are if you are reading this you already did the hard part...you risked showing up and being seen. Part of taking any risk means that sometimes we are going to fall.  So how do you pick yourself up after a fall?

1. Figure out what the story is that you are telling yourself and the belief underneath that story.  When we are going through difficult feelings we can sometimes turn the situation inwards, blame ourselves, and feel embarrassed.  To work through those difficult feelings, the feelings of shame, embarrassment, disappointment you need to understand the story you are telling yourself.  Often times self talk, our inner narrative, masks a fear; I’m not good enough, people don’t like me, I’m a failure, I’m not lovable.

In my therapy practice I frequently meet with women who have recently experienced a break up or divorce.  When exploring their self talk it frequently sounds like “I hate them”, “I can’t believe I trusted them”, “I can’t trust anyone”, “I’m all alone”, “no one will ever love me again”, “I’m so stupid to think that anyone could love me”, “I should have never let myself care”.  

In digging below these statements what my client’s often discover in therapy is that they are afraid that they are not lovable, they are afraid that they are not good enough.

2.  Re-attribute the responsibility.  What are some other potential factors that contributed to the outcome.  

Using the example above, divorce or a break up, rather than buying into the belief that you are unlovable and that is why the relationship ended, ask yourself what are some other reasons for the break up?  Is it that the two of you grew apart, maybe your life started to take off and your partners life stayed stagnant. That will cause conflict in the relationship. Maybe your goals changed...he wanted kids and you never imagined wanting children.  Is it possible that alone you are great, alone your partner is great, but together the two of you are like oil and vinegar - you just don’t mix. Or perhaps no matter how hard you tried, you could never fully get to the point where the two of you were actually communicating.  

There are many things that contribute to an outcome.

3.  Focus on your success.  You took a risk, it didn’t pay off - no shame in that game.  Failure doesn’t mean anything bad about you. Failure doesn’t mean anything about the type of person you are.  Failure doesn’t mean anything about your future. Taking a risk, asking for what you want means that you are a courageous bad ass.  That’s something to celebrate, not feel bad about. When you catch yourself falling into the trap of judging yourself, feel embarrassed because you took a risk and showed up to life I want you to repeat this mantra “I am a courageous bad ass who deserves amazing things in my life”.

Want a little guidance moving beyond your disappointment? When you do therapy with me, Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, I work with women who have experienced disappointment in many forms; job loss, relationships ending, loss of a dream like having children, putting yourself out there for a raise or promotion. Most of these disappointments are temporary but can have an emotional impact on your self worth and confidence. I can help you get to the root of what is going on, why you are feeling disappointment and I can help you move beyond that hurt, shame, and discomfort. Call 619-383-1900 to schedule a free 15 minute consultation today.

What Feelings Am I Having?

Before you can address an uncomfortable feeling you need to first be able to label the feeling that you are having.  Our bodies and our brains communicate our feelings to us in many ways. People are often surprised to learn that their body is screaming their feelings at them, communicating in ways such as back problems and stomach aches.  There is no magic formula to identifying and labeling feelings. Everyone’s body is different and everyone’s body communicates to them in different ways. It’s important for you to learn the ways that your body communicates to you.

One way to start learning about how your body communicates uncomfortable feelings to you is by doing a body scan.  A body scan is basically taking notice of your body and the ways that your body is signaling feelings to you.

To do a body scan you would close your eyes and start by just focusing on your breath.  Breathe in and out, noticing the sensation of your stomach as your breathe in and breathe out.  Once you feel relaxed and focused you can start at the top of your head and slowly scan downward just noticing the different sensations in your body.  

- Do you notice pressure at the top of your head?  

- Are you tense in your neck or shoulders?  

- How does your heart feel?  Is it racing, is it beating slowly?  

- Is your gut communicating anything to you?  

- What about your back?  

- Keep moving down the body, observing and noticing the ways that your body is communicating to you.

The first few times that you do this exercise you might not be able to label your emotions or understand the ways in which your body is communicating your feelings to you.  That’s OK - with time and practice you will start to be able to understand and notice the ways that your feelings show up.

Set an alarm on your phone to go off one time a day for the next 7 days.  Use this alarm as a reminder to do a body scan and see if you can start to notice any feelings or messages that your body is sending you.

Feelings: Good or Bad?

You may have noticed throughout my blog and website that I refer to feelings as uncomfortable and comfortable.  That’s because we therapists believe that feelings are neither good or bad, they just are. An uncomfortable feeling might be sadness, anger or anxiety.  A comfortable feeling might be joy or happiness. Noticing the ways that feelings show up in your body can help you decipher if they are comfortable or uncomfortable.

Frequently when a person experiences many uncomfortable feelings they start to develop defenses to those feelings or they start to look for ways to numb those feelings.  Some common defenses to feelings are; overworking, drinking, avoiding, and sometimes even anxiety can be a defense.

Learning to work through our defenses and to experience the core emotions below our feelings is a key step in being able to work through uncomfortable feelings and in being able to let them go.  Finding a way to access your feelings and to sit with those uncomfortable feelings is important.

This week, as your homework, think about some of the defenses that you might have developed over time that keep you from being able to experience your core emotions.

3 Ways Therapy Can Help Your Relationship

Each couple brings in a unique set of challenges and experiences that dictate their needs in couples therapy.  Your therapist can discuss with you what your needs are and can help you and your partner create goals for couples therapy.  Along with those goals that you create with your therapist there are some benefits that just go along with doing couples therapy.  

There are no guaranteed outcomes in therapy and your therapist can’t promise resolution to the problem that brought you in.  However most people that do go to couples therapy report an increase in relationship satisfaction.

Couples therapy can help you learn the right way to argue so that the problem doesn’t get bigger.  This is a huge benefit to couples therapy. This goes way beyond just using I messages when in an argument with your partner.  What I tell my couples is that I messages are an art - they go way beyond “I feel angry”. Think about some of the I messages you’ve given in your life.  Chances are one or two of them have deteriorated into you statements without you even realizing it. They may have looked something like “I feel angry when YOU forget to clean up after yourself.  I am not your mom”. See how that might look like an I statement but after some examination it’s a little more clear how that turned into a you statement. If you’ve done this don’t get upset with yourself - I messages are hard.  A trained couples therapist can help you to learn the art of a softened startup which is basically learning nice ways to bring up potentially conflictual topics with your partner. A therapist can also help you learn how to de-escalate an argument that has gone south.  Learning the right way to argue now will save you a ton of frustration in the future. Even if you and your partner don’t have any major issues between the two of you now, learning how to argue will save the two of you from having small problems turn into much larger problems.

Couples therapy can also help you to build your friendship.  Of course you are friends with your partner, you have this relationship for a reason after all.  There is some part of you that does like this person. But as we grow and change so do our partners.  Couples therapy helps people to keep the friendship in focus and provides a space and opportunity to learn about some of the ways in which your partner may have changed since the two of you started dating.  Friendship is a key component to helping couples get through tougher times in their relationships.

Couples therapy can help you learn how to talk in a way that will help your partner listen.  This goes back to what I was saying earlier about the softened start up. If we go into a tough conversation with guns blazing, ready to take down our partner because we are pissed chances are our partner will run the other way and we will be left even more frustrated because not only were we mad about the situation but now we feel unheard.  Honestly, who likes that feeling? A trained couples therapist can help you learn how to speak in a way that helps your partner to listen. In return the therapist can help your partner learn active listening skills so that when you do speak, they can really hear what it is you are trying to communicate.

Are you ready to start working on your relationship? Call today to schedule your free 15 minute phone consultation and find out how therapy might be able to help your relationship. (619) 383-1900.

Why can't I just talk to my friend? Why go to a therapist?

Why can’t I just talk to my friend (or mom, or sister, or partner)? Why go to a therapist?

Great question!  Talking to a friend, sister, or partner sometimes is enough.  But sometimes it just doesn’t cut it. When things are really challenging and the struggle has been going on for a long time, leaning on friends and family may not be the best way to work through your problems.    So why can’t you just talk to your friend, partner, sister?

First, your friend, sister, partner, mom can’t be impartial.  These are people in your life who know you very well. When you talk to them about your stress, your depression, your anxiety, it is impossible for them to be impartial.  A therapist can provide you with a safe space to explore your feelings, gain insight into what is going on, why it is going on, and can help you to identify a clear path towards feeling better.  Coming to therapy is not just about venting your problems, it’s about experiencing those feelings, learning to understand them, and working through them so that you can move on and put them in the past.  

Second, more than likely your friends and family will want to fix the problem for you.  That is wonderful, kind, and totally understandable. If I saw my friend or daughter hurting, I’d want to fix it too.  But if the problem was an easily fixed problem, you would have already done it. Going to therapy allows you space to really explore patterns in your relationships, in your moods and feelings.  Therapy helps you to gain clear insight into how some of your choices and actions are impacting your mood and feelings. Once patterns are identified and goals for feeling better are set, then the process of learning how to change some of those patterns starts.  There is never any guarantee with therapy, sometimes you feel worse before you feel better. A therapist can not promise you that you will feel better but most people that go to therapy report gaining some value from it.

Lastly, your pain may be too much for them to manage.  Think about it. When we witness someone we love struggling, it’s like a dagger to the heart.  Their pain becomes our pain. This is the same for your mom, your sister, your partner. It’s one thing to have a bad couple of days and to struggle.  But when a big problem comes up, a really tough one that you’ve maybe struggled with for a long time, a problem that brings you some deep pain, it may be a lot for your friends or family to keep holding that pain for you and with you.  A therapist is a person that is there to sit with you when you are going through tough situations and feelings. A therapist is a trained professional that knows how to walk with you into those dark places and have those tough conversations.  A therapist can hold space for you, hold your emotions and struggles, so that when you are with your partner or your family or your friends, you can really be present with them and enjoy them.

I’m not saying don’t talk to your friends and family.  In fact for many things friends and family are just the right amount of support, but sometimes people need a little more support.  

I offer a free 15 minute phone consultation and would be happy to talk with you about how I might be able to help.  Because I work online I am able to meet with clients all over California and Missouri. If you are located in California or Missouri and have been considering therapy call (619) 383-1900 or email gwendolyn@gwendolynnelsonterry.com to schedule your free 15 minute consultation.  

An Assignment

I work primarily with women in my practice.  Some are moms, some are working professionals, some are college students, some are all three at the same time.  No matter who this woman is, where she comes from, or why she is doing therapy with me there is always one thing that these women have in common, all of these women feel the need to justify taking care of themselves.  I’m not talking about basic care like take a shower and do your laundry kind of care. I’m talking about taking care of basic things like sleep, alone time, exercise, saying no to that extra assignment at work, taking a lunch break.  I meet with woman after woman who expresses “I just don’t have enough time”, “I eat at my desk”, “I can’t remember the last time I just sat outside and enjoyed the sun on my face”. I can’t help but wonder, why is it so hard for us, as women, to take care of ourselves.  Not only is it hard for us, we feel like we have to justify it when we do with statements like “I didn’t have breakfast, that’s why I had to have lunch”.

Because I care about you and because I want for you to feel that you have the excuse and permission to take care of yourself I am giving you an assignment.  Here is your assignment:

Find a quiet spot where you feel comfortable to close your eyes for just a breath or two.  Take a deep breath in, release that breath. Keep your eyes shut while you place your hand on your tummy.  Breathe in again and notice your hand rise and fall as you breath in and release your air. Now I want for you to ask yourself; what do I really need?  What is my body, my mind craving? Now without judgement, do whatever it is that came to mind. Don’t give yourself time to overanalyze, don’t think about it, just do it.  Maybe what came up for you is that you want some alone time with your partner. Maybe you need some sleep. Maybe you need some relaxation. Below are some ideas of ways to take care of yourself.

• Bubble Bath

• Massage - Maybe take turns with your partner, giving and receiving massages

• Alone Time - Ask your partner to take the kids out of the house for a few hours

• Sleep

• Manicure/Pedicure

• Chocolate - Don’t go cheap on yourself, treat yourself to your favorite chocolate or dessert

• Buy Yourself Flowers and Make an Incredible Arrangement

• Join that exercise class you’ve been wanting to check out

• Ask a friend to pick your kids up from school for the day

• Go to the movies

• Take a lunch break

• Say no to that extra assignment at work

If you are feeling guilty about taking time for yourself you can strike a deal with your partner to reciprocate and provide him with a chance to spend some time doing what he loves.

Your Relationship After Baby

Even the best of couples can feel off in their relationship after a baby arrives.  Exhaustion has set in, routines have changed, and you are in the midst of renegotiating household responsibilities.  As the kids get older it can continue to feel as if you and your partner are no longer spending time together, connecting, taking time to be a couple.  

John Gottman is a researcher who has studied couples and is considered a leading resource for couples therapists.  One tool that Gottman suggests to get a couple back on track is the use of a Love Map.  A Love Map, simply put, is a way to get to know the small things in your husband or wife’s life.  Asking questions such as “who do you like to go to lunch with at work?” and “what do you worry about?” can help to build a better understanding of your partners world.

You may think you know the answers to many of these questions and perhaps you do but I’m guessing some of the answers have changed over time.  Just as our world is constantly evolving - think back to when you had your baby and the changes you experienced with your friendship circle, thoughts and way of feeling.  Heck, even how you experienced going to the grocery store changed.  It might be surprising to learn that our partners also underwent a change too.  Even if your kids are grown and gone or you are just starting a new relationship, asking questions about your partner is a great way to build what Gottman refers to as a “solid foundation” for your relationship.

This week I encourage you to ask questions about your partner's life, likes and dislikes.  Learn what is currently making them tick, take an interest in their work, ask questions, ask about their experiences during the day.

You can start building a Love Map by asking your partner questions such as “What’s my favorite place to eat lunch?” or ask your partner questions like “Where do you like to go out for lunch when you’re at work?”  Here are some additional questions to get you started on building your Love Map.

If you could take a vacation anywhere, where would you go?

What is your favorite vacation we took and why?

What’s your favorite restaurant?

What’s your most embarrassing moment?

What’s the best book you’ve read in the past year?

What is your proudest moment?

As your partner shares listen without judgement, ask questions, be curious and have fun.

Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Vacaville, Pollock Pines and Sacramento.  Providing online counseling for women and couples - serving all areas of California.

Morning Routines - Tips for Busy Moms

This week I thought we’d focus on morning routines.  Morning routines can look a little less sexy than evening routines.  Having kids often means we wake up and are in go mode until the kids get to school.  Finding shoes, finishing homework, making sure everyone has their lunch, ate breakfast, and is clear on who goes to what activity after school can be a bit of a juggling act.  

So what can you do to make mornings a little less daunting?   

Plan ahead.  Lunches can be made the evening before or you can even make lunches on Sunday to last the whole week.  Struggling to get the lunches made; get the kids to help or set your child up for school lunches.  No need to feel guilt or shame, school lunches may have improved since you were a kid AND your child having hot lunch is not a statement of the kind of mom you are.  If taking the chore of making lunch off your list allows you to spend more stress free time with your children then go for it.  Positive time spent with your child will have a greater impact on their happiness and well being than compared to packing a nutritionally sound lunch.

Plan ahead.  Create a chart, tack up some poster board, get a white board and write out the after school plans and activities for the week.  This will help you to remember who goes where and when, give your children some accountability and responsibility, and help your partner to feel more connected and part of the activity.  Who knows, your partner may even see something on the schedule and offer to help out.  

Got a needy love bug in the morning?  Take a moment to check in with your child.  Sometimes nighttime can feel lonely and it can be a challenge for young children to get through the night.  Checking in with little ones and giving a morning snuggle can help to set the right mood and tone for the morning.

Get up earlier.  You’re probably thinking I’m crazy for even suggesting this but if you get up at least 10 minutes earlier you are giving yourself a cushion to deal with problems that may come up such as lost shoes.  If you are feeling really ambitious you can get up 30-45 minutes early and squeeze in some quiet time for yourself.  Taking 15 minutes to drink a cup of coffee before you wake up your family can make a world of difference in your day.

Set an intention for the day before you get out of bed.  Think of what you want to focus on, what’s really important.  Maybe choose one or two feeling words that you want to guide you through the day such as calm and accomplished.  When stressful situations come up or when you find yourself feeling worn out you can go back to the intention you set for the day and make decisions focused on how you want to feel and be.  

Making small changes daily can make a huge impact over time.  Think about one thing you might like to change about your morning routine.  Maybe it's fitting in 10 minutes for yourself before the kids get up or maybe it's packing lunches before bed.  Allow for the fact that change is not immediate and takes practice and patience.  If you fail at implementing one of the strategies listed above or it doesn’t have the impact you hoped for, no worries.  There's always tomorrow to try something new.

Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, LMFT - Providing online counseling for women.  Located in Vacaville, California - serving all areas of California.

5 Affirmations for When You Feel Like a Bad Mom

Any woman who has ever been a mom knows intimately that deep guilt that creeps in every once in awhile.  Mom guilt, that sneaky asshole can hit at any time for any reason. When at work we can be overcome with guilt for not being at home, when at home we feel guilt for thinking about work, when we are with our partners we feel selfish for being away from the kids.  A lot of times the things we feel most guilty for are the things we most need, the things that make us whole, functioning, normal, human beings. But even though we can logically talk ourselves through our guilt, it doesn’t always help. Below are 5 affirmations for you use when you feel like a bad mom.  The reason to use affirmations is that it is one way to support building stronger, healthy neural connections that help fight off that awful feeling of mom guilt. Take a look at the following affirmations and see if any stand out to you.

1. I am a fierce, bad ass, motherfucking mom.  No one cares for my kids the way I care for my kids.

2. I am allowed to go out with my (friends, partner, to book club, etc).  It makes me a happy and better mom.

3. A good enough mom is pretty damn good.

4. I love my kids and they love their mom.

5. I am the perfect mom for my child.

Pick one affirmation that speaks to you.  Say it to yourself when you are feeling anxious, say it when you are feeling stressed, say it to yourself when you are feeling calm, in control and like the perfect mom.  Using affirmations can help us to rewire our brain, build stronger neural connections that help to fight off uncomfortable feelings like mom guilt, and to focus on thoughts and feelings that improve our moods and feelings.

If you struggle with mom guilt and would like more support, contact Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in San Diego, California at (619) 383-1900.

Take Care of You

This weeks blog is going to be a short one.  As women we so easily give to others and take care of others and sometimes we forget to care for ourselves.  This weekend I want you to commit to doing one nice thing for yourself.  This nice thing doesn't have to be a big thing, in fact it can be something like making your lunch for Monday.  Whatever you decide to do, do it because it will help you to feel good, feel grounded, feel less stressed, feel more present and happy in your life.  Give yourself permission to take care of you this weekend.

Attachment Styles and What that Means for Your Relationship

How your parents raised you might have to do with why you are fighting so much with your partner

What is attachment?  The way our parents and caregivers treat us when we are babies, children, and teens informs our attachment style.  When we are infants and children we are dependent on our caregivers for basic needs and the way they treat us (lovingly, dismissively, overly engaged, etc.) affects the way we are able to attach to others when we are adults.  Attachment is the emotional bond we form with others.

Your attachment pattern can affect the way you relate to your partner.

There are four main types of attachment styles.

Secure Attachment:  In a relationship these are the people that are comfortable with themselves, comfortable with their feelings, and comfortable asking for what they need and want.  They have clear boundaries, aren’t afraid to express their feelings to their partners, and easily show vulnerability to their partners.

Avoidant Attachment:  In a relationship these are the people that tend to guard their thoughts and emotions.  They don’t easily share what they are feeling or thinking and they try and solve personal issues on their own.  When a problem comes up in a relationship or if they perceive themselves as being rejected by their partner, avoidant attachment people will tend to run for the door.  It is extremely difficult for people with this attachment style to express their feelings. When asked or pressured to share their feelings they might even have a difficult time identifying the feeling they are having.  

Anxious Attachment:  In a relationship a person who has anxious attachment will seek high levels of intimacy and attachment but then will worry that their partner doesn’t want to be with them.  When a problem comes up in the relationship or if the feel that they are being rejected by their partner they may aggressively demand reassurance, use blame tactics, or become emotionally dysregulated (bursts of anger, threatening to leave, and other forms of emotional manipulation) in an effort to engage and re-attach with their partner.  

Fearful Avoidant Attachment:  This attachment style frequently occurs (but not always) when a person has experienced trauma in their life.  They have learned that it is dangerous to get close to people (both physically and psychologically dangerous).  In a relationship these people tend to swing from one extreme to the other, desire a close and intimate relationship and then when becoming fearful they push away from their partner.  It is difficult for people with this attachment style to trust and as such they don’t feel comfortable with their feelings or with being vulnerable.

Your attachment style and your partner’s attachment style can have a big impact on the way the two of you connect.  For example when in a fight the avoidant person may withdraw emotionally from the argument while the anxious person may try to overly attach to their partner.  When the anxious person doesn’t get the reassurance they are looking for they may in turn become angry, escalating the conflict. No one way is right or wrong, each person in the relationship is seeking their own way to resolve the fight and get their needs met when experiencing heightened emotions.  Because these two styles don’t match up it may result in making the problem worse for the couple.

Being aware of your own attachment style and your partner’s attachment style can help you to better understand your partner’s needs, see the issue or argument in a different light, and foster a greater sense of empathy for each other.

Were you able to find your attachment style in this list?  How about your partners?

5 Affirmations For Anxiety

We’ve been talking a lot about anxiety on the blog the past couple of weeks.  Hopefully you’ve had a chance to try some of the strategies I’ve shared and have found at least one new skill to help you calm your anxiety.  If not, that’s ok. In therapy we do a lot of work finding the “right” strategies for your specific need. This means that sometimes clients have to try a lot of different things before they find something that helps.  

Today I’m sharing with you 5 affirmations for you to say to yourself when you are feeling anxious.  Affirmations are a great way to disrupt an uncontrollable thought pattern or to disrupt a thought that is on a loop.  Affirmations can also help you start to rewire the brain so that you experience more calm throughout your day. Once the brain recognizes the affirmation as a calming statement (takes time and lots of practice), saying your affirmation one time can bring a feeling of instant calm.

When using any of these affirmations, choose just one to work with.  Say it over and over to yourself until you have it memorized. Practice saying the affirmation as you walk, from your car to your office, from your desk to lunch, around the house.  Put the affirmation on a piece of paper and place the paper in your wallet or tape it in a place you will see it throughout the day. When you feel anxious, close your eyes (if you feel comfortable and are in a safe place to do so), focus on your breath and say the affirmation over and over to yourself.  

Remember, pick just one affirmation to work with for a couple of days.    

1. I am calm, I am safe.

2. I am doing the best that I can.

3. I trust that everything will be OK.

4. I feel calm, I feel in control, I am OK.

5. I am safe, I am OK.

If none of these affirmations resonate with you, make your own.  Choose a statement that helps to calm your specific anxiety trigger or worry.  Make sure it is short and easy to remember.

One final note on affirmations.  When you start saying/using your affirmations you might feel like it feels fake.  That’s OK. Keep working with the affirmation. What you are doing when using an affirmation is working to rewire your brain for calm.  It may feel uncomfortable or not true at first. That’s to be expected.

If you would like personalized support with your anxiety, I am happy to help.  I have some available appointment times both in office or online. When you are ready to get started, call 619-383-1900 to schedule your appointment.

Gwendolyn Nelson-Terry is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist located in San Diego, California.